Happy Brithday ... to him

I don't normally put much weight in my dreams. Normally they are the subconscious mind rearranging and organizing thoughts during the day.  I don't believe that our dream are magical and are somehow leading us in our lives.

But when I have repeater dreams of over 4 that's when I start to notice.

I have been having dreams about my eldest child.  He recently had a birthday.  I still have  yet to buy him a gift.  It doesn't matter that its belated because he will not see all the gifts and letters I have for him on his bed.

I have this dream of my old house and my old family and my old friends all surrounding him waiting for him to blow out the candles.  I see Tyrone and Sam .. and all of my X family.

And as they sing to him he closes his eyes to make a wish and a single tear falls from his face.  and as I see if slowly move down his freckled features .. past the ridge of his nose and down to his jawline ..... and as it falls .. I wake up.

He never tells anyone what he wishes for before he blows out the candles.  But I know.  I know what its like to grow up with out a father.  I know how I felt every fathers day and every holiday when he wasn't around.

I feel like a ghost looking at people from above watching him and his brother.  Watching all these people who I once knew.  Or at least I thought I knew.

I didn't right my son a B Day letter.  I think that I am too emotional at this point and what comes out my not be pure and unbiased.  I have an idea of what I am going to get him, I just need too save some money.

It seems like every time I have this dream he is getting older and older.  I am wondering if it is a sign that is telling me not to take this job in San Jose.  But I fear if I stay in Olympia and if I stay at MAMC I will never be able to get out of debt and will have to file bankruptcy.  But Jake is 11 now.  And he is going to need a father now more than ever. . and what use is a father 2 states away.  I saw my father once  ... when I was growing up after he moved to Cali.

I hope that these dreams end once he hits 18.  I hope this all ends.  Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side.  But not for the rest of the people left by on the wayside.

I hope he is doing well.  I hope he never made that wish at his Birthday. 

But I am tired and it is late and I have slept less than 4 hours in the last 48.  I should sleep now .. but what will I be punished with in tonight's dreams.