I have been surfing the internet for jobs today. Its not that I don't have a good one but I am a federal employee .. so pretty much I can go anywhere there is an opening.
But I need to leave. I am so hurt from all that has happened, Every night I go home and get so close to the people who have hurt me the most. I am surrounded. My in laws .. Robert .. and Melinda near by.
I can not see my children and the way things are looking they may make it a year or longer till I can. I can afford an attorney. I cant afford my taxes. I have to make the decision on to keep my cell phone or get r id of cable.
So I sit in my cave dark. lighting candles to fume the memories away .. and I think. When I leave who .. who should I write letters too?
How do you write a 6 yr old and a 10 yr old good bye letters. They can see me when they are 18 but for now .. I have but one page to give them all the parenting and love I can muster which will last them the next 8 - 12 years.
How do you fill that space?
Its easy to tell them I love them. But how do I explain to Jake how to deal with kids at shool who tease you because your aspie? How do I tell Zac to take care of his mom and brother and to be strong? He is only 6.
Right now every god damn letter I type is pounding on this fucking keyboard. tears are rolling down my fucking face. My father was never there for me and now like a self full filling prophecy just like my ex called me upon ... now I am leaving my kids. Its for the better. Its so I dont kill my self.
But how do you give upon your kids.
I hate this place I am in. I wish the world would have ended in 2012.
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