I have always felt the Monica and I ended with unanswered questions. I know now that these will never be answered and it does not matter how much or little I think of them ... nothing will change reality.
As I try to heal from my broken marriage I undoubtedly have questions for Melinda. One that sticks in my mind is:
When I first told you that Robert had just kicked me out of the gym ... was your first reaction to call him and support me or to support his decision.
I put all my dreams and goals on this one thing. Getting a promotion from BJJ Olympia and opening a gym under Robert Owens and attempting to gain wide spread acceptance for BJJ. I hope to have a huge kids program and one day see BJJ as a high school sport like soccer.
But as Robert removed me from my family he made two things very clear.
1) His conversations with my Wife had helped him with his decision to remove me from the gym.
2) Melinda had told him that I had child porn on my home computer and that I was concerned I was not going to receive an officially accepted black belt from the IBJJF.
I had 1 conversation with Robert for a total of less than 30 mins on the subject. At no point did he ask me about any of this. He asked me to think about it and we would talk tomorrow.
The next day I was late so he made a decision without me present and he sent it via email.
I never realized I could feel so much pain from a simple email. All my friends and Family at the gym gone. All my dreams hopes and ambitions gone. My friendship with Robert .... gone.
My marriage failed for a 100 and 1 things I did or did not do. But it also failed because of a thing she did or did not do. She did not support me or try to defend me.
FML
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
cycle of abuse
I have been given a lot to think about in the Domestic Violence
Evaluation. Honestly it has led to be doing more research than the time I
have spent with them; but if anything will ever improve ... I need to make it.
Are you jealous of your partner?
When I think of the last 14 years I am met with an over whelming yes. I always was amazed at how easy she could talk with people and now that she is out of my life I am jealous I don't have her anymore.
Do you consider yourself the ruler of your castle?
I think tradition has a part of it. I thought I had a household founded on trust and on faith but I realized it was mostly lies. I sought control and consistency but in reality I was forcing my disease on others.
Do you need to feel needed?
No. I think my ex is perfectly capable on her own.
Have you ever said "Don't make me angry!"?
Yes, not as a threat so much but as an aggressive verbal request. I am a different kind of abuser. I never hit never slapped, didn't call names ... but I withheld emotion.
Have you ever said something that your partner might consider a threat, even if you never really would do it or were just joking?
I made a quote from Star Trek once about death and dying while driving during an argument. I never liked arguing while driving because I thought it was dangerous ... so I created and forced everyone else to follow specific rules in the vehicle.
Do you consider it important that things go your way?
I think for the sake of structure I go too far at times and trying to get my way.
Have you ever found yourself smiling or laughing when your partner is hurt?
I have suffered from this all my life. Whenever I see too much emotion I try to avoid it by looking away, smiling or telling some sort of a joke.
Have you ever gone to jail for violent behavior you've committed because: overly sensitive people blew your behavior way out of proportion?
I was arrested for splashing a half of glass of water on my Wife.
Do you think you have an anger problem?
I think I do. I used to have very calm emotions and they were infrequent. Now sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night angry with no justification
Do you feel like you're surrounded by people who are less intelligent?
Although I do not agree 100% of this statement; I do many of the times feels that there are less intelligent or logical people around me.
Are you afraid to ask for help in addressing your behavior because:
you might lose your job? it will be too expensive? you might lose your family?
The truth is that no matter how minor the issue is with my assault charge; a guilty verdict would end up in resulting in not being able to see my children. Loss of money annually, as well as retirement benefits. Forceful Removal from the Army.
Although I can honestly claim unto this point I did not know that splashing water in someone face was assault. Ignorance of the law is not innocence. However having known this information prior; I would have never did such a thing.
Have you ever followed your partner when he or she didn't want you to?
She drove past me once on the street and I texted her a question. She lied to me about where she was going. I turned around to go see why she would lie about meeting a friend of mine. They were simply talking outside ... at the time I did not know they had a relationship. This is her current boyfriend. I did not know they had a relationship till a month after the divorce.
Is it important to you that others, particularly your partner, agree with you?
I think there are certain things in all relationship that are non nonnegotiable.
Have you been told by your partner or others that you are:
selfish?
Too much of my past life was spent on my patterns and habits. I would too often choose the easy path instead of a more complicated one that might benefit the whole family.
mean?
All though sometimes she thought it funny she found it strange how I could be rude without trying.
controlling?
I think a great deal of my day is spent thinking about how I can control my own environment.
critical?
I do not think I was ever verbally critical. However she kept telling me that I would express critical non verbal communication towards her. I do not know how to control nonverbal communication and whether it was intended or not ... it occurred and thus is a factor.
stubborn?
I believe this is a very strong trait in my character. And not in a good way like someone who sticks to his guns and gets a job done.
manipulative?
I think this is a problem thru out my entire life and not just my relationship with my ex. I set up certain borders and boundaries in my life so that I can have a greater manipulative control of what comes into those boundaries. Some of this is out of fear of change and some of it is out of fear that if I let someone in that I will get hurt.
arrogant?
I am told that my non verbal communication reeks of arrogance.
Have you ever threatened or attempted to kill yourself or a partner?
I have attempted suicide twice. Once over the loss of my partner. I never threatened her with it however. I simply made her aware of certain things that would need to take place. I do not believe that suicide should be used to manipulate others or made an a rash emotional way.
Do you know, in your heart-of-hearts, that you have been abusive to your partner, and you just don't know what to do about it or how to stop?
I don't know if I have a heart-of-hearts; but I think my 13 year relationship has been riddled with my being less than a good person or husband. I think I have caused Melinda a lot of pain and emotional distress over the years. I think I am selfish and that I evade conflict and arguments. I prefer to let emotions die down and then often times do not revisit the issue. I think for an emotional and very verbal extrovert being in a relationship with an Aspie is almost cruel. I did not give her what she needed. To be honest to this day I still don't know what she needs. I used to believe that love was enough for a relationship to work. I forced this idea on Melinda and because of us have wasted 11 years of both of our lives. She would have been far better off not having a terrible husband like me and would have avoided so much emotional pain.
Are you jealous of your partner?
When I think of the last 14 years I am met with an over whelming yes. I always was amazed at how easy she could talk with people and now that she is out of my life I am jealous I don't have her anymore.
Do you consider yourself the ruler of your castle?
I think tradition has a part of it. I thought I had a household founded on trust and on faith but I realized it was mostly lies. I sought control and consistency but in reality I was forcing my disease on others.
Do you need to feel needed?
No. I think my ex is perfectly capable on her own.
Have you ever said "Don't make me angry!"?
Yes, not as a threat so much but as an aggressive verbal request. I am a different kind of abuser. I never hit never slapped, didn't call names ... but I withheld emotion.
Have you ever said something that your partner might consider a threat, even if you never really would do it or were just joking?
I made a quote from Star Trek once about death and dying while driving during an argument. I never liked arguing while driving because I thought it was dangerous ... so I created and forced everyone else to follow specific rules in the vehicle.
