Friday, March 29, 2013

Happy Brithday ... to him

I don't normally put much weight in my dreams. Normally they are the subconscious mind rearranging and organizing thoughts during the day.  I don't believe that our dream are magical and are somehow leading us in our lives.

But when I have repeater dreams of over 4 that's when I start to notice.

I have been having dreams about my eldest child.  He recently had a birthday.  I still have  yet to buy him a gift.  It doesn't matter that its belated because he will not see all the gifts and letters I have for him on his bed.

I have this dream of my old house and my old family and my old friends all surrounding him waiting for him to blow out the candles.  I see Tyrone and Sam .. and all of my X family.

And as they sing to him he closes his eyes to make a wish and a single tear falls from his face.  and as I see if slowly move down his freckled features .. past the ridge of his nose and down to his jawline ..... and as it falls .. I wake up.

He never tells anyone what he wishes for before he blows out the candles.  But I know.  I know what its like to grow up with out a father.  I know how I felt every fathers day and every holiday when he wasn't around.

I feel like a ghost looking at people from above watching him and his brother.  Watching all these people who I once knew.  Or at least I thought I knew.

I didn't right my son a B Day letter.  I think that I am too emotional at this point and what comes out my not be pure and unbiased.  I have an idea of what I am going to get him, I just need too save some money.

It seems like every time I have this dream he is getting older and older.  I am wondering if it is a sign that is telling me not to take this job in San Jose.  But I fear if I stay in Olympia and if I stay at MAMC I will never be able to get out of debt and will have to file bankruptcy.  But Jake is 11 now.  And he is going to need a father now more than ever. . and what use is a father 2 states away.  I saw my father once  ... when I was growing up after he moved to Cali.

I hope that these dreams end once he hits 18.  I hope this all ends.  Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side.  But not for the rest of the people left by on the wayside.

I hope he is doing well.  I hope he never made that wish at his Birthday. 

But I am tired and it is late and I have slept less than 4 hours in the last 48.  I should sleep now .. but what will I be punished with in tonight's dreams.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Easter

I have always had a very different relationship with God.  I have never struggled if I believe or not it is a more of a .. should I follow or not. 

I am not sure I want to follow a deity who uses fear to control his followers and propels them into belief.

I solved that dilemma a long long time ago.  Now I have a new one.

I have been so angry for so many months now.  I feel that I have been abandoned by my lord and I feel I am not worth his love.

I have a chance to go to mass tomorrow.  It has been many years since I have been to church.  I have been attending my wives church for so long that I am not sure if I even remember the flow or the prayers.

I know none of this matters.  But what does matter  .. is the question that plagues me.  Now and last night.  Am I ready for religion again?

Is this a sign I am healing or is this a sign that I am so week I am turning to religion to save me like so many of the masses.  

I hope its the first.  We will see with time. 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Not every debt can be paid.

Now that I  am in my new life.  I find that I am slowly becoming accustom to the "status quo"

I grew up poor and to be honest besides the weight gain .. I really don't have problems with eating ramen everyday.

I got a call from Grimm today.  Evidently I owe the city of Lacey money for last year Oct and Nov water bill and they want to add an extra 144$ do to the tardiness.  TBH I am even getting use to being in debt.  It may take me 7 years to get thru all this debt ... but that is not really that important either.

Fiscal debt is simple.  But a debt owed on one's soul is completely different.  For those debt I dont know if they can ever be paid.

I can thank the best years of my life to my X.  She provided me with acceptance, a family (in more ways than one) and direction in which to grow.  That is a hard debt to pay back.

But even harder.  When I met this woman; I also introduced her to my father.  he was grumpy, miserable, and a mental wreck when he came back to WA.  With her caring she took carcass of a man and made him renewed.  She accepted him for all his faults and without any knowledge to his life indiscretions she accepted him for who he was at that time and loved him.

I hold my X responsible for bringing him back.  I was unable to talk with this man when he first came back to WA.  But after years with my X he changed (slowly) and I began to have a relationship with my father.  With out my X it would have never been.

I owe my X so many things but one debt that I can never repay is that she with empathy and compassion help recover that old man's life; change it and redirect it in a better direction and with her love and kindness she started a rebirth in him.

