The problem with active volcanos.

I live in the pacific north west.  West side Olympia to be specific.  When Mtn St helens blew I was younger and lived more north.  Since then we have had no "real" volcanic activity.

But its gonna happen.  Scientist believe a major explosion of Mtn Ranier by the end of my "natural" life time.

But I dont know which is better.  A Volcano that blows up big once in a very long while is very different than Hawaii where the Volcanoes spew all the time.

This is how I feel about emotion.  I do not believe in ignoring emotion.  I do not subscribe to the Volcan belief that emotion makes you weak.

I do however believe that I act and feel in a certain order that is not normal amongst the majority of the human race.  I like the neutral feeling that i have been feeling for the last 5 or 6 days.

I stayed home in my apt alone and burnt candles for Christmas.  I stayed home on New years and watch A&E Walking Dead marathon and burnt candle for New Years.  In the past every single year with Melinda we did something social.

But I have been strangely ok with out it.  I have been strangely ok without friends.  I closed my Facebooks accounts and out of all 400 "friends" only to people noticed.  1 being my Girlfriend; with whom things are not working out well right now.

I started a new med and wonder if that has been what was making me feel different.  However the Dr told me in would not start taking effect till the beginning of Jan.  I guess they where worried about me.

So nothing till tonight.  maybe it was the crime drama I was watching about an abusive husband who had control issues and he could not take it so he took a gun to his X wives work to have a conversation.  And the cops are saying that when a man has nothing else to loose often times he kills others right before he kills himself.

Now with the rumours that the guy in Connecticut was an Aspie; in combination with my divorce I kinda expect the court to look at me in a different light.  I have never been a violent person.  I have been afraid of conflict my whole life.  When I start feeling this hate ... I have no desire to do something to somebody I just have a desire to rid myself of this emotion.

In the past when I felt out of control or angry or upset or any other negative emotion I could not describe I would focus on my obsessions.  Namely Jiujitsu.

But this is the first time I am without Marital Arts.  The Owner of BJJ Olympia is the cause of my problems.  I can not go to my home and train with my support system and friends.  His betrayal of me is what causes me to hurt.

I get what my wife did.  She is a attention whore and always wants to win.  She just wanted everyone to stay her friend and be on her side.  She has always had loose morals when it came to sexual relations .. and that was probably why I stayed with her.  So for her to betray me by sleeping with my friends was kinda of expected.

For this friend to betray me is something I did not predict.

I need to get over this have and over this disgust.  I need to find a new out let of these emotions.

My Ex would have told you I am most like Mtn Ranier.  But I think I am or at least I want to be more like the Hawaiian volcanoes.  Just find a way to let off a little steam everyday .. and there will be no grand eruption.

This is how I want it.  Lord give me strength to get thru this.