cycle of abuse

I have been given a lot to think about in the Domestic Violence Evaluation.  Honestly it has led to be doing more research than the time I have spent with them; but if anything will ever improve ... I need to make it.

Are you jealous of your partner? 
When I think of the last 14 years I am met with an over whelming yes.  I always was amazed at how easy she could talk with people and now that she is out of my life I am jealous I don't have her anymore.
 
Do you consider yourself the ruler of your castle?
I think tradition has a part of it.  I thought I had a household founded on trust and on faith but I realized it was mostly lies.  I sought control and consistency but in reality I was forcing my disease on others.

Do you need to feel needed?
No.   I think my ex is perfectly capable on her own.

 Have you ever said "Don't make me angry!"?
 Yes, not as a threat so much but as an aggressive verbal request.  I am a different kind of abuser.  I never hit never slapped, didn't call names ... but I withheld emotion.
 
Have you ever said something that your partner might consider a threat, even if you never really would do it or were just joking?
 I made a quote from Star Trek once about death and dying while driving during an argument.  I never liked arguing while driving because I thought it was dangerous ... so I created and forced everyone else to follow specific rules in the vehicle.

Do you consider it important that things go your way?
I think for the sake of structure I go too far at times and trying to get my way.

 Have you ever found yourself smiling or laughing when your partner is hurt?
 I have suffered from this all my life.  Whenever I see too much emotion I try to avoid it by looking away, smiling or telling some sort of a joke.

Have you ever gone to jail for violent behavior you've committed because: overly sensitive people blew your behavior way out of proportion?
I was arrested for splashing a half of glass of water on my Wife.
 
Do you think you have an anger problem?
 I think I do.  I used to have very calm emotions and they were infrequent.  Now sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night angry with no justification

Do you feel like you're surrounded by people who are less intelligent?
Although I do not agree 100% of this statement; I do many of the times feels that there are less intelligent or logical people around me.

Are you afraid to ask for help in addressing your behavior because:
you might lose your job? it will be too expensive? you might lose your family?
The truth is that no matter how minor the issue is with my assault charge; a guilty verdict would end up in resulting in not being able to see my children. Loss of money annually, as well as retirement benefits. Forceful Removal from the Army.

Although I can honestly claim unto this point I did not know that splashing water in someone face was assault. Ignorance of the law is not innocence.  However having known this information prior; I would have never did such a thing.

Have you ever followed your partner when he or she didn't want you to? 
She drove past me once on the street and I texted her a question.  She lied to me about where she was going.  I turned around to go see why she would lie about meeting a friend of mine.  They were simply talking outside ... at the time I did not know they had a relationship.  This is her current boyfriend.  I did not know they had a relationship till a month after the divorce.

Is it important to you that others, particularly your partner, agree with you?  
I think there are certain things in all relationship that are non nonnegotiable.

Have you been told by your partner or others that you are:
selfish?
Too much of my past life was spent on my patterns and habits.  I would too often choose the easy path instead of a more complicated one that might benefit the whole family.

mean?
All though sometimes she thought it funny she found it strange how I could be rude without trying.
 
controlling?
I  think a great deal of my day is spent thinking about how I can control my own environment.

critical?
I do not think I was ever verbally critical.  However she kept telling me that I would express critical non verbal communication towards her.  I do not know how to control nonverbal communication and whether it was intended or not ... it occurred and thus is a factor.
 
stubborn?
I believe this is a very strong trait in my character.  And not in a good way like someone who sticks to his guns and gets a job done.
 
manipulative?
I think this is a problem thru out my entire life and not just my relationship with my ex.  I set up certain borders and boundaries in my life so that I can have a greater manipulative control of what comes into those boundaries.  Some of this is out of fear of change and some of it is out of fear that if I let someone in that I will get hurt.

arrogant?
I am told that my non verbal communication reeks of arrogance.
 
Have you ever threatened or attempted to kill yourself or a partner?
I have attempted suicide twice. Once over the loss of my partner.  I never threatened her with it however.  I simply made her aware of certain things that would need to take place.  I do not believe that suicide should be used to manipulate others or made an a rash emotional way.

Do you know, in your heart-of-hearts, that you have been abusive to your partner, and you just don't know what to do about it or how to stop?
I don't know if I have a heart-of-hearts; but I think my 13 year relationship has been riddled with my being less than a good person or husband.  I think I have caused Melinda a lot of pain and emotional distress over the years.  I think I am selfish and that I evade conflict and arguments.  I prefer to let emotions die down and then often times do not revisit the issue.  I think for an emotional and very verbal extrovert being in a relationship with an Aspie is almost cruel.  I did not give her what she needed.  To be honest to this day I still don't know what she needs.  I used to believe that love was enough for a relationship to work.  I forced this idea on Melinda and because of us have wasted 11 years of both of our lives.  She would have been far better off not having a terrible husband like me and would have avoided so much emotional pain.