I just want a break

Sometimes I feel I have the worse luck.  With all that has happned over the last two years I thought I had finally seen the light.  Many of the terrible dreams I have about missing my children are gone and most of my treatment is completed.

I really want to put this past me and start on with my life.

I found out yesterday I was yet again accused of stalking my Ex Wife.  Evidently I went to a parade with 10,000 others and alhought i was there since 9 am when she say me later on in the after noon somehow I was following her.

I just dont get it.  How am I suppose to know exatly where my X wife goes so I can avoid it?

When I found out that the children were not allowed to see their grandparents becasue of this I felt a huge lump in my gut.

I just want a break.

Still alive

I am still alive, Nothing witty or worth mentioning to say. I started this blog as a way to get thru depression and divorce, but since I have had a GF I find that I am less depressed. I am still divorced.

I would like to say that thing are getting better ...

I miss my kids. I hear they are alive from people. I hear their lives are completly different with all new people and all new perspectives. I hear they are happy without their father.

I am still not certain if they need their biological father.

I wonder if my desire for them is purely selfish.


I guess one day I may blog again. When I have something worthwhile to say that is not dismal and boring.

What she doesn't know

I have kind of shied away from posting lately.  Not because all is better but rather all is worse.

I have court in family court.  Mrs Owens has decided to add another year to her protection order.  That will make it 2.5 years without my kids.

I got home early on Friday.  Everything was ok.  But maybe 3 days by myself thinking is too much.  I say a video on youtube of a cute kid doing silly stuff and falling over.  It reminds me of my own.  I only own maybe 10 - 20 mins worth of video on my boys  total.

But I watch it every week.  I know she has no idea how much she is hurting me.  I am unsure of what she is afraid of.  I just want to see my kids again and be a part of their lives.

In court she states that she was worried that I might commit suicide.  I was medically cleared of that in February of 2013.  Now I am just sad.  I just miss my kids.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  I don't want to argue or even talk with anyone.  I just want to see my kids again.

I have no idea what they will think when (and if) I see the again.

I am sitting at home.  Alone.  There is no one for me to tell this to.  I hurt.  I miss my children.  Dearly.

Mrs. Owens was once my best friend in the entire world.  Its amazing how low she has went to keep me from our children.

maybe Ill be better tomorrow.  Maybe ill see them next year.  Who knows.  I am gonna go take a walk.

terrible terrible dreams

I don't have work and today is my day off.  But I still find myself up before 430 am.  I woke this morning sick to my stomach because I knew it was him and I knew what he did.

With in moments I realized it had all been a dream; but it amazes me.  To think that that brief moment between sleep and wake that 60 seconds you cant tell what is reality and what was dream.  And for that brief moment I felt so many negative emotions. Fear, Grief, Disbelief, hatred,  sorrow, and loss.  I was so worried about what my kids would do ... but let me back up and tell the terrible terrible dream.

It was the day after Christmas and me and my GF were at the Sushi place near the Jujitsu gym.  I like this place but I also know that Robert frequents this place so I do ever go there.  I am trying to do my best and not run into my X wife for an entire year. .... This much is all true and indeed did happen last night.

In my dream we met and old friend of mine Scott.  I should have known it was a dream because Scott looked younger and healthier and strong.  Like when I met him the first time over 15 years ago. He was a long time friend.  He asked me if I was training BJJ any more. I told him no.  He said that the gym was closed all week and no one would be there and if I wanted to come and train with him and Jeff and a few people I could.

At that moment I don't know what to describe what I felt.  For so long have I felt anguish about not being able to see my old friends.  I was ostracized from that gym and was told not to communicate with anyone at that gym.   And now in a purely genuine act of Xmas kindness they had welcomed me back for just one day.

I love Jiujitsu. I miss it.  My body misses it.  It is where anatomy and chess meet.  And I did my best and I did a class. and sweated, and hurt, and tapped, and almost had so much fun I got sick to my stomach.  And no one seemed to care that I had a GPS bracelet around my ankle.  The gym seemed different too.  There where different changing rooms and things looked well kept and clean. I attributed this to Mindy's business practices.