When he died it was his time.  he was old and lived way farther than anyone ever expected of him.  his death was inevitable (like my own) but the last months of his life ... although ill .. he knew he was loved and a part of a family.

If he was alive today I know he would have been proud of her.  Not because she is a financial success or that she excels in sales and marketing but rather because she excels in tenderness and is instead of financial success .... she is successful in building relationships.

When my father passed I was worried that there would be no one at his funeral.  I have no such fear for my ex.  She will have hundreds if not thousands who have been changed by her.

I am not sure if every debt can ever be repaid.  I am not ever sure if trying to repay it might someone how weaken it diminish it.

I just hope that maybe one day .. my Sons can meet a lady who is as giving as she was .. and maybe thru her actions my funeral wont be empty either.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Snow Patrol

So I am sitting here at 130 am on a Thur Night about 3 hours before I need to wake up for work writing a letter to my Son Jake.

Not that I think It is my responsibility; but the topic is on strength. How do we know if we have it .. how to we increase it; what can it be utilized for.

http://youtu.be/GemKqzILV4w

begins to play on my Pandora Station.

It is something that has always brought good memories and thoughts of my X. When it came out I was in love with her and dreaming of spending the rest of my life with her.

I stopped writing.  I have had a Soldier of mine tell me he thought I was a strong individual.  TBH I had never thought of myself as having that particular trait.

But what is it that makes a man strong.  it aint the gym.  it aint a lifted truck it aint the honeys he can pull in.

As many things that pop in my head occasionally about my X and any negative comment I could utter about her; I can say 10 times the amount for me.  One of the biggest problems with Monica and why she troubles me after 17 years is that I never felt that I was able to amend what I had done wrong to her.

I feel the same for my ex.  I loved Mindy.  I still do.  But for some reason I feel like I have wronged her and abused her over the last 14 years and have yet to make amends. 

A girl on one of the Social Media sites asked me why I would join and put in my profile that I do not date and am not looking for a GF.  (she obviously thought she could change my opinion)  I asked her if she had ever watched "The Big bang Theory"  and if she knew who Sheldon was.  She said she liked it and that her 19 yr old son thought it was the best show on TV.  I told her the reason I don't date is because I do not believe that it is good or right to start a relationship with a female and then expect her to have to deal with Sheldon like qualities.

She pressed on and said .. Oh but he is funny and so cute! .... and I explained that is fine and all for a 30 min show once a week.  But what about 24/7 .. what about for 14 years.  14 years of forgetting dates, anniversaries.  14 years of obscure references, inappropriate and social awkward humour,.  14 years on missed social interaction and misjudged social cues.  14 years on inadvertent but in attentiveness, carelessness, empathy lacking, and randomness.  14 years of debating minutia.

I explained that I feel so bad what I did to my X wife that it would not be fair to put another human thru what I had put my wife thru.

There is no fixing who or what I am.  There is simply minimizing the damage I do to neurotypical individuals my my awkwardness.

So what is strength?   I for my eldest son's sake need to help hm cope with his Aspie self.  I need to assist him in learning the neurotypical ways so that he can grow and learn to socialize in a "semi" appropriate way.  I need to be strong enough for him that I can admit my fault and wrong doing so that hopefully he can learn from my errors and when it come time for him to meet a young lady .. that hopefully he can not put her thru the same torture of getting slim fast for Christmas.

I don't know what strength is.  But I think it starts with recognizing your own faults and making a conscious effort to learn  by them and grow from them.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Is there anyone out there?

is anyone out there?  recently it has come to light that this blog is public?  ... how many people actually read this? 

If you have or do .. could you please email me at Joseph.a.reese@gmail.com  not that I want a conversation or anything .. just that I want to know if there is anyone really out there who has seen this.

Public Thoughts. Public Threats

 I received an email this morning.  I believe it to be from my X wife. It  read something like this:

"I am aware that you have put your blog back up as well as reposted the pic of Jake in tears as your gmail profile picture. While I am not certain these things are in violation of the order I am saddened that you have chosen to make your thoughts public as well as use such a sad photo of our son to represent you. Your thoughts are all over the place, from suicide, to love to not knowing if you have the ability to miss people or feel true emotions. Some of these posts are disturbing and even detrimental to my career as you use my business name and my name in the posts. If you are truly working towards seeing your kids this blog does not help show emotional stability. In fact it does the exact opposite. If you decide to leave it up I feel the need to take the next steps in the process to having you remove it from the web. I also have found pictures of me in various states of clothing that you have photo shopped and.posted. Please remove them from your deviant art site and anywhere else they may reside. I do not want to have to take this further and cause any more possible legal ramifications. I am legally able to send you this as I cannot violate my own order. Please do not respond as you would be in violation. I appreciate your considering how this all has affected me and in turn affected our children."