Do you consider it important that things go your way?
I think for the sake of structure I go too far at times and trying to get my way.
Have you ever found yourself smiling or laughing when your partner is hurt?
I have suffered from this all my life. Whenever I see too much emotion I try to avoid it by looking away, smiling or telling some sort of a joke.
Have you ever gone to jail for violent behavior you've committed because: overly sensitive people blew your behavior way out of proportion?
I was arrested for splashing a half of glass of water on my Wife.
Do you think you have an anger problem?
I think I do. I used to have very calm emotions and they were infrequent. Now sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night angry with no justification
Do you feel like you're surrounded by people who are less intelligent?
Although I do not agree 100% of this statement; I do many of the times feels that there are less intelligent or logical people around me.
Are you afraid to ask for help in addressing your behavior because:
you might lose your job? it will be too expensive? you might lose your family?
The truth is that no matter how minor the issue is with my assault charge; a guilty verdict would end up in resulting in not being able to see my children. Loss of money annually, as well as retirement benefits. Forceful Removal from the Army.
Although I can honestly claim unto this point I did not know that splashing water in someone face was assault. Ignorance of the law is not innocence. However having known this information prior; I would have never did such a thing.
Have you ever followed your partner when he or she didn't want you to?
She drove past me once on the street and I texted her a question. She lied to me about where she was going. I turned around to go see why she would lie about meeting a friend of mine. They were simply talking outside ... at the time I did not know they had a relationship. This is her current boyfriend. I did not know they had a relationship till a month after the divorce.
Is it important to you that others, particularly your partner, agree with you?
I think there are certain things in all relationship that are non nonnegotiable.
Have you been told by your partner or others that you are:
selfish?
Too much of my past life was spent on my patterns and habits. I would too often choose the easy path instead of a more complicated one that might benefit the whole family.
mean?
All though sometimes she thought it funny she found it strange how I could be rude without trying.
controlling?
I think a great deal of my day is spent thinking about how I can control my own environment.
critical?
I do not think I was ever verbally critical. However she kept telling me that I would express critical non verbal communication towards her. I do not know how to control nonverbal communication and whether it was intended or not ... it occurred and thus is a factor.
stubborn?
I believe this is a very strong trait in my character. And not in a good way like someone who sticks to his guns and gets a job done.
manipulative?
I think this is a problem thru out my entire life and not just my relationship with my ex. I set up certain borders and boundaries in my life so that I can have a greater manipulative control of what comes into those boundaries. Some of this is out of fear of change and some of it is out of fear that if I let someone in that I will get hurt.
arrogant?
I am told that my non verbal communication reeks of arrogance.
Have you ever threatened or attempted to kill yourself or a partner?
I have attempted suicide twice. Once over the loss of my partner. I never threatened her with it however. I simply made her aware of certain things that would need to take place. I do not believe that suicide should be used to manipulate others or made an a rash emotional way.
Do you know, in your heart-of-hearts, that you have been abusive to your partner, and you just don't know what to do about it or how to stop?
I don't know if I have a heart-of-hearts; but I think my 13 year relationship has been riddled with my being less than a good person or husband. I think I have caused Melinda a lot of pain and emotional distress over the years. I think I am selfish and that I evade conflict and arguments. I prefer to let emotions die down and then often times do not revisit the issue. I think for an emotional and very verbal extrovert being in a relationship with an Aspie is almost cruel. I did not give her what she needed. To be honest to this day I still don't know what she needs. I used to believe that love was enough for a relationship to work. I forced this idea on Melinda and because of us have wasted 11 years of both of our lives. She would have been far better off not having a terrible husband like me and would have avoided so much emotional pain.
Friday, January 25, 2013
just a thought
I am not sure why I feel this, or even if this is a correct feeling. I
will need to invest much time into this but:
How is it that I am considered the creepy one or the strange one because I am not seeking sexual relationships with females?
Life was so much easier when I was married. Women never expected that I was hitting on them they just took a compliment. Women knew I was married and never hit on me. People didn't question agenda; I could simply be.
Now that I am divorced. I can not talk with women over 35 without them trying to make it into a relationship. If I talk with a woman under 25 I am a pervert and a pedophile.
The only thing that saves me is that I can talk with males no matter their age and no one accuses me of homosexuality.
It seems like it wasn't too long ago when I was getting teased because I chose to be in an intimate relationship with a girl but decided to hold off sex until marriage. Now it didn't work but I did marry her; however isn't it more strange that people judge me worse for not liking to make physical contact and not liking deep French kissing and by holding off sex in a relationship that if I simply were to have one night stands.
well I am almost late for work .. I will have to finish this thought later.
How is it that I am considered the creepy one or the strange one because I am not seeking sexual relationships with females?
Life was so much easier when I was married. Women never expected that I was hitting on them they just took a compliment. Women knew I was married and never hit on me. People didn't question agenda; I could simply be.
Now that I am divorced. I can not talk with women over 35 without them trying to make it into a relationship. If I talk with a woman under 25 I am a pervert and a pedophile.
The only thing that saves me is that I can talk with males no matter their age and no one accuses me of homosexuality.
It seems like it wasn't too long ago when I was getting teased because I chose to be in an intimate relationship with a girl but decided to hold off sex until marriage. Now it didn't work but I did marry her; however isn't it more strange that people judge me worse for not liking to make physical contact and not liking deep French kissing and by holding off sex in a relationship that if I simply were to have one night stands.
well I am almost late for work .. I will have to finish this thought later.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
So what nothing makes you embarassed?
I don't think I shall be telling people in the future about being aspie. They always have some dumb misconception and ask me about it. Also since I may be the only one I know evidently I think and speak for the entire population with this disease. I guess I know how the only black male feels at an all white school.
So someone asked me on a chat site what was one of the most embarrassing things that I have not admitted.
This is something I never directly discussed with my life. And all in all I think it had a huge affect on why that relationship did not succeed. As much as people keep telling me she was the perfect match to me .. there was one area we never got close to working on.
Aside from church and meals we never prayed together. I know she tells people all the time she will pray for them and I know that she prays by herself when alone but she was never a rigorously regulated prayer. I used to pray every morning. it was often to short and it was very un-personal. I could have done better and should have done better.
Now all the good and bad things that one might say about my previous relationship with Monica; we did pray together. We discussed theology alot. She had many different views from me but she was very curious into discussing it and how belief and faith play a larger role in the world we live in.
For me and Mindy is was much more bland. We never explored our religious side and that was in part a huge part my fault. I really think that had we invested more time on this I could have made faster progress. I don't know if it was just Monica's praying at night that lead us into it .. or if it was my praying in the morning that kept me from bringing it up with Mindy .. but Mindy and I rarely saw morning at the same time. Even to this day I wake up at 4 am and she is more like 7:25.
