Snow Patrol

So I am sitting here at 130 am on a Thur Night about 3 hours before I need to wake up for work writing a letter to my Son Jake.

Not that I think It is my responsibility; but the topic is on strength. How do we know if we have it .. how to we increase it; what can it be utilized for.

http://youtu.be/GemKqzILV4w

begins to play on my Pandora Station.

It is something that has always brought good memories and thoughts of my X. When it came out I was in love with her and dreaming of spending the rest of my life with her.

I stopped writing.  I have had a Soldier of mine tell me he thought I was a strong individual.  TBH I had never thought of myself as having that particular trait.

But what is it that makes a man strong.  it aint the gym.  it aint a lifted truck it aint the honeys he can pull in.

As many things that pop in my head occasionally about my X and any negative comment I could utter about her; I can say 10 times the amount for me.  One of the biggest problems with Monica and why she troubles me after 17 years is that I never felt that I was able to amend what I had done wrong to her.

I feel the same for my ex.  I loved Mindy.  I still do.  But for some reason I feel like I have wronged her and abused her over the last 14 years and have yet to make amends. 

A girl on one of the Social Media sites asked me why I would join and put in my profile that I do not date and am not looking for a GF.  (she obviously thought she could change my opinion)  I asked her if she had ever watched "The Big bang Theory"  and if she knew who Sheldon was.  She said she liked it and that her 19 yr old son thought it was the best show on TV.  I told her the reason I don't date is because I do not believe that it is good or right to start a relationship with a female and then expect her to have to deal with Sheldon like qualities.

She pressed on and said .. Oh but he is funny and so cute! .... and I explained that is fine and all for a 30 min show once a week.  But what about 24/7 .. what about for 14 years.  14 years of forgetting dates, anniversaries.  14 years of obscure references, inappropriate and social awkward humour,.  14 years on missed social interaction and misjudged social cues.  14 years on inadvertent but in attentiveness, carelessness, empathy lacking, and randomness.  14 years of debating minutia.

I explained that I feel so bad what I did to my X wife that it would not be fair to put another human thru what I had put my wife thru.

There is no fixing who or what I am.  There is simply minimizing the damage I do to neurotypical individuals my my awkwardness.

So what is strength?   I for my eldest son's sake need to help hm cope with his Aspie self.  I need to assist him in learning the neurotypical ways so that he can grow and learn to socialize in a "semi" appropriate way.  I need to be strong enough for him that I can admit my fault and wrong doing so that hopefully he can learn from my errors and when it come time for him to meet a young lady .. that hopefully he can not put her thru the same torture of getting slim fast for Christmas.

I don't know what strength is.  But I think it starts with recognizing your own faults and making a conscious effort to learn  by them and grow from them.