I am not as funny as you think.

Guess I was still thinking about surgery on Tuesday ..but when I awoke tonight I was thinking about how I can go about improving and learning to live with who I am.

Tuesday I said something inappropriate at work.  nothing bad .. but something that the Dr said .. Wow ....!!!! .... and everyone laughed.

My humour often times is on the edge, it is misplaced, it is too often.

But in reality it is not humour.  The way in which I have learned to cope with my inability to recognize certain social situation is to change it to my advantage and play on my terms.  I feel that in the past when I am uncomfortable, when I am stressed, when I am pleased, when I feel any strong emotion  .. I make jokes.

And even stranger from that ... when I do not intend to make jokes but my thinking is sooo abstract that people assume they are jokes.

It is evident that I am very poor at reading social queues.  But I find that when I mix humour into a situation people will give me more information so that i can make a guess on what they are trying to convey.

So is it humour, or awkwardness ... or a strange mixture of a guy who is just trying not to be caught.  I go thru my day so often nervous about the new people I meet but after so many years of lying to myself and trying to hide it from others  ... I have always just been a scared little boy but as I pretend to be a man .. I have humour and sarcasm at my disposal to achieve my goals.

I find it sooo ironic that when I meet new people they seem to appreciate my sense of humour of anything else .. but it is my sense of humour that keeps who I am from them.  There have been very few people that I have been able to be honest with in this world.  And one of them I thought I could be honest was totally misjudged me and thought I was something awful.  I don't if he was blinded by others influence, or if he was blinded by lust.  Or maybe I am just that awful of a person and should live the remainder of my life in a cell.

I guess I have been blessed with humour.  I am obsessed with the desire to observe the ironic.  I can swim all day on the internet looking at cats and memes.  I can even tell a joke once in a while .. but it all reality;  I am not as funny as most people think.


I need to stop waking up and writing .. I wonder if these at all make any sense.