"I am aware that you have put your blog back up" .. it was never up .. it was never down.  it simply is something I was typing for myself that I did not know was public.  I did not intentionally make this public. I do not know if anyone apart from you and your cronies read this.  I am not sure that I know how to change the settings.

"as well as reposted the pic of Jake in tears as your gmail profile picture" This is something different than the blog.  It is a picture of how much my child misses me and the look on his face when his parent refused to abide by a legal government order to allow him to see me for thanksgiving.

"Your thoughts are all over the place ..." indeed.  I am a little sad and I have been a little confused.  It is not often I am betrayed by so many people in my life and forced to make so many significant changes.

"Some of these posts are disturbing and even detrimental to my career as you use my business name and my name in the posts." I am not sure how my posts would affect your career,  But I am glad you got to your point of your email halfway into your paragraph.   To be honest I do not really know what is in my blog.  I have written it all ... but I do not go back and reread them all. I am sure that some of it is not positive as that many of them serve as journals that I write as I wake up.  Some of them, many of them are passing thoughts and even dreams.  I am not sure how any of this would affect Armada.

"If you are truly working towards seeing your kids this blog does not help show emotional stability. In fact it does the exact opposite. If you decide to leave it up I feel the need to take the next steps in the process to having you remove it from the web." Strange how this course I take on Parenting says not to threaten the other parent with custody issues when you have a problem with them.  The truth of the matter is that I have been denied custody because my X wife and I have a personal conflict.  I am not abusive to my kids.  I have not hurt my kids.  I am a good parent.  My X is with holding my visitation rights because she has an emotional problem with me.  She is not upset that I am a bad parent. She is not upset that I am a threat to solemnity.  She is simply upset because I am public with my opinions and thoughts.

" I also have found pictures of me in various states of clothing that you have photo shopped and.posted."  if you go back to your evidence and check the dates at which those picture were posted they were long before the divorce.  You name is no where near those pictures.  They were not put up in an effort to discredit you or someone else.  The offending pictures have been removed.   In my opinion; the fact that I posted a picture of your likeness months prior to our divorce and the rest of this issue are separate.  I have treated it as such and have complied.

As far as the issue of your threats ... I do not do well with threats.  I am not really in a place in life that I can any longer be threatened from you.

1)  I give 60% of my income towards the children.  -  There is no legal way to take more of what I make.  I have gotten very very good and living on a tight tight budget.  I am able to live on 900 a month.  All my other money go to paying off your appliances in your home and to paying off your Volvo.

2) Friends -  I have none.  You can not take them away, you can no longer influence them.  You can no longer tell them stories and get them to side with you.  All my friends I ever had I have left or have stopped being friends with.  You can not influence any of my friends if I do not have them.

3)  Family - My family knows exactly what I think or believe about them.  They know how far I think I can trust them and they know exactly how far they can trust me.  I am completely honest with them.  It is not important if they are honest with me or what their opinion of me is .. because t hey do not greatly impact my life.   If you do or do not influence them it will not affect me.

Now the areas you can affect me.

1) Our Children- you have the knowledge to probably keep this restraining order up until the kids are 18.  And to be honest with you I have already paid 700 dollars in fines not counting how many missed days at work to get my visitation with my kids back.  I am sure there lots of really good stories you tell them on why there Dad is gone.   And I am sure to you that even sometimes some of those stories seem just a little bit real.  But the truth is no matter how much you hurt me or hurt out children I am sure they will find out the truth.  And you know from my personal experience that learning the truth a dozen years after the offense does not serve well to the perpetrator.  I do not really do a whole lot of complaining about my X wives parenting skills or styles.  I think we all have gifts and we all have areas to work on.  If I was a friend to my X wife and wanted to give her some advice I would ask her to re consider what she tells the children when she is upset.  Once you start to make little lies you will find yourself making big ones.  And with Jake's condition we both know what happens when he finds out someone is lying to him.  After Nana lies to him about the rainbow; he has always questioned everything she has told him.  The truth is my X wife was upset with me for texting her fiancee a mean and inappropriate text.  It was 100% of my fault and I should have never done so.  Looking back I wish I never did.  Not because it was untrue or because it was hurtful but rather because it will have long lasting ramifications in a direction I did not wish to travel.