I used to think that marriage was something special something that God laid his hand upon. I think he looked the other way from my marriage. I regret never having the kids baptized.I regret almost everything about those kids. They deserved a much better father than Robert or I could provide.
And now they are in counseling. Because I have failed them.
I need to somehow get this train back on track. This is what I am ebarassed about.
So someone asked me on a chat site what was one of the most embarrassing things that I have not admitted.
This is something I never directly discussed with my life. And all in all I think it had a huge affect on why that relationship did not succeed. As much as people keep telling me she was the perfect match to me .. there was one area we never got close to working on.
Aside from church and meals we never prayed together. I know she tells people all the time she will pray for them and I know that she prays by herself when alone but she was never a rigorously regulated prayer. I used to pray every morning. it was often to short and it was very un-personal. I could have done better and should have done better.
Now all the good and bad things that one might say about my previous relationship with Monica; we did pray together. We discussed theology alot. She had many different views from me but she was very curious into discussing it and how belief and faith play a larger role in the world we live in.
For me and Mindy is was much more bland. We never explored our religious side and that was in part a huge part my fault. I really think that had we invested more time on this I could have made faster progress. I don't know if it was just Monica's praying at night that lead us into it .. or if it was my praying in the morning that kept me from bringing it up with Mindy .. but Mindy and I rarely saw morning at the same time. Even to this day I wake up at 4 am and she is more like 7:25.
I used to think that marriage was something special something that God laid his hand upon. I think he looked the other way from my marriage. I regret never having the kids baptized.I regret almost everything about those kids. They deserved a much better father than Robert or I could provide.
And now they are in counseling. Because I have failed them.
I need to somehow get this train back on track. This is what I am ebarassed about.
court
Went to court yesterday. It was a disaster. The judge said we are done here. So I went to leave and he would not let me.
I was not allowed to speak. I really do no get this whole family court thing.
My Ex cried saying she wishes I would get help. But what help do I need? The whole reason we are in court is because she refused to let me see the kids on Thanksgiving.
I just want to live my life free of the pain her and her BF have caused me.
This whole thing is shite.
I was not allowed to speak. I really do no get this whole family court thing.
My Ex cried saying she wishes I would get help. But what help do I need? The whole reason we are in court is because she refused to let me see the kids on Thanksgiving.
I just want to live my life free of the pain her and her BF have caused me.
This whole thing is shite.
Black Belt Test
So I failed my black belt test.
Or at least this is the lie I will tell people from now on. I trained for over 10 years for this day. I had known my friend and coach for over 6 years. I was getting in shape physically and despite problems in my life I would not let them deter me from my goal.
It was suppose to be a grand occasion. Me and two "friends" were suppose to be all promoted on the same day. But I did not foresee the test.
After all the technique and theory and procedure had been drilled. And after all the history and politics have been memorized what is left? There is a certain aspect of "martial arts" that needs to be retained and passed down.
In America I think we are very poor at this. Most people jump school seeing this simply as a service I pay for and not seeing the relationship between student and teacher as a bond.
To be a black belt you should at all times conduct oneself as a black belt. This does not mean you will have super human strength or even some superior guidance from upon high, but rather that you simply hold your self to a standard that most people do not aspire too.
This is where I failed. I learned so much of the Japanese culture from my past relationship with Masako. I loved her dearly but the mechanics of the relationship and the time in my life set us up for failure.
In Japan they have a saying that to being accused of a crime is almost as bad as to actually having ever committed that crime.
My crime; fraternization. I was talking to a Student online and via text. She was an adult however she was not 21 and I offered to provide her alcohol. I had arranged a time for us to meet. And those were my crimes.
It is very easy for people to speculate what could of or what would have happened. Its also even easier to expect that bad intentions when faced with the fact the the girl is amazingly gorgeous.
I do not deny that I did these things. And I understand the the line on which we hold ourselves is very slim. it is very easy for us to waiver and fall from ethical to non ethical behavior.
So where to I go from here? I am 40 now. My health will only get worse. I by all rights should have already had a gym by now and well on to be working on creating a team. But instead I am not. I have given up on Jiujitsu. I have given up on myself. I have not practiced for almost three months and it eats away at me inside every time I see or here or smell something regarding Jiujitsu.
A black belt test is not something you take after years of perfecting technique.
Rather it is something they teach you from day one about respect and honor that you practice every day. Your black belt test is something that you must struggle with and thru every day in the process. Being a Black Belt is the not the achievement at the end of the journey it is the process in which one endures thru on the journey to becoming a better person.
Or at least this is the lie I will tell people from now on. I trained for over 10 years for this day. I had known my friend and coach for over 6 years. I was getting in shape physically and despite problems in my life I would not let them deter me from my goal.
It was suppose to be a grand occasion. Me and two "friends" were suppose to be all promoted on the same day. But I did not foresee the test.
After all the technique and theory and procedure had been drilled. And after all the history and politics have been memorized what is left? There is a certain aspect of "martial arts" that needs to be retained and passed down.
In America I think we are very poor at this. Most people jump school seeing this simply as a service I pay for and not seeing the relationship between student and teacher as a bond.
To be a black belt you should at all times conduct oneself as a black belt. This does not mean you will have super human strength or even some superior guidance from upon high, but rather that you simply hold your self to a standard that most people do not aspire too.
This is where I failed. I learned so much of the Japanese culture from my past relationship with Masako. I loved her dearly but the mechanics of the relationship and the time in my life set us up for failure.
In Japan they have a saying that to being accused of a crime is almost as bad as to actually having ever committed that crime.
My crime; fraternization. I was talking to a Student online and via text. She was an adult however she was not 21 and I offered to provide her alcohol. I had arranged a time for us to meet. And those were my crimes.
It is very easy for people to speculate what could of or what would have happened. Its also even easier to expect that bad intentions when faced with the fact the the girl is amazingly gorgeous.
I do not deny that I did these things. And I understand the the line on which we hold ourselves is very slim. it is very easy for us to waiver and fall from ethical to non ethical behavior.
So where to I go from here? I am 40 now. My health will only get worse. I by all rights should have already had a gym by now and well on to be working on creating a team. But instead I am not. I have given up on Jiujitsu. I have given up on myself. I have not practiced for almost three months and it eats away at me inside every time I see or here or smell something regarding Jiujitsu.
A black belt test is not something you take after years of perfecting technique.
Rather it is something they teach you from day one about respect and honor that you practice every day. Your black belt test is something that you must struggle with and thru every day in the process. Being a Black Belt is the not the achievement at the end of the journey it is the process in which one endures thru on the journey to becoming a better person.
Monday, January 21, 2013
that's not the right question.
Im single again. Not by choice but by happenstance. I think it had less to do with me and more to do with Adrienne being incredibly busy ... but I am sure it had a bit to do with my depression.
She thinks I am depressed because of my divorce. Which is partly true .. but the divorce of Jiujitsu is what seriously ails me.