After class I took of my wet sweaty Gi and went to go change.  I was wearing my pants and forgot my water in the workout area.  I went to go get it and on my way back to the changing room a white Volvo pulled up.

My heart leaped.

My Ex wife drives a white Volvo and she has a restraining order against me.  So in fear I ran to the changing room and grabbed my T shirt and ran to my truck.  I could not find my gi bag but it was no time to look for it. 

I was in my truck when wiping the sweat off from my brow and cleaning up after class.  I was putting on deodorant when Robert came up to my truck.

He walked up to my truck quietly and I did not see him. And Opened my drivers side door and I felt trapped.  "What are you doing?" he asked.

I explained that I did a class at the gym, even tho I knew he had kick me out for life. 

"please tell me exactly what happened."

at this time, I could not betray Scott or Jeff or any of my friends in the gym.  If I told Robert that they let me in the gym to roll with them he might get upset at them.  I took the blame.

"well that ok did you enjoy it?"

I felt relieved. "For so long have I felt that something was missing from my life.  You told me once that as you approach black belt that the ledge we walk on get smaller and smaller. And that people judge us much more severe than a white or a blue belt.  I had honestly tried to give up BJJ.  But I hurt.  Without it I do not feel complete and that I am just floating like a ghost thru life.  I don't care or find pleasure in anything anymore."

He looked at me like he used like he agreed.  He said "Indeed it is something that strengthens the soul and body. ..... But what about the hammer?" he asked?

I looked at him confused. "What hammer?"

He said that the people in the gym said after class you were walking around with a hammer.

"no, nope, that sounds weird.  I had no reason for anything."

"very well, Mindy is here so you better leave." .. and I felt relived.  I felt like even tho we had problems in our past he was going to cover for me and not tell his wife I had been exercising at the gym.

When I go home to the APT my GF was still there and I showered and we were talking about nothingness.  And as the news played they said that a female was killed with a hammer at BJJ Olympia today.

And my heart dropped..  I was not worried for myslef.  I was horrified for the kids. 

Maybe I watch to much CSI and Law and Order.  But this combined with my sleep apnea i awoke gasping for air so utterly scared and sick.  That I surmised that he had stolen my bag; and killed someone; and had my DNA .... and my mind spun and spun as I laid in bed thinking of all that is to come.

Who is going to take care of them.  Will they let my protection order drop.  If they are already in mental health treatment for being away from their father what will happen to them now.  What has been told to them. Will they ever know the truth.  Are the police coming for me right now?  Will they believe me? What will be the long term effect on the boys and will they get sad each Xmas like I do?

and as I sat in bed slowly realizing it had all been a dream and finally able to take breathes, the dream started to fade. It sickens me for that brief moment I thought I had lost my Ex wife.  For so long she was my best friend and meant the world to me.  Even if she is not mine I could not stand to loose here like that.  And the kids.  Oh; my poor kids.

And all is ok now.  It was just a dream.  But I still have the salt in the corner of my eyes. And I don't want to clean it out.  Because the crying is what I think I will use to purify my soul from all this terrible terrible life that has been forced upon my this past year.

I am trying so hard to abide by all the rules. I am trying so hard to stay as far from my Ex as possible.  I am getting close.  And one day this will all be behind me.  But I had a dream like this once.  And I told my therapist.  She wrote down that the patients has dreams of killing his X wife.  And now I wear a GPS.  Because in my mind if I have a dream of my Ex wife dying (a death scene I never even witnessed) and I dream about the repercussion; This is a dream about death.  To me this is a dream about the fear I have for my children growing up.  Not knowing if they are kept well.  Not knowing how they are doing in school or socially, or physically.  Are they exercising?  Are they eating write?  Is Jake being teased at school?  Is Robert continuously harassing Jake every morning by saying Wakey wakey where is Jakey?  Because he hates it but doesn't want to tell anyone.

I just want what is best for the boys.  And being a part from them is ten times worse than not being in Jiujitsu.

The terrible terrible dream is not what happened last hour.  It is all the time I spend awake for the last year.

Better than ever

I walk around work like a  zombie.  I am exhausted and careless.  I have no wish to be there, and no desire to leave.  I walk thru life because I am forced. 

