Easter

I have always had a very different relationship with God.  I have never struggled if I believe or not it is a more of a .. should I follow or not. 

I am not sure I want to follow a deity who uses fear to control his followers and propels them into belief.

I solved that dilemma a long long time ago.  Now I have a new one.

I have been so angry for so many months now.  I feel that I have been abandoned by my lord and I feel I am not worth his love.

I have a chance to go to mass tomorrow.  It has been many years since I have been to church.  I have been attending my wives church for so long that I am not sure if I even remember the flow or the prayers.

I know none of this matters.  But what does matter  .. is the question that plagues me.  Now and last night.  Am I ready for religion again?

Is this a sign I am healing or is this a sign that I am so week I am turning to religion to save me like so many of the masses.  

I hope its the first.  We will see with time.