2) Barb - it all goes back to Barb.  Barb asked me to stop posting on facebook.  I did.  I even closed my Facebook down.  I love her very dearly.  The reason I went to jail was because of a reaction I had to being told that Barb likes Robert more than she ever liked me.  It was not right or correct that I get upset with my Ex.  I should have never set foot into our house again.  When the conversation changed to My X wives feeling and perceptions I should have politely excused myself and took the high road and refuse to argue.  It is my X wides habit to go to church on Sunday and then to go to her mother's
 and gossip about the past week.  I have heard if for over a dozen years.   Sometimes its about people they know.  Sometimes its about people at church.  I am sure that alot of the gossip lately has been about me.  I can see her asking for the kids to go upstairs and play so she can sit down and eat while her Mom cooks so she can tell her Mom all the hurt feelings and lies she has to tell. But I have been hurt as much as I can by not having Barb in my life.  While it is very true I miss her.  And my life will forever dimmed by not having her in my life.  I can not be hurt anymore for her not being in my life.  I don't communicate with Barb and more.  Out of respect for my X Wife.  Barb's opinon of me whether good or bad has no influence any longer on me.  If my X Wife continues spreading gossip and lies to her about me it will not affect me in any way.

3) and Money.  My X wife knows she can always hurt me monetarily.  I am poor.  I make very little.  I work at a dead end job that has no possibility of progression.  In fact I will make 20% less this year than I made in previous years because of this furlough.  But my X could always do the most damage to me by forcing me to take off days of work to go to court cases and force me to pay fines and legal fees.

I guess it always came down to money.  One thing I regret in my life and in my marriage was never having enough motivation to finish College.  One of the big impacts in my divorce was the fact I never made enough money for my X wife.  She always felt that she had to make more money to some how make up for my faults.  I guess we all have different goals and different standards of living that we wish to reside at.  Her's has always been higher than my meager salary could afford.


My X wife makes her thoughts public by mass communication.  She has a thought.  She repeats that thought through verbal and text communication with a friend.  Then she continues to go through all her lists of friends until she has spread that thought.

The difference between us is that I simply write a blog. 

I am not sure what the legal difference between someone going around from person to person telling them gossip and lies from someone who post thoughts on a public forum.

My blogs harms no one.  A total of 20 people have visited this blog in a year.  I assumed it was simply me trying to log on from a different computer or different gmail account.  No one besides my X has ever said they have seen this blog.  I do not make it public to anyone I know.  The only people that know I write this are my counselor (who told me too) and those that my X wife has told (i.e. My Mother)

My Mother asked me to take it down. She said that Melinda saves a copy of everything I post for evidence.

So I need to weigh the benefits into keeping a blog.  does it serve a helpful and beneficial medical use to getting me thru these tough times?  Or is it the means at which my X can demonstrate my past emotional state in an effort to further keep the children from me.

I will need to spend some time on this one.  Harassing me and threatening me will not actually assist in me coming to a conclusion sooner. Either way .. I will take her opinion into advisement.  I will take my mothers opinion too.  I will look to see if there is a way to turn this to private so that I can appease all parties.

But lets not confuse things.  If a person does unethical things; or if a person makes certain choices in their personal life and those impact there workplace.  It is not the person who told the story who is to blame.  It is the person who did the unethical act.  I do not talk negatively about the place of employment where my X works.  To be honest I have no issue with where she works or anyplace she has worked.  Now that I am divorced I honestly see no reason why I would ever see a need to communicate with her company or say something about that company.

This harassing email she has sent me is about two things.  She does not wish to see negative pictures of her or her family.   She does not want private things in her life to become public.

In the past my X has had some pictures spread about the web.   But what she does not know is that prior to the divorce I deleted all my pictures of her (revealing or not) off my computers and email account so that I would never feel tempted at sharing those pics.  I never told her this and to be honest it is not really important that she knows it.  If my Ex a t time in our relationship felt the desire to give me a gift of her beauty in a photo it was meant for that time and those emotions.  It is not meant to be used several years later when I am angry.  So all I have of her are my memories now.  And that is enough.  I never intended on hurting anyone with my pictures on my art site or on my Gmail.

