I have always been torn by the old Army saying "Your a Soldier 24/7" ... it is quite evident that I do not get paid for 24 hours worth of work 7 days a week. Hell I am a reservist who works 2 days a month and makes less than 500$ on a paycheck.
Computed out that equates almost 75cents an hour. (why dont computers make cent signs anymore?)
So I received a phone call 4 hours ago. From a Captain in my Unit. I hate talking on the phone but it seemed important so I can live with the pain from the cauliflower.
He made some pretty flattering compliments. He always respected me and my Relationship with Mindy. He had always thought I was a good parent. He thought I was a good leader. He thought I had attributes of a strong male role model. I figured he was just saying this to keep me on the phone.
I have been honest with him. I have been honest with my Soldiers. While they trained on Nov 3rd last year in the field .. I stayed home called in sick and tried to kill myself. Pathetic. He thought it required strength. I explained that I just don't know when not to share stuff. Being Aspie isn't strong it is just being Aspie.
He was mobilized too for a year. He and his wife separated. he had an injury and went into Medical Holding. He is going thru a tuff divorce .. and he wants to die. I explained that people who wish to die kill themselves. People who are sad and want help tell people.
I tried to explain to him my little understanding of depression and suicide. I also explained to him that I have a very different view on suicide that many Americans do not subscribe too. I told him no matter what he believes he would have to agree that anytime we make decisions bases upon strong emotion and without thought it will most likely be the wrong decision.
Ironic that I am giving this advice .. it makes me feel especially Christian.
So after four hours of talking him down and getting him not to make any rash decisions until after AT. (April) We ended the phone call.
But strangely I dont feel good. I am still kinda just copacetic. But now it is Sat. I work in 19 hours. I am in no pressure to sleep .. but I am thinking.
As a selfish being what do I take from this conversation. How will this change me or affect me?
The truth is that I was in love with my Children's mother. I fear I still am. She left me because of my flaws and irritating nature. I can not change the past. There are only some things I can about my self. But what I can control is how I react with their mother. How I can treat her and how I can speak about her in front of the children.
One of the biggest things that I felt hurt from during our divorce is that my X wife was naive to think that Jake did not routinely listen to her conversations on the phone and with other people. She heals by continual sharing of her emotions. So this continual re-telling of her stories to her friends that Jake witnessed made him very confused and hurt.
I need to get past this. I need to work from there and create a new relationship with my children. I understand that Jake blames me for the divorce and he is mostly rightly so .. however I think it very evident that if I can not get over this than it will only continually stop Jakes and my relationship from healing.
My divorce too has been hard. My wife divorced me. But also my children have been divorced from me. I can handle my friend Robert kicking me out of his life. And I can handle loosing all my friends. But I need to work with my all to repair the relationship with my children.
It is probably very rude to think but when this CPT was telling me his story .. I was thinking to myself "hell that is nothing compared to the hell i have been thru." I would make a terrible therapist. I am not sure why he considers me a good leader. I am just glad I was home and could assist him with his anguish.
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