I quote Mrs Owen's last text "The boys are do better than ever..." as she tells Nana that the kids will not be able to see her.  That Nana can not see her grandchildren .. and the the kids are sooo great and are just golly  ... better than ever.

Last week I receiver mail from my health insurance company; group health.  Luckily I guess; Jake my eldest has been approved for up to 18 visits with a child psychiatrist because of depression, anger and trouble with dealing with all of this.

I hate myself for causing the divorce.  I hate myself for my children's mental anguish.  I dislike that Mrs. Owens will not let me see my kids.  I am plagues with dreams at night and lie awake all night worried about my boys.  I have happy dreams and lay missing them.  I have terrible dreams and wake up in tears.

I wish they were better than ever.  I wish their mother knew the pain she was causing keeping the kids from their Nana and their father.

But thats ok .. Mr. Owens rights in his facebook posts about how well his family and how much he loves them.  I guess when you have a step dad you no longer need a father or grandparents.

I just want the dreams to stop.  I want the torture to stop. 

Why

I got a new phone.  I am not sure why I added this app but it seems to be the only way to express my feelings.

I don't speak honestly to my GF. I am looking for a wallpaper for my phone and as I go thru the pics of my boys that pain hits me hard.

I took a PHA with the Army this month and checked all the boxes that I needed help and was miserable and sad.

I have met with both my therapists this week and not one of them could tell how depressed I am.

I think and wish for death everyday but I don't get to take my own life because if I do my kids will never get to see their Nana again.

So I guess I continue to write and rewrite my goodbye letters to the people in my life who matters but never do anything about it.

But so I got this app for my phone.  I hope I write something of worth one day. 

How to stop your wife from cheating on you.

I am sure if I knew what I know now 8 years ago I would have acted back then much differently.

When I was married; I found out that my wife had cheated on me by sneaking on her cell phone and checking her texts.  Not only does this show a lack of trust it also demonstrates a complete lack of personal privacy that every is entitled. 

Checking email, logging on and reading her facebook, and searching her texts are all methods that I used in order to "stop" my ex wife from cheating on me.  It did not work.  It stopped her for a time; well with that ranger at least.  But what I needed was a sure fire method ... something so crazy it just might work.

In short .. the way to stop your wife from cheating on you is twofold.  One choose a good woman with strong moral standards with whom you feel you can live the rest of your life.  And two and much more importantly;  live each day as if it was your last with her.

Don't take her for granted.  Don't skip on spending time with her because you believe that you will have plenty of time.  Make each day a mission to show her how you feel and to not let her question at anytime your feelings for her.

My life didn't cheat on me because she needed sex.  She didn't cheat on me for money, or for drugs or for any other reason save one.

My actions or in-actions made her cheat.  I am responsible for 99% of the indiscretion.  At that time of my life I was spending all day everyday at the gym.  I was playing video games whenever I was not at the gym.  I was focused on my son, I was focused on t he Army reserves ... I was focused on 100 other items but her.

For some time I think I blamed our divorce on my Aspie nature.  No one wants to be married to someone who is anti social.  I am contradictory, argumentative, passive ...I enjoy too much alone time.  I want structure and routine in my life.  I make social errors daily and speak at all times with a sarcastic tone.  I have no friends and and not capable of normal relationships.

But despite all these things .. she still loved my at one point.  it wasn't all my flaws that turned her away.  It was my actions.  I chose other things instead of her.  I chose the divorce.

Now I can not say with any certainty that had I known these things 8 years ago that I would have done anything different; but at least I can see what was the downfall in my relationship.  And I can see why she was attracted to Robert.  He is a good listener.  He is patient.

What is domestic violence?

At the half way point in treatment we are given an assignment.  So today; for some reason I am not sure I was asked to read mine aloud to the rest of the therapy class.  I will provide a copy.

Before that I will add; I never tried to be the terrible person I am.  I am not sure why I have such strong structures and rituals that surrounds my life.  ( I have a lit candle as I type)  But if I could have somehow known how my unwavering mannerisms would have and could have damaged my Ex wife; I would have never had proposed.  She should have never had to live with me.  She should have never had to put up with my inability to speak civilly and my constant antagonistic tones.