I look at Jake's crying face daily and use that as motivation to improve and to work as hard as I can so I may see my children.

As far as my thoughts and my public display of them.  Please trust me from experience it will stop mattering to you.  When I was married I asked for years for my personal life not be shared in public.  But it was not in my X wife's nature not to Vent (Gossip.)  After a while it stops bugging you and you stop caring.  By the time the relationship was over I no longer cared. I just assumed that anything I said was instantly told to Robert, Jamie, Sarah, and Barb.

Since the divorce I have been living with everything I do or think publicized.  In the future when I am long dead and gone and my children think back on my life.  They will see a man who made a terrible mistake when he was in his early 20s.  They will see a man who tried to make up for it but never got over it.  They will see that I was wronged by Robert and his decision.  They will know that My Wife at the time was feeding information to him which lead to his decision.  They will see a many who was so obsessed with Jiujitsu and Marital Arts that he chose to spend more time at the gym than with his family.  Then they will see him give up his obsession and how it hurt him dearly.

I don't know what the future hold for me.  And to be honest I don''t see any "bright light" over  the horizon.  All I know is that I am a simple person who wishes to see his children.  I may have made mistakes in the past,  I prob will make mistakes in the future; but neither of those issues has anything to do with my ability to parent.

If this blog somehow disappears .. its not because I am wrong, or even that I should not be feeling the way I do; but rather it will be gone because I realize that my children are the most important thing in my life and that I need to take the high road when my X threatens me. 

Saturday, March 9, 2013

You work on your day off?

I have always been torn by the old Army saying "Your a Soldier 24/7" ...  it is quite evident that I do not get paid for 24 hours worth of work 7 days a week.  Hell I am a reservist who works 2 days a month and makes less than 500$ on a paycheck. 

Computed out that equates almost 75cents an hour. (why dont computers make cent signs anymore?)

So I received a phone call 4 hours ago.  From a Captain in my Unit.  I hate talking on the phone but it seemed important so I can live with the pain from the cauliflower.

He made some pretty flattering compliments.  He always respected me and my Relationship with Mindy.  He had always thought I was a good parent.  He thought I was a good leader.  He thought I had attributes of a strong male role model.  I figured he was just saying this to keep me on the phone.

I have been honest with him.  I have been honest with my Soldiers.  While they trained on Nov 3rd last year in the field .. I stayed home called in sick and tried to kill myself.  Pathetic.  He thought it required strength.  I explained that I just don't know when not to share stuff.  Being Aspie isn't strong it is just being Aspie.

He was mobilized too for a year.  He and his wife separated.  he had an injury and went into Medical Holding.  He is going thru a tuff divorce .. and he wants to die.  I explained that people who wish to die kill themselves.  People who are sad and want help tell people. 

 I tried to explain to him my little understanding of depression and suicide.  I also explained to him that I have a very different view on suicide that many Americans do not subscribe too.  I told him no matter what he believes he would have to agree that anytime we make decisions bases upon strong emotion and without thought it will most likely be the wrong decision.
 

Ironic that I am giving this advice .. it makes me feel especially Christian.

So after four hours of talking him down and getting him not to make any rash decisions until after AT. (April) We ended the phone call. 

But strangely I dont feel good.  I am still kinda just copacetic. But now it is Sat.  I work in 19 hours.  I am in no pressure to sleep .. but I am thinking.

As a selfish being what do I take from this conversation.  How will this change me or affect me?

The truth is that I was in love with my Children's mother.  I fear I still am.  She left me because of my flaws and irritating nature.  I can not change the past.  There are only some things I can about my self.  But what I can control is how I react with their mother.  How I can treat her and how I can speak about her in front of the children.

One of the biggest things that I felt hurt from during our divorce is that my X wife was naive to think that Jake did not routinely listen to her conversations on the phone and with other people.  She heals by continual sharing of her emotions.  So this continual re-telling of her stories to her friends that Jake witnessed made him very confused and hurt.

