filled to the rim with brim

I woke up early today.  Just about 2 hours nothing big.  I woke up upset and could not recover.  I  went to work and I don't know why.  I didn't break down; I wasn't rude ... but I could feel heat from my skin and I requested to go home early.

They acted like my request was ridiculous.  I worked the whole shift, and I made it thru.  But I think I am adopting a new strategy with my children restraining order.

It is so utterly sad to think but this restraining order against MS Crump might have been the best to me.

I got to work thru my issues and I have got to make sure that not only do I live them but I believe them.  Anyone ... know matter your wife or not has the right to love and make love to as many people as they want to.  Know matter what your friend has the right to begin and end relationships at any time.

It is too far ridiculous for me to be upset by such a trivial thing.  I enjoyed my marriage.  It was a good ten years or so.  But I can not expect a NT to endure my nature.  At it essence my nature tears down peoples optimism.  It eats at their happiness and causes friction to what might otherwise be a happy relationship.

I should just give up.  Except what I am.  Move on.  I think I might leave the state.  Go so far away that these people will not longer be able to hurt me again.  if I do not care about her .. She can not harm me.  If I do not care about his friendship there can be no betrayal.

I can logically work thru the sequence I just need for my heart to follow.  I am filled to the rim with this and and I do not desire for it to expressed to anyone.  I want to dispose of it quietly and go back to what many might consider a normal life.

I almost has good news today! .. its the first paycheck that they did not take twice the amount of child support.  I pay 988 a month.  They were taking 988 twice a month.  I was taking home about 750 -800 dollars every two weeks.  The divorce left me with 20-30 thousand dollars in debt.  My ER trip cost 2000.  And then after the good new of getting a paycheck with massive overtime of over 700$$ ... I did my taxes and becasue I can not claim my kids or my house ... I owe 2000$.  cant get a break.

I would welcome someone to walk into my house right now and shoot me in the head.  But with my luck I would end up paralyzed and the ER would billed me another couple thousand dollars.

It shouldn't be that hard to find someone to hire to kill myself.  I dont know why I am having problems.  I just dont know the right people I guess.

I trick myself into believing that I am living for my kids.  But in reality it is just me being selfish and not wanting to be like my dad.  The kids are fine.  They have everything they need. They have Melinda, Robert, Barb, and all of my ex friends.  There is nothing they need from me.