One of the last time we spent together. She said I want you to look into my eyes and tell me that you are not still in love with your X wife.
It's a very Neuro Typical type of statement. It's also a very feminine statement.
I am not sure what she gains by being able to to see my eyes. But when I look into her eye I see a gelatinous sphere comprised of several parts that interpret data and feed it to her brain. For being Aspie; I dont often have a terrible time looking into someone eyes when they are not emotional.
I told her "That is not the questions you should be asking."
She says "how so?"
I say .. "That question will lead you to heart ache and is also something that you already know. There is a more important question to ask."
she says .. well I am still asking, "Are you over Mindy?"
for which I had no option to reply but the truth; "No I am not."
She thought about this answer for 3 - 5 mins. The quietness was only interrupted as her heart trembled. I could see that she was being affected emotionally by this information. i knew that this was the end of the relationship.
We didn't talk for two days. I assume she was self hurting. Then she texted simply, "So what was the right question?"
I replied "Are you over Monica yet?"
She didn't reply to that.
The truth is after 19 years I still love Masako. After 17 years I still love Monica. And after 1 year I still love Mindy.
I really don't understand how or why my emotions work the way they do .. but I know it is simply best to feel them when they come up and then dismiss them quickly. I simply just assumed I would love thees people all my life.
Every Jan comes by and goes and I want to contact Monica and Say hello. I want to know that she is doing well and that I did not completely ruin her life. I know Masa is fine. She is strong she is independent; she reminds me of a different life I could have led.
And well Mindy. She is fine. She is finding herself and learning to love herself. She has everything she wanted out of life and is doing great. I need not worry for her; but still I miss her.
I assume that if I wait for my emotions to fade surrounding these three ladies before I date again I would wait toward the end of my life. I guess I just assumed that you keep on going and love people as our Lord loved us. Without constraints or expectations.
She thinks I am depressed because of my divorce. Which is partly true .. but the divorce of Jiujitsu is what seriously ails me.
One of the last time we spent together. She said I want you to look into my eyes and tell me that you are not still in love with your X wife.
It's a very Neuro Typical type of statement. It's also a very feminine statement.
I am not sure what she gains by being able to to see my eyes. But when I look into her eye I see a gelatinous sphere comprised of several parts that interpret data and feed it to her brain. For being Aspie; I dont often have a terrible time looking into someone eyes when they are not emotional.
I told her "That is not the questions you should be asking."
She says "how so?"
I say .. "That question will lead you to heart ache and is also something that you already know. There is a more important question to ask."
she says .. well I am still asking, "Are you over Mindy?"
for which I had no option to reply but the truth; "No I am not."
She thought about this answer for 3 - 5 mins. The quietness was only interrupted as her heart trembled. I could see that she was being affected emotionally by this information. i knew that this was the end of the relationship.
We didn't talk for two days. I assume she was self hurting. Then she texted simply, "So what was the right question?"
I replied "Are you over Monica yet?"
She didn't reply to that.
The truth is after 19 years I still love Masako. After 17 years I still love Monica. And after 1 year I still love Mindy.
I really don't understand how or why my emotions work the way they do .. but I know it is simply best to feel them when they come up and then dismiss them quickly. I simply just assumed I would love thees people all my life.
Every Jan comes by and goes and I want to contact Monica and Say hello. I want to know that she is doing well and that I did not completely ruin her life. I know Masa is fine. She is strong she is independent; she reminds me of a different life I could have led.
And well Mindy. She is fine. She is finding herself and learning to love herself. She has everything she wanted out of life and is doing great. I need not worry for her; but still I miss her.
I assume that if I wait for my emotions to fade surrounding these three ladies before I date again I would wait toward the end of my life. I guess I just assumed that you keep on going and love people as our Lord loved us. Without constraints or expectations.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
How do you say good bye?
I have been surfing the internet for jobs today. Its not that I don't have a good one but I am a federal employee .. so pretty much I can go anywhere there is an opening.
But I need to leave. I am so hurt from all that has happened, Every night I go home and get so close to the people who have hurt me the most. I am surrounded. My in laws .. Robert .. and Melinda near by.
I can not see my children and the way things are looking they may make it a year or longer till I can. I can afford an attorney. I cant afford my taxes. I have to make the decision on to keep my cell phone or get r id of cable.
So I sit in my cave dark. lighting candles to fume the memories away .. and I think. When I leave who .. who should I write letters too?
How do you write a 6 yr old and a 10 yr old good bye letters. They can see me when they are 18 but for now .. I have but one page to give them all the parenting and love I can muster which will last them the next 8 - 12 years.
How do you fill that space?
Its easy to tell them I love them. But how do I explain to Jake how to deal with kids at shool who tease you because your aspie? How do I tell Zac to take care of his mom and brother and to be strong? He is only 6.
Right now every god damn letter I type is pounding on this fucking keyboard. tears are rolling down my fucking face. My father was never there for me and now like a self full filling prophecy just like my ex called me upon ... now I am leaving my kids. Its for the better. Its so I dont kill my self.
But how do you give upon your kids.
I hate this place I am in. I wish the world would have ended in 2012.
But I need to leave. I am so hurt from all that has happened, Every night I go home and get so close to the people who have hurt me the most. I am surrounded. My in laws .. Robert .. and Melinda near by.
I can not see my children and the way things are looking they may make it a year or longer till I can. I can afford an attorney. I cant afford my taxes. I have to make the decision on to keep my cell phone or get r id of cable.
So I sit in my cave dark. lighting candles to fume the memories away .. and I think. When I leave who .. who should I write letters too?
How do you write a 6 yr old and a 10 yr old good bye letters. They can see me when they are 18 but for now .. I have but one page to give them all the parenting and love I can muster which will last them the next 8 - 12 years.
How do you fill that space?
Its easy to tell them I love them. But how do I explain to Jake how to deal with kids at shool who tease you because your aspie? How do I tell Zac to take care of his mom and brother and to be strong? He is only 6.
Right now every god damn letter I type is pounding on this fucking keyboard. tears are rolling down my fucking face. My father was never there for me and now like a self full filling prophecy just like my ex called me upon ... now I am leaving my kids. Its for the better. Its so I dont kill my self.
But how do you give upon your kids.
I hate this place I am in. I wish the world would have ended in 2012.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Till Death Do us Part
When I was young I was naive. I was going to be celibate and save the world and give my entire life to the poor. The more I saw of the world and families and children the more desire I had for a family. I made a choice to walk away from a life of service and choose what I thought was a meaningful goal.
When I was young I thought that marriage was a joining of the physical and the spiritual. I thought that a man and a woman stood before all their family and God and professed their love and commitment to each other. I believed the Lord would see this and bless this union and solidify it until death do us part.
As a husband I had a job. To love, to hold, to to honor, to obey for the entirety of my life.
But I failed to do my job, And my union was never blessed. It was created upon a lie and it just inflamed and necrose like a huge puss filled cyst.
