Did you miss me?

one question I always had a hard time with when my Ex would ask me was "Did you miss me?" ... she has these conferences she goes too for  3 or 4 days at a time.

When she is gone she calls the kids every night.  When she is home she puts them to bed every night  and when she is home and wakes up she checks on the all the time.

After she would come back she would ask if I missed her?  .. and I would always skirt the issue and say "I wasn't aiming."

But was I missing?  A friend texted me to see how I was doing.  We have not texted in about 5 months.  She asked if I missed our conversations. ....

Is it ok that I dont miss.  Is it something so completely bizarre that I am ok being alone in a dark room for 48 hours a weekend eating nothing but salad and ramen on the internet?

It is very evident to me by my thoughts and my deeds .. that I miss my kids.  But is that because I do not have access?  When I was with my kids and I was gone for just a week or two .. I didn't really miss them.  It doesn't mean that I did not love them .. it just mean that is how I am wired.

My Ex GF said she can't be in a relationship where she has to always initiate communication.  I never realized it but that is what I enjoyed about my Ex.  She never had a thought that she didn't share.  From the time I came home we were communicating and I never had to worry about if I was choosing a good or bad time or if she wanted to or didn't want to talk.   When Melinda was ready to talk she would.  And that made me happy.  I never had to miss her I never got to miss her .. I took it for granted it was a condition in my life that would always exist.

So now that my life is different.  Do I miss it?  Well I do know for  a fact that it is not going to happen again.  So I should miss it.  I def miss the kids.  But .. these are strange feelings to me and I have not yet sorted them out.

Before we divorced she had a list of conditions in which I would need to comply with in order to keep that relationship.

I was unable to comply.  So does that mean I mentally choose that the change was not worth the pain I would feel from missing her. .. or did my mind realize that I don't miss .. So it was not worth the change?

And what about my cats?  I loved my cats.  Every night I would drive home and the damn cats could here the distinct sound of my engine and would run t o the front yard to meet me.  They where my stimming.  We had a very mutually fulfilling relationship.    Do I miss them?

Alot of emotions I dont understand.  Alot of time I dont even understand how others or rahter what others are feeling.  As much as I miss my kids .. I still do not feel the desire to check up on them everynight to see if they are ok ... I jsut kinda assume that when she is ready or they are ready .. some how my phone will ring.

I dont get calls .. apart from collectors.  Even my mom texts now.  But I still keep the phone volume on.  I think I miss them ... just in my own bizarre way.