that's not the right question.

Im single again.  Not by choice but by happenstance. I think it had less to do with me and more to do with Adrienne being incredibly busy ... but I am sure it had a bit to do with my depression.

She thinks I am depressed because of my divorce.  Which is partly true .. but the divorce of Jiujitsu is what seriously ails me.

One of the last time we spent together.  She said I want you to look into my eyes and tell me that you are not still in love with your X wife.

It's a very Neuro Typical type of statement.  It's also a very feminine statement.

I am not sure what she gains by being able to to see my eyes.  But when I look into her eye I see a gelatinous sphere comprised of several parts that interpret data and feed it to her brain.  For being Aspie; I dont often have a terrible time looking into someone eyes when they are not emotional.

I told her "That is not the questions you should be asking."

She says "how so?"

I say .. "That question will lead you to heart ache and is also something that you already know.  There is a more important question to ask."

she says .. well I am still asking, "Are you over Mindy?"

for which I had no option to reply but the truth; "No I am not."

She thought about this answer for 3 - 5 mins.  The quietness was only interrupted as her heart trembled.  I could see that she was being affected emotionally by this information.  i knew that this was the end of the relationship.

We didn't talk for two days.  I assume she was self hurting.  Then she texted simply, "So what was the right question?"

I replied "Are you over Monica yet?"

She didn't reply to that.

The truth is after 19 years I still love Masako.  After 17 years I still love Monica.  And after 1 year I still love Mindy. 

I really don't understand how or why my emotions work the way they do .. but I know it is simply best to feel them when they come up and then dismiss them quickly.  I simply just assumed I would love thees people all my life.

Every Jan comes by and goes and I want to contact Monica and Say hello.  I want to know that she is doing well and that I did not completely ruin her life.  I know Masa is fine.  She is strong she is independent; she reminds me of a different life I could  have led.

And well Mindy.  She is fine.  She is finding herself and learning to love herself.  She has everything she wanted out of life and is doing great.  I need not worry for her; but still I miss her.

I assume that if I wait for my emotions to fade surrounding these three ladies before I date again I would wait toward the end of my life.  I guess I just assumed that you keep on going and love people as our Lord loved us.  Without constraints or expectations.