I did a lot of damage.  I am very sorry for that.  It was not intentional; however as I am learning ... intentions mean absolutely nothing.

DP1)  what is Domestic Violence? …

Domestic Violence is aggressive or unjust exertion of force (emotional, physical, or otherwise) that creates fear of life or safety for a loved one or someone in the home.  Domestic Abuse is similar to Domestic Violence except that it normally represents a pattern, or trend in behavior that intimidates a partner or loved one.  The effects that domestic violence can have on communities is economic, legal, and cultural.  The monitory cost of domestic violence is high; from police pay, to cost of courts, and jails too the cost for battered women and family shelters can cripple an already burdened economy.  In the already full court system the amount of cases continues to rise.  The chances of a domestic violence offender who is left untreated to go on and commit larger crimes is high.  The cultural effects are even more devastating than the others.  The perpetuated belief that females are somehow measured based on their ability to please a male are extremely antiquated.  Holding these views are harmful to women who come in contact as well as the children raised in this environment.  Culturally; a society that dismisses domestic violence (Kanye West) or worse promotes is (Jerry Springer) will raise a generation of children with poor values and weak standards and expectations for the female half of society.  

Domestic Violence can be seen often times in the initial contact in a relationship.  A relationship based upon stereo typical roles or prehistoric man – woman concepts can be evident in many online profiles.  In an era of electronics and computers it is more important for a female to search out and explore her perspective mate.  A male who professes traditional values and wants a woman to stay home to raise the kids will probably not see a relationship and two equals working together for a joint endeavor.   

DP2)  there are many behaviors that constitute domestic violence. They can be as subtle as walking away during important conversations or even changing the conversation to avoid certain topics or they can be as obvious as verbally abusing them in public or physical abuse. The behaviors in relationship history lists about 40 ways to abuse a spouse.  I am certain there are more.

I believe that Domestic Abuse is a pattern; however I do believe that Domestic Violence can be a one-time thing.  I personally am not in that minority.  I believe that throwing objects, punching walls, and damaging property although not physically harmful to the individual can do mental harm and is domestically violent.   

The goal of violent behavior is to try to change it prior to it happening by changing thought processes and hopefully by letting the batterer see what the effect to that violence are so that he can change his actions.  Controlling behavior are the less obvious ways that domestic violence presents itself.  By controlling a person you are illustrating to them that you are not equals and are placing them in an unequal footing.

DP3) Domestic Violence has several consequences that effect both parties as well as bystanders and other family members.  It can harm the victim physically but more importantly it has many effects psychologically. It causes victims to lose confidence, feel hopeless, and many times fear for their safety or life.  This can lead to depression, suicide, or other mental diseases.   To the children that witness this; it can be seen in evident symptoms of sadness, fear, hopelessness; but it can also produce long term affects and possibly aid in that child to grow up and to become an abuser.  The effects it causes on the perpetrator can be many different things.  For someone who does not know what they are doing they may mis-perceive their controlling habits and end up losing the most important person in their life.  In an individual who knows what they are doing and continues to do so it can lead them down a pathway of crime and most likely prison time and unhappiness. 

DP4)  Domestic Violence is usually created by one conflicting views on justice, morality, values, and reality.  If one believes that a family she behave in one way and then the reality presents itself in a different light the abuser would seek to gain control in order to force it to fit his mold.  Domestic Violence is more than out of control behavior.  It is often long term thought about beliefs and patterns.  It can represent itself in normal daily interactions but often times can be represented in more intimate moments.  Certain things like controlling or abusive behaviors in bed.  Expecting for intimacy to be all about a female pleasing a man.  Ridicule or Criticizing a belief or act.  Withholding love and affection in order to persuade another party.  

DP5)  Minimizing:  To make an act seem less important or less critical.  Denial: To deny a truth or to omit a truth in order to not face the repercussions.     Both minimizing and denial can often be seen in individuals who get caught abusing a loved one.  It is often times hard to face the repercussion of breaking the law.  It can even be harder facing them when you break a trust.  Denial and Minimizing are tools used to evade responsibility.  Accountability is the acceptation of ones responsibilities; no matter good or bad.  It is easy at work to accept praise for doing a thing well.  However it is harder to face family friends and colleagues when you have broken the law.  People evade accountability for negative actions because it is an easier path than accepting responsibility and admitting one’s own wrongness and sinfulness.  