I need to get past this.  I need to work from there and create a new relationship with my children.  I understand that Jake blames me for the divorce and he is mostly rightly so .. however I think it very evident that if I can not get over this than it will only continually stop Jakes and my relationship from healing.

My divorce too has been hard.  My wife divorced me.  But also my children have been divorced from me.  I can handle my friend Robert kicking me out of his life.  And I can handle loosing all my friends.  But I need to work with my all to repair the relationship with my children.

It is probably very rude to think but when this CPT was telling me his story .. I was thinking to myself "hell that is nothing compared to the hell i have been thru."  I would make a terrible therapist.  I am not sure why he considers me a good leader.  I am just glad I was home and could assist him with his anguish.

Friday, March 8, 2013

I am not as funny as you think.

Guess I was still thinking about surgery on Tuesday ..but when I awoke tonight I was thinking about how I can go about improving and learning to live with who I am.

Tuesday I said something inappropriate at work.  nothing bad .. but something that the Dr said .. Wow ....!!!! .... and everyone laughed.

My humour often times is on the edge, it is misplaced, it is too often.

But in reality it is not humour.  The way in which I have learned to cope with my inability to recognize certain social situation is to change it to my advantage and play on my terms.  I feel that in the past when I am uncomfortable, when I am stressed, when I am pleased, when I feel any strong emotion  .. I make jokes.

And even stranger from that ... when I do not intend to make jokes but my thinking is sooo abstract that people assume they are jokes.

It is evident that I am very poor at reading social queues.  But I find that when I mix humour into a situation people will give me more information so that i can make a guess on what they are trying to convey.

So is it humour, or awkwardness ... or a strange mixture of a guy who is just trying not to be caught.  I go thru my day so often nervous about the new people I meet but after so many years of lying to myself and trying to hide it from others  ... I have always just been a scared little boy but as I pretend to be a man .. I have humour and sarcasm at my disposal to achieve my goals.

I find it sooo ironic that when I meet new people they seem to appreciate my sense of humour of anything else .. but it is my sense of humour that keeps who I am from them.  There have been very few people that I have been able to be honest with in this world.  And one of them I thought I could be honest was totally misjudged me and thought I was something awful.  I don't if he was blinded by others influence, or if he was blinded by lust.  Or maybe I am just that awful of a person and should live the remainder of my life in a cell.

I guess I have been blessed with humour.  I am obsessed with the desire to observe the ironic.  I can swim all day on the internet looking at cats and memes.  I can even tell a joke once in a while .. but it all reality;  I am not as funny as most people think.


I need to stop waking up and writing .. I wonder if these at all make any sense.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

guess this aint private.

I was told today via my mother that this blog is not private.  My apologies.  I thought it was.  My Ex told my mother that a mutual friend told her that this existed.  Funny thing is me and my Ex have no Mutual friends.

So I will fix it.  I will make this set to private somehow .. As that anything I write can be construed as communication and there fore a violation of a restraining order.

This is fucking ridiculous.  This was recommended to me thru my Shrink.

____________________________________________________

I am not sure why I am such a whiny lil bitch.  I normally run thru my life with no filter and it should not matter if people know intimate details about my life.  But I guess if the truth about me hurts and makes me a bad parent ... than so be it.

I don't think I am going to delete this.  I have been working on it for some time.  I think when my children are able to search the internet I will delete it.  I did learn some good things in the parenting class the other night.  maybe not a 100$ worth of stuff but it  was good.

My kids dont deserve to know what casued me and my exes break up.  All they should know is that there are two people who are know longer friends who have one thing in common and that is to raise two outstanding men.

As far as the rest of the crap in my life .. it is not at all important.

This is not communication to anyone.  This is a effort for me to post things in private to sort out my thoughts so that I never have to utter them.  When I was posting on Facebook they were harmful and hurtful.  As long as they where private here they harmed no one.

Now that I guess they are public we will see if this causes me to go to court again or even jail.  I really don't mind either way.  Its not like I am doing anything this month.

Dear Zac

This is a letter I wrote for my youngest.  I leave them on the kids bed so that when they are able to come back home they will have plenty to remind them that I care and thought about them often.

Dear Zac,

I hope you are doing great!  I want you to know that I think of you often and wish I could hug you daily and watch you grow.

Today I saw your friend out side.  Squirrly the Squirrel.  He looked like he missed you too.  So when I feed him I make sure to tell him that you will be back someday.  he seems happy and eats his little nuts that we used to feed him.