Marriage I now understand is a device created by the State to allow to individuals who have made a contract towards similar goals to file joint taxes, to share health care, and to progress as long as the contract seems reasonable to both parties. At any time one is able to break the contract.
I have been wrong in so many ways thru my life. Society makes me sick. I still don't understand how I can have been fooled for so long.
When I was young I thought that marriage was a joining of the physical and the spiritual. I thought that a man and a woman stood before all their family and God and professed their love and commitment to each other. I believed the Lord would see this and bless this union and solidify it until death do us part.
As a husband I had a job. To love, to hold, to to honor, to obey for the entirety of my life.
But I failed to do my job, And my union was never blessed. It was created upon a lie and it just inflamed and necrose like a huge puss filled cyst.
Marriage I now understand is a device created by the State to allow to individuals who have made a contract towards similar goals to file joint taxes, to share health care, and to progress as long as the contract seems reasonable to both parties. At any time one is able to break the contract.
I have been wrong in so many ways thru my life. Society makes me sick. I still don't understand how I can have been fooled for so long.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Over Share
I am getting better at lying to people. I try to understand when people are sincere or when people are just attempting to express pleasantries.
Today people where chatting at the lunchroom table talking about the football games about their wages and about winning the lottery.
One of the girls at the table asked me what are the first three things I would do if I won the lottery (1 million dollars)
Some people talked about huge vacations or lavish purchases. Some talked about homes and educations. But I guess I am in a different place in life.
When asked what three things I would do I replied:
"Im not sure if there are three things but If I had to do three things I would divide the money in half and set up half for my children's college fund. And the second half I would give to my X Wife."
um .. but when you are are out of money how are you gonna afford do for a third thing?
"well my third thing is go off quietly find a place where no one could ever find me and silently kill myself on a cold winter morning"
it's true. it's from the heart. but it's not what normal people want to hear.
some kinda of smiled and played it off as a bad joke so I kinda smiled. But one of the girls knows I am completely truthful.
I am done. I had a great life. I enjoyed it and I enjoyed my family. I am not sad nor upset; occasionally I am angry. I don't want to do it to prove a point. I just want to not be.
There are very few things that keep me from going away. That is namely my child's fiscal welfare. But just because I go to work each day does not mean I am better. because I am not longer depressed doesn't mean I am fixed. it just means I have found an answer. its not longer a question of if. Its a questions of when. Its not a question of "I will show them" its more of I will make sure they are cared for and then leave.
But a lunchroom at work is prob not the best location to discuss such things.
Today people where chatting at the lunchroom table talking about the football games about their wages and about winning the lottery.
One of the girls at the table asked me what are the first three things I would do if I won the lottery (1 million dollars)
Some people talked about huge vacations or lavish purchases. Some talked about homes and educations. But I guess I am in a different place in life.
When asked what three things I would do I replied:
"Im not sure if there are three things but If I had to do three things I would divide the money in half and set up half for my children's college fund. And the second half I would give to my X Wife."
um .. but when you are are out of money how are you gonna afford do for a third thing?
"well my third thing is go off quietly find a place where no one could ever find me and silently kill myself on a cold winter morning"
it's true. it's from the heart. but it's not what normal people want to hear.
some kinda of smiled and played it off as a bad joke so I kinda smiled. But one of the girls knows I am completely truthful.
I am done. I had a great life. I enjoyed it and I enjoyed my family. I am not sad nor upset; occasionally I am angry. I don't want to do it to prove a point. I just want to not be.
There are very few things that keep me from going away. That is namely my child's fiscal welfare. But just because I go to work each day does not mean I am better. because I am not longer depressed doesn't mean I am fixed. it just means I have found an answer. its not longer a question of if. Its a questions of when. Its not a question of "I will show them" its more of I will make sure they are cared for and then leave.
But a lunchroom at work is prob not the best location to discuss such things.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Aspie Humor
So this is a story that happened several years back. I think how my
X wife tells it might be funnier or different. But it took me a long
time to understand what I did wrong.
One year prior to the Christmas Season my Wife and I where trying to stay in shape for the holidays and continue to loose weight. Now she in no imagination is a big girl. But she is 30 now and she is not as lean as when she was 18. She misses it and worries to much about this.
I gave her my view point. I said what ever she ate .. I would feed the children. If she skipped a meal then so would the kids. This kept her in the habit of eating healthy and eating real proportions and not just go pseudo anorexic.
She talked of gaining strength but not having alot of time to eat. I gave her some of the different flavor muscle milks I like and she liked the chocolate.
So Xmas is approaching and I was going out to buy gifts for her and the kids. Normally she buys everything but I buy 1 for each kid and stocking stuff for her. As I left she texted me to get her a case of slimfast.
I got all the gifts came home and they all where gone. I wrapped the boys stuff and placed in under the tree. I placed her gifts and put them in her stocking (oversized) and put it by the fireplace. And it tipped.
I placed it upright two or three times and to my dismay it kept falling. I felt this would not create the normal "holiday" picture of the stocking placed by the fireplace with care. I assessed the situation and determined that the box I have placed in the stocking (a 400$ bracelet) simply did not let the small stuff fall to the base. With out any base the structure did not stand. Easily solved.
I grabbed a solid items with weight that I bought at Costco and placed it in the base of the sock so that it would stand upright and filled it back up. I took a picture with my cell phone and texted it to my Wife s she could see what a good job I had performed!
Now fast forward 5 days later on Xmas morning .... and what did she find ..???
well she went thru each item with care making sure to say nice comments as a polite lady should ... but when she got to the base and pulled out a can of slimfast she started to cry.
She thought that I had given it to her as a slight or as an insult saying that I think she needs to loose weight. No matter how I explained it to her she would not accept. She then simply told every human soul she knew in order to get sympathy because evidently I didn't have any because I did not think I had done anything wrong.
When we got divorced 4 or 5 years later it was still a bone of contention for her. But for me it is just simply Aspie Humour.
One year prior to the Christmas Season my Wife and I where trying to stay in shape for the holidays and continue to loose weight. Now she in no imagination is a big girl. But she is 30 now and she is not as lean as when she was 18. She misses it and worries to much about this.
I gave her my view point. I said what ever she ate .. I would feed the children. If she skipped a meal then so would the kids. This kept her in the habit of eating healthy and eating real proportions and not just go pseudo anorexic.
She talked of gaining strength but not having alot of time to eat. I gave her some of the different flavor muscle milks I like and she liked the chocolate.
So Xmas is approaching and I was going out to buy gifts for her and the kids. Normally she buys everything but I buy 1 for each kid and stocking stuff for her. As I left she texted me to get her a case of slimfast.
I got all the gifts came home and they all where gone. I wrapped the boys stuff and placed in under the tree. I placed her gifts and put them in her stocking (oversized) and put it by the fireplace. And it tipped.