....

It is hard for me to be comfortable with my own sinful nature.  I am upset with myself daily.  I have thought long and hard on ways to improve but I have also thought long and hard on ways to simply give up.  At this point I see know way for me to stop being who I am.  And I am indeed flawed.  I can just make sure that I keep my flawed self to myself and away from my Ex, my kids, and any other female that I may want to be in a relationship.  Some people should just be single.

Truth, Justic, and the American way.

Today I underwent number 3 of 4 polygraphs ordered by my domestic violence treatment "therapist".  I am not sure what to think about the "science" behind these tests. The first one I thought I did great.  But it turned out inconclusive.  the second one I was worried but it turned out negative.  Last night I took a test and it came back positive and told me I was lying.

One of the least things I like in this world is being told I am something I am not.  To go up and talk about the worst characteristics about yourself for 3 hours and then to take a test that you know will be share with a dozen or more people is a humbling experience.

But what is worse is when I try to do a good job; when I tell the truth and I am return told that it is a lie.

I am honestly working and trying to become a better person with this domestic violence treatment.  I am going along with the sexual addiction treatment and have tried to make positive changes in my life on how I see other people.  I complied time and time again with the treatment regulation regarding my history of depression and suicidal ideation. 

And now when I am trying to leave my past behind me they are accusing me of stalking my ex wife.  There proof????? .. I had received mail to her on some bills to my address and I had returned them to her via her husbands work. 

If someone tells me my ex no longer works at Armada ... that is not stalking.
If someone send me a picture of my Son doing a BJJ tournament ... that is not stalking.
If someone tells my kids that I love them ... that is not stalking.

However; my domestic violence treatment provider has made it his personal goal to fix any and every problem that i have ever had in my entire life.  What a great guy.

My problem is a little more severe than this.  I have researched a little and have found no information of people who have done polygraphs on an individual who is ASD and has anxiety issues.  They did the test on me four times last night and had to redo it a fifth time because the instrument" is malfunctioning.  All just to prove that I had lied on one of the questions.

I have struggled with the issue of lying and telling the truth for some time.  My lawyer, my therapist, my friends and the people in the treatment with me all tell me I should have lied about all these things.  But after telling the truth for months ... the final result is that even when I tell the truth it is not good enough I am still a liar.

There is no truth in the courts, there is no justice for the poor.  this is the American way. 

DEC court ... and the truth.

Today I had court.  It was uneventful.  It seems like every time I go to court I do not even speak.  So today I went to court for a review of my inability to remain in compliance with my domestic violence requirements.

The truth however is that I am in compliance.  But that is not in important in the court.  I need the document from the therapist.  Unfortunately for me he did not get it done last Wednesday.  Then he had Thursday and Friday off.  Now it is my problem because now this Monday I still am not in compliance.

I discussed these issues with my therapist and he now thinks he should wait to finish the paper work till a eval I did last week gets done by the CD people.

All in all I am pretty sick of this system.  I am out of compliance if I read a self help book.  I am out of compliance if I go with my GF to Victoria's Secrets for some skin lotion.

and my fellow criminals in DV class have told me time and time again that all my problems would go away if I would just lie.


1) I should have lied to the police.  I would never have been arrested.
2) I should have lied to my therapists.   And my treatment would be going better.
3) I should have lied to the judge and prosecutor. 


Now the problem is either I am to stupid to lie or I just don't want to be like those people.  I really thought my mom taught me to behave better than this.  If I do lie all my problems go away .. but than I am just like everyone else.

so my miserable journey continues.

I miss my kids. Daily.

Blink 182 "Stay together for the kids."

I have been struggling with an issue for a very long long time.  My ex is now married.  Mr Owens is now a step father.  And my kids have been away from me for a year.