The flowers are outside and starting to bloom.  I had planned on going to the store and having you decide what you want to plant.  SO I think instead I will try to guess on what flowers you like and I will plant them next to the strawberry bush.

I hope you and your brother and mom are doing good.  Make sure to hug them daily.  I miss you and cant wait for the next time you come over.

We will do something cool and fun just for you.

With Deep and Unconditional Love,

Dad.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Did you miss me?

one question I always had a hard time with when my Ex would ask me was "Did you miss me?" ... she has these conferences she goes too for  3 or 4 days at a time.

When she is gone she calls the kids every night.  When she is home she puts them to bed every night  and when she is home and wakes up she checks on the all the time.

After she would come back she would ask if I missed her?  .. and I would always skirt the issue and say "I wasn't aiming."

But was I missing?  A friend texted me to see how I was doing.  We have not texted in about 5 months.  She asked if I missed our conversations. ....

Is it ok that I dont miss.  Is it something so completely bizarre that I am ok being alone in a dark room for 48 hours a weekend eating nothing but salad and ramen on the internet?

It is very evident to me by my thoughts and my deeds .. that I miss my kids.  But is that because I do not have access?  When I was with my kids and I was gone for just a week or two .. I didn't really miss them.  It doesn't mean that I did not love them .. it just mean that is how I am wired.

My Ex GF said she can't be in a relationship where she has to always initiate communication.  I never realized it but that is what I enjoyed about my Ex.  She never had a thought that she didn't share.  From the time I came home we were communicating and I never had to worry about if I was choosing a good or bad time or if she wanted to or didn't want to talk.   When Melinda was ready to talk she would.  And that made me happy.  I never had to miss her I never got to miss her .. I took it for granted it was a condition in my life that would always exist.

So now that my life is different.  Do I miss it?  Well I do know for  a fact that it is not going to happen again.  So I should miss it.  I def miss the kids.  But .. these are strange feelings to me and I have not yet sorted them out.

Before we divorced she had a list of conditions in which I would need to comply with in order to keep that relationship.

I was unable to comply.  So does that mean I mentally choose that the change was not worth the pain I would feel from missing her. .. or did my mind realize that I don't miss .. So it was not worth the change?

And what about my cats?  I loved my cats.  Every night I would drive home and the damn cats could here the distinct sound of my engine and would run t o the front yard to meet me.  They where my stimming.  We had a very mutually fulfilling relationship.    Do I miss them?

Alot of emotions I dont understand.  Alot of time I dont even understand how others or rahter what others are feeling.  As much as I miss my kids .. I still do not feel the desire to check up on them everynight to see if they are ok ... I jsut kinda assume that when she is ready or they are ready .. some how my phone will ring.

I dont get calls .. apart from collectors.  Even my mom texts now.  But I still keep the phone volume on.  I think I miss them ... just in my own bizarre way. 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Whats Love got to do with it?

The problem I have with marriage .. and with my past life is that Love is not enough.  Love is not all you need.  And Love will not make a marriage work.

 I don't know who wrote the song but he was selling a line of bullshit.

But as I move away from my old life ... Hate is not enough either.  I just don't want to hate.  I just  can't hate.  I have had so many bad experiences over the past year .. yet I still feel love for these people who used to be close to me.

I have been lied too, betrayer, cheated on, stole from, mislead, gossiped about about, plotted against, arrested, and after all that is said and done .. I still miss her and love her.

I am not sure if this makes me pathetic or just dependent.

For every one thing I can say about my ex I still know deep in my soul that there are 20 great things about her that I can say as well.  SO how do I move on?

I've made the decision lately.  With the help of my last GF (who is amazing btw)  I am such a fucking wreck that I do not wish to ruin anyone life by trying to start a romantic relationship with them.  No one deserves me and the hell I go thru nightly.  I think the reason I look for a relationship is purely selfish. 

So out of respect for the people I may meet I have decided to not date for the undetermined future.

Not because I still love my Ex; because I still love all three of them.

Not because I want to focus on my kids .. because as much as I love them ... I am still unable to see them.

Simply because I still have yet to find an answer to what does Love really have to do with relationships.  The success and the failure of a relationship is far more complicated than just loving them.