I placed it upright two or three times and to my dismay it kept falling. I felt this would not create the normal "holiday" picture of the stocking placed by the fireplace with care. I assessed the situation and determined that the box I have placed in the stocking (a 400$ bracelet) simply did not let the small stuff fall to the base. With out any base the structure did not stand. Easily solved.
I grabbed a solid items with weight that I bought at Costco and placed it in the base of the sock so that it would stand upright and filled it back up. I took a picture with my cell phone and texted it to my Wife s she could see what a good job I had performed!
Now fast forward 5 days later on Xmas morning .... and what did she find ..???
well she went thru each item with care making sure to say nice comments as a polite lady should ... but when she got to the base and pulled out a can of slimfast she started to cry.
She thought that I had given it to her as a slight or as an insult saying that I think she needs to loose weight. No matter how I explained it to her she would not accept. She then simply told every human soul she knew in order to get sympathy because evidently I didn't have any because I did not think I had done anything wrong.
When we got divorced 4 or 5 years later it was still a bone of contention for her. But for me it is just simply Aspie Humour.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
filled to the rim with brim
I woke up early today. Just about 2 hours nothing big. I woke up upset and could not recover. I went to work and I don't know why. I didn't break down; I wasn't rude ... but I could feel heat from my skin and I requested to go home early.
They acted like my request was ridiculous. I worked the whole shift, and I made it thru. But I think I am adopting a new strategy with my children restraining order.
It is so utterly sad to think but this restraining order against MS Crump might have been the best to me.
I got to work thru my issues and I have got to make sure that not only do I live them but I believe them. Anyone ... know matter your wife or not has the right to love and make love to as many people as they want to. Know matter what your friend has the right to begin and end relationships at any time.
It is too far ridiculous for me to be upset by such a trivial thing. I enjoyed my marriage. It was a good ten years or so. But I can not expect a NT to endure my nature. At it essence my nature tears down peoples optimism. It eats at their happiness and causes friction to what might otherwise be a happy relationship.
I should just give up. Except what I am. Move on. I think I might leave the state. Go so far away that these people will not longer be able to hurt me again. if I do not care about her .. She can not harm me. If I do not care about his friendship there can be no betrayal.
I can logically work thru the sequence I just need for my heart to follow. I am filled to the rim with this and and I do not desire for it to expressed to anyone. I want to dispose of it quietly and go back to what many might consider a normal life.
I almost has good news today! .. its the first paycheck that they did not take twice the amount of child support. I pay 988 a month. They were taking 988 twice a month. I was taking home about 750 -800 dollars every two weeks. The divorce left me with 20-30 thousand dollars in debt. My ER trip cost 2000. And then after the good new of getting a paycheck with massive overtime of over 700$$ ... I did my taxes and becasue I can not claim my kids or my house ... I owe 2000$. cant get a break.
I would welcome someone to walk into my house right now and shoot me in the head. But with my luck I would end up paralyzed and the ER would billed me another couple thousand dollars.
It shouldn't be that hard to find someone to hire to kill myself. I dont know why I am having problems. I just dont know the right people I guess.
I trick myself into believing that I am living for my kids. But in reality it is just me being selfish and not wanting to be like my dad. The kids are fine. They have everything they need. They have Melinda, Robert, Barb, and all of my ex friends. There is nothing they need from me.
They acted like my request was ridiculous. I worked the whole shift, and I made it thru. But I think I am adopting a new strategy with my children restraining order.
It is so utterly sad to think but this restraining order against MS Crump might have been the best to me.
I got to work thru my issues and I have got to make sure that not only do I live them but I believe them. Anyone ... know matter your wife or not has the right to love and make love to as many people as they want to. Know matter what your friend has the right to begin and end relationships at any time.
It is too far ridiculous for me to be upset by such a trivial thing. I enjoyed my marriage. It was a good ten years or so. But I can not expect a NT to endure my nature. At it essence my nature tears down peoples optimism. It eats at their happiness and causes friction to what might otherwise be a happy relationship.
I should just give up. Except what I am. Move on. I think I might leave the state. Go so far away that these people will not longer be able to hurt me again. if I do not care about her .. She can not harm me. If I do not care about his friendship there can be no betrayal.
I can logically work thru the sequence I just need for my heart to follow. I am filled to the rim with this and and I do not desire for it to expressed to anyone. I want to dispose of it quietly and go back to what many might consider a normal life.
I almost has good news today! .. its the first paycheck that they did not take twice the amount of child support. I pay 988 a month. They were taking 988 twice a month. I was taking home about 750 -800 dollars every two weeks. The divorce left me with 20-30 thousand dollars in debt. My ER trip cost 2000. And then after the good new of getting a paycheck with massive overtime of over 700$$ ... I did my taxes and becasue I can not claim my kids or my house ... I owe 2000$. cant get a break.
I would welcome someone to walk into my house right now and shoot me in the head. But with my luck I would end up paralyzed and the ER would billed me another couple thousand dollars.
It shouldn't be that hard to find someone to hire to kill myself. I dont know why I am having problems. I just dont know the right people I guess.
I trick myself into believing that I am living for my kids. But in reality it is just me being selfish and not wanting to be like my dad. The kids are fine. They have everything they need. They have Melinda, Robert, Barb, and all of my ex friends. There is nothing they need from me.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
8 weeks till the end.
Today was my first appointment with gov't assigned group who is going to evaluate me for domestic violence.
I am not sure if I was to honest; but I don't feel like lying is going to go anywhere.
The counselor told me that I have a history of abuse on my X wife and children.
This person is completely independent of anyone I know. She knows no details what I tell her; if she arrives at this conclusion I must put heavy weight upon it.
Certain things that I can recall in my past relationships were not without abuse.
I created certain rules that my house had to live by. I forced people to live with my rudeness and sarcasm. I knowingly married a woman I knew was overly emotional and over ten years starved her of the deep passionate love she would need to flourish.
I created rules like no talking after 9 pm. No talking when I am backing up in the vehicle.
I also made others prescribe to my views on Aural Rape. In Washington state Aural Rape is not a crime. There is no self defense for someone saying hate filled comments.
The choice I should have made at every instance my Ex said hateful comments was to ignore them and treat her back with kindness. To do anything less is not what God wants for us. To do anything less is pure selfishness because I choose my happiness over someone else.
At the root of my mental disability is a honesty and wit that cuts Neruo-Typicals deep. If I smell a bad smell I can not hide it. If I see something displeasing I can not hide. When someone says something that I can not agree with or is so logically flawed .. I can not ignore it.
I am critical by nature. I do not say things intentional that wound or that are sharp but it is not by words that we are judged it is by actions.
My actions in my marriage of 10+ years did not show love. My obsessions told her that I had other priorities.
On average I would spend:
49 hours a week sleeping
40 hours a week working
20 hours a week at BJJ
20 hours a week online
10 hours a week driving
7 hours a week eating
3 hours a week in the shower
and the rest was devoted to my wife and family.