Ms. Owens is not letting the children see their grandmother.  She writes

"Because of how you have treated me and how you have not taken my concerns seriously and even threatened to sue me and take me to court, I do not feel comfortable with you seeing the boys at this time.  Your emailing my mom and saying you will come see them is I don't reply, only makes me feel more certain of my decision at this time.  The boys are do better than ever.  If you want to earn my trust feel free to do so through mailing the boys using my parents address.  Otherwise please discontinue the emails and calls.  Thank You."

Very well thought out and cruel.  Using the kids in an argument against their grandmother makes me feel hopeless.

What happens when my term is up and I now have custody of the kids?  Will she allow me to see them?  Will she create a new stories to find a way for me to not see them?  Will she call CPS ? The police?

What lengths will she go thru to make others feels pain using the kids as her weapon.

At this point I do not know if me fighting to see them will be beneficial.  I think the children would have been better off if their father killed himself 3NOV12.

I used to listen to the Blink 182 lyrics with me as the child. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1BFHYtZlAU

... but now I put myself in my children's shoes.  It is better to see your father if all your mother and father do is fight?I truly to do not want to hurt my kids.  I want them to have the best upbringing possible.  I am just afraid it is without me.  I am afraid that If her rebound raises them as a step father they might grow up well adjusted.


I am afraid that all this sadness and pain I feel because I miss my kids is simple selfishness.  If you love something let it go right?  Does this include children?

I don't wish to fight with her.  I want what is best for my kids.

terms

I just finished a domestic violence class.  Sunday I had treatment with my SA therapist.

It has almost been a year since I saw my kids.

It has been a year since I tried to kill myself.

I am at the half way mark of my domestic violence class.  I have to do a role play of the incident with me and Melinda and how I splashed water on her.  But as I described what happened I am realizing how much of a coward I have been my whole life.

I somehow and somewhere need to learn to defend myself and stand up for my principles.

 I have never broken up with a girlfriend.  Even when young Monica approached me and started telling her friends we were dating; I knew it was wrong but I was just so happy that someone liked me.

I have been teased all my life.  I have had few friends.  And even fewer people who have treated me well.  I joined BJJ Oly thinking I was going to find people there who treated me well.  I thought this could be a place to make friends.

Tonight I had to talk about the three attempts I have made to kill myself.  I had to discuss how I insulted my best friend.  My only friend.  How I made her scared and made her angry.  And for that I am truly sorry.

It a hard process to come to terms with the fact that no one really likes you.  It is a hard process to come to terms that I am not a nice person.

So somehow; If I really want to live I need to find a way to cope.  I need to learn to change my character.  I need not to be the cynic, not to be selfish, not to be rude.

I have to stop being a victim.  I need to face the fact that I may be non lovable and drive on from there. 

I miss my kids.  Dearly.

pain

I just had a meeting with a therapist.  I thought it was suppose to be a good meeting where I was going to be recommended to remove my anklet because of passing my polygraph.  However they focused on a few things.  In the past four months I looked at Porn a few times, about a month ago my GF gave me a taste of her margarita, and I continue to use the internet.

How the fuck can they outlaw someone from using the fucking internet? really?

I fear that absolutely understands me and that I am fucking nuts.  I simply want to live my little going no where life and pay my child support and be left the fuck alone.  How keeping me from the internet is suppose to help me?  I haven't a fucking clue.

I have no friends; apart from the internet.  I go no where.  After work every night I stay at home and watch TV on the internet or read.  Most my video games are internet related.

They tell me I need to give up all controlling behaviors .. but wanting to have the rights to privacy, and to live my life as  I see fit is not controlling.

I would hope a therapist would try to deliver you from depression not throw you deeper into it.

afraid to post.

I have done several homework assignments.  I did not post them.  I wonder if this is me getting smarter or just me getting lazier.

I look back on my life and I see so many different fragments its hard to believe that they are all tied together.

And one point as a child I believed I was not of the world and would be found by my alien parents and brought back home to my 'original" wold.

At one point as a teen I really thought I could not be hurt and would live forever.

As a man when faced with a tumour I thought my death was imminent.

And then last last year on my B day I welcomed death.  I begged for it.  And when I woke up the next day to find myself still alive I was filled with disappointment.