8 weeks from now this physiologist will be done evaluating me. Im Aspie; depressed; suicidal, and obsessed. I can not see a favorable outcome with this judge. I do not know if I will ever see my children again.
This makes me sad.
I am not sure if I was to honest; but I don't feel like lying is going to go anywhere.
The counselor told me that I have a history of abuse on my X wife and children.
This person is completely independent of anyone I know. She knows no details what I tell her; if she arrives at this conclusion I must put heavy weight upon it.
Certain things that I can recall in my past relationships were not without abuse.
I created certain rules that my house had to live by. I forced people to live with my rudeness and sarcasm. I knowingly married a woman I knew was overly emotional and over ten years starved her of the deep passionate love she would need to flourish.
I created rules like no talking after 9 pm. No talking when I am backing up in the vehicle.
I also made others prescribe to my views on Aural Rape. In Washington state Aural Rape is not a crime. There is no self defense for someone saying hate filled comments.
The choice I should have made at every instance my Ex said hateful comments was to ignore them and treat her back with kindness. To do anything less is not what God wants for us. To do anything less is pure selfishness because I choose my happiness over someone else.
At the root of my mental disability is a honesty and wit that cuts Neruo-Typicals deep. If I smell a bad smell I can not hide it. If I see something displeasing I can not hide. When someone says something that I can not agree with or is so logically flawed .. I can not ignore it.
I am critical by nature. I do not say things intentional that wound or that are sharp but it is not by words that we are judged it is by actions.
My actions in my marriage of 10+ years did not show love. My obsessions told her that I had other priorities.
On average I would spend:
49 hours a week sleeping
40 hours a week working
20 hours a week at BJJ
20 hours a week online
10 hours a week driving
7 hours a week eating
3 hours a week in the shower
and the rest was devoted to my wife and family.
8 weeks from now this physiologist will be done evaluating me. Im Aspie; depressed; suicidal, and obsessed. I can not see a favorable outcome with this judge. I do not know if I will ever see my children again.
This makes me sad.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
DSM-5 AS DEF 299.80
American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) list:
Diagnostic
criteria for 299.80 Asperger's Disorder A.
Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of
the following:
(1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as
eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate
social interaction
(2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or
achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or
pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity B.
Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and
activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
(1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted
patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or
rituals
(3) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping
or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
(4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects C.
The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social,
occupational, or other important areas of functioning. D.
There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single
words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years). E.
There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the
development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than
in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood. F.
Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or
Schizophrenia.American
Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,
Fourth Edition, Text Revision.(c)
2000 American Psychiatric Association. http://www.psych.org/Enumeration
One of my many gifts, apart from sarcasm; is the ability to think about the same thing over and over and over and over and to be able to look at it in so many angles to think about how it was how it will be how it has come into play? ----- its like chess. How ever when something is not as simple as chess .... it take a lil over an hour to think about.
That is me. Since Thanksgiving. Thinking and thinking and rethinking. Waking up at 2 am . .. es today .. and then typing out your thoughts and holy hell the alarm went off and now its 5 am!!! for three hours I have worked on it.
Theese are my questions for the plaintiff when I go to court.
___________________
now i did not write out the answers. because for each questions she has several way in which to answer.
Well after looking at this list ... I guess it is understandable why it keeps running through my head. It is quite a bit of calculations!
That is me. Since Thanksgiving. Thinking and thinking and rethinking. Waking up at 2 am . .. es today .. and then typing out your thoughts and holy hell the alarm went off and now its 5 am!!! for three hours I have worked on it.
Theese are my questions for the plaintiff when I go to court.
1) establishing AS
When you and the respondent were dating early on in your
relation ship do you remember the first time you and your family ate at
"The Olive Garden?" And Did
the respondent receive clean eating utensils?
How did the respondent ask for a new eating utensil? Did you find this strange? Did you find this embarrassing? Was the respondent ever embarrassed about
this?
At a Family camping trip did the respondent make a comment
"Its not like kids get cancer." to a relative to yours? And did her daughter have cancer? Did you find that situation to be a little
awkward or embarrassing?
Can you name any other instances in the last 13 years where
you were embarrassed by an action of the respondent that he failed to perceive?
Have you ever had conversation with the respondent about the
topic of body language and how the body language that he uses could be
misconstrued by others? Have you ever
had the same conversation with you oldest child?
have you ever had to ask your spouse to make eye contact
with you when you discuss things? Have
you ever had important conversations with your spouse in a dark room? Texting?
While he was pre occupied with something else and multitasking?
Sexually?
Have you ever known other persons or yourself to make slight
jokes about the respondent about certain
words or sentences he repeats or says often?
In your history does the respondent express his emotions
well? Does he talk often with you and
openly about them?
Have you ever experienced a time when the
respondent showed a lack of awareness of what is socially appropriate to
talk about at certain times in public?
Did the respondent have al ot of friends? Did he go out often with his friends? Did he ever play poker on a Friday night?
How often when in a large group of people was the respondent
the center of attention? Has anyone ever
made a comment about how he acts during family holidays by isolating himself in
a chair and not talking with his family? How about falling asleep in public?
Does the respondent argue about literal meaning s of words
and often times get derailed during a discussion?
Would you characterize the respondent as having major
obsessions with Video Gaming, Brazilian Jiujutsu, The internet and other things
in his life?
In the past was it usually the respondent who made plans or
was it you?
Had he ever expressed a fondness for lists? Or show
difficulties in organizational skills?
At the end of your relationship who was paying the bills and controlling
most of the financial distribution in your relationship?
Does the respondent have an external hard drive on his
computer? Does it contain days worth of
Brazilian Jiujutsu Videos and techniques?
Have you ever noticed the respondent as having an obsessive interest in
that specific topic?
Does the respondent have a phobia? Have you ever known him to have an panic
attack? Depression? Social Isolation?
Have you ever written out his signature to sing a school
form or something for the kids? How does
his signature look? What does his penmanship
look like? Does he use a trackball mouse
on his computer?
2) establishing the Plaintiff lack of education regarding Psychology
Upon your separation between you and the respondent did you
get a tattoo? And what does it
read? And what does that mean in English? Why did you get it? Do you feel that you try to tell the truth
and in general are an honest person?
Does the respondent tell the truth or try to be an honest
person? 4 the record .. I do not.
Did you graduate College? Where did you go to school? What level of degree did you receive? Do you have a master in Psychology? How many courses in Psychology did you take
in getting your degree?
Do you remember the last time you watched "Dexter"
with the respondent? Who is Dexter? What
does he do? Does he have a mental condition? What did you tell the respondent during that
show the last time you watched Dexter regarding your ability to understand your
X husbands motives and drives?
Do you have a son named Jacob? How old is he? At what age did he learn the word
pedophile? How many people have you told
in your life approximately that the respondent is a pedophile?
Would is surprise you to find out that the respondent shows 18 of the 21 signs of AS? as described
by the American Psychiatric Association as Published in the Diagnostic and
Statistics manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) as published in 200
Would it surprise you to find that in the investigation of
the numerous Drs and Therapists that have spent hundreds of hours with the respondent
have found no cause for declaring him,
1) A sociopath 2) A pedophile 3) Currently a harm to himself?
3) Petition for order of protection
have you ever known the respondent to drive about the speed
limit? Have you ever received a speeding
ticket? Has your mother ever received a
speeding ticket? Would you consider
yourself and your mother good parents?
Has the respondent ever drew attention to the fact that he
had trouble backing up or making complex manipulation of the vehicles when there was alot of commotion
going on? Has your father ever asked you
to be quiet in a vehicle when he was trying to move it? Is he a good parent?
Have you ever noticed the respondent making California
stops? Have you ever seen him make a
turn against a light on a one way street?
How many times would you guess that the respondent has
watched the movie Star Wars? how about Star Trek? What is a Knlingon? Does the respondent have a picture of Yoda in
a frame hanging in the house? Has the respondent
ever quoted Yoda?
Would it surprise you that "Then today is a good day to
die!" is an old Klingon saying? Is
it possible that the respondent said Today is a Good Day to die" instead
of "I guess its just not our day to die then"? RE:
What was the sentence he said 2 mins prior to saying that
Did you write on the Petition for order of protection that
"During the incident on 11-19-12 I was afraid "
Who is Jose? What
does he do? Have you ever invited him in
your house to remove a rodent? What was
that rodent? What did he do? Did you have to go next door and get your gay
neighbor to remove that resident?
After being splashed with water on 11-19-12 what did you
do? RE: Is running towards something usually
considered a normal reaction to fear?
Have you ever seen a person run towards a burning house or get so afraid
of bees that they run towards the nest?
Did you write on the Petition for order of protection that
"During the incident on 11-19-12 I asked him to multiple time to
leave?" Did you use the term
"get out of my house?" Does
the respondent dispute the ownership of the house currently and has he made it
known he wishes to pursue a legal resolution over that matter? If you know that the respondent routinely argues
the point over minutia and incorrect facts would it have surprised you that
when you told the respondent to "Get out of My Home" that he stopped
and tried to argue the point of ownership over the home?
Did you provide copies of texts to the Police? Did you give copies of the Facebook pages to
the police?
Where do you work? Do
you have a receptionist? What is her
name? Who is she dating? Did you tell the respondent you were getting privileged
information off of his Facebook account because it was being shared with you
while at work? Where you actually
getting those documents from your fiancee?
Have you ever provided copies of those texts to the respondent? Did you ever text the respondent "I was
hoping we could still be friends for the sake of the children? How many of your friends do you collect
evidence on? How did you collect
evidence on your X husband before you filed the divorce paperwork?
on 11 14 12 Did the respondent send a text to you? What did it read? "you really want me to be with them when
I am filled with so much disgust for you?"
what happened on 11 15 12 RE: 10 yr old patient with Guillain-Barre syndrome Pt was trached
and G tubed.
---- With the current parenting plan I have less
that 365 days with my children before Jake turns 18.
you claimed that I texted your boyfriend and said negative
comments about you? When you took the
parenting class that is supposed to be taken prior to getting a divorce what
did they recommend regarding how long to date a person before introducing them
to your kids?
On 11 19 12 did I take the children out of the daycare? Did the plaintiff tell the respondent too? Did you believe at that time that the
children were not at the daycare? did
that alarm you?
Do you have a blog?
And what is the picture on that blog?
Is this a copy of that picture?
Do you have the picture saved as a JPG format? Is the picture you have
on your blog the original? Where is the
original? When did you get that picture
taken and and what where the circumstances of it being taken?
Is the respondent a good parent?
Did you grandmother die recently? Did it make you mother Sad? Did it make you sad? How did the respondent act to you when your grandmother
died? When did you mother stop being a
good parent during her sadness? is it
possible to be a good parent even tho you are sad?
Who is Glenda? Does
she have any children? When was the last
time Glenda watched your kids?
Has one of your children ever slipped and fell on a three
day old corn dog? Has one of your
children ever been taken to COSTCO and let be watched and taken care of by a 12
yr old; while Glenda went shopping.
Would you say the Tyrone is a smart boy?
Would you routinely let him watch your son? What happened to the two boys while at
costco?
have you ever given your children melatonin so they would go
to sleep faster so you could party with your friends and get drunk?
How many times in the past 13 years have you called the
police? How many times have you ever
been a member of a law suit or trial?
Did you ever call the police for breaking and entering at
your premises?
Did you ever call the police for a peeping tom?
Did you ever get any money in the law suit from your
previous employer?
have you ever smoked pot while the children are in the same
building as you? have you ever gotten
drunk while the children are in the same
building as you?
Has the Respondent ever lied to the police? Has the police ever come to your residence
and ask him about a white Volvo that was reportedly driving recklessly swerving
in and out of lanes?
Did you husband say the Volvo was not taken out all
night? Did the police put his hand on
the vehicle to feel the engine was warm?
What did the respondent tell the police about the heat of the engine? Did he tell the police it was warm because
that where the cats like to sleep? Was
this a lie? Where were you during all of
this?
Have you ever been arrested for breaking and entering? Have you ever broken into a place? Who is Nathan Connolly? Did you tell the respondent you broke into
his place of residence and stole a personal item of his? Did you take the respondent DNA from his
place of residence? Did you send it in
to get verification of the parentage of Zachary? Did you tell the respondent that he was the
birth father of Zachary? Did you provide
the respondent copies of that information?
Did you provide him with the name of the company? So all he has to take is your word ... and as
we discussed earlier it is written on your wrist that you tell the truth.
Does the respondent think you are a good parent? RE:
For the record yes I do think she is a good parent
Do you have an older son named Jake? Does he have AS? Is he sometimes great to be around and can
really brighten up your day? Do you love
him? Has he ever made you upset? Do you love him? Would you say that because of the time you
have spent with Jake as his mother he has learned enough about you to either press your buttons to make you feel
happy or press you buttons to get you irritated?
Who is Dennis Reese?
Was he a good father? Does the respondent
have unresolved issues regarding his father?
What is aural rape?
Under the Washington state municipal code Aural rape is not a crime
correct? In Washington you can not claim
self defense against someone's words correct?
Is it possible you were stressed because you believed me to
have taken the kids from daycare with out permission? That you were upset because of comments I
have made about your ethical choices?
Was it possible the respondent was upset?
Is it possible that the plaintiff was trying to press his button
to evoke an emotional response?
What does the prowess of your sexual relationship with the
plaintiff's fiancée have to do with the parenting plan?
What did you say that made me so upset I splashed water?
RE: ..... My mother likes him better, and they get
along great!
___________________
now i did not write out the answers. because for each questions she has several way in which to answer.
Well after looking at this list ... I guess it is understandable why it keeps running through my head. It is quite a bit of calculations!
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