A year later .. I have no idea how I feel.  My X brother in law is dying of cancer.  I wish to God I could give up my life in order to save his.  He has purpose.  He has family.  And why the Lord kills a man of faith and spares a sinner like me is not easily understood.

Everyday I cant wait to go to work ... because I hate being alone.  But when I am at work I can't stand being there and want to run home.

A friend at work had his son die on DEC 24th about 6 years ago.  He is a funny jolly type and when he thinks of his son or mentions him you can see his face turn dismal still to this day.

I miss my children so very much.  I feel if I tell anyone my true feeling that I will never be allowed to see my children again.  It is ok to be sad.  But the court say as long as I am sad I can not see my kids.

So like my friend at work I lie to everyone I meet and pretend to be happy.  I pretend to not miss my kids.  I pretend to be well.  Such hypocrisy.  

When I grew up I hated Hypocrisy.  I left the Catholic Church because of it.  Now I have become what I most dislike.

I hope my children are doing well.

DV Homework - taking a turn

Part of my DV training is to try to learn about what mistakes I have made in the past and how to fix them.  This is one of my homework assignments where I wrote about one of the largest controlling incidents I ever used against my ex wife.  I think the many problems led to this and that I could have acted in a much better way.  I think that the result of this was the failed marriage although we tried to hold onto it for 5 years.  I am very regretful of these actions.  I truly loved my ex wife and the actions which I demonstrate in the following show just the opposite.  I hope that as I grow and learn that my next relationship will not end in the same way and that I will have learned to be better able to respect my partner.

Taking a Turn

One of the worst controlling moments in past relationship with Mindy was when I found out she had cheated on me while we were married. 

In her defense, the relationship was not very energetic.  I was working off shifts.  She was home a lot.  She had been jumping from job to job a lot and life had settled into a slump.  I was putting in too much time at BJJ and was playing way toooo much video games.  If I had been paying more attention to my wife and to my marriage I think she would not have been cheating.

She was never the promiscuous type I had thought at the time.  When we first met she had claimed to be a Virgin.  At this time I did not know about her cheating on me while we were dating.  The only indiscretion I knew of was when she was in Texas for Army training and got to drunk and had sex with a Soldier.  I never thought much of it because she was not likely to see him again.

While on this off shift I would go to work and Mindy would go out.  She would find a sitter and she would go to a lot of clubs.  She tended to be more wild than me and actually won a wet t shirt contest once.  She had some friends that were not good for her.   

This is how she met Nate.  He was a ranger.  I am not sure Mindy knew it at the time, because she claimed that he was Special Forces.  She had met him at a bar and went back to his barracks to have sex.  I do not know much about the situation or much about their relationship.  I know they had been dating for a bit.  He had told his mother of Mindy.  Mindy had received a letter or an email from her.  He even took Mindy out for her B Day.  This always held poorly in my brain because she then gave one of the gifts to me because she had no need for them.

The way I found out they were dating is one of the most controlling times in our relationship together.  I felt that here friends/ cousins were real bad influences on her.  She was drinking too much and she was out all the time.  I did not want to be the controlling husband so I never said anything against it.  Instead what I would do would be to check her emails and her texts. 

During the bad times she started getting suspicious.  I knew she was deleting stuff of her phone and she started guarding it like it was gold.  One night she fell asleep early from too much wine and went to bed.  She left her phone (at that time there was no pas code) I stated reading thru it.  I found out about the relationship.  I was not sure what to do so I lived with it for about a week before I would confront her on it.  I figured this was part of marriage. This was the part of dating someone so different than myself.  I figured I could never get anyone better.

That week (after my B Day) she told me she was pregnant.  That night when she was asleep I took her phone to the living room and started reading it.  Nate recently texted.  I texted him back acting as her.  He asked what was wrong and how I had been.  I simply texted that things are not well and that I was pregnant.  At the point I turned off the phone.

I was very livid.  I probably paced for about 45 mins before Mindy woke up.  She came into the living room and asked whats up and I simply said oh nothing I could not sleep.  Then just as passive aggressive as ever I went to bed and went straight to sleep.  She checked on the kids, got a drink of water and came to bed.  About 1 hour later she woke me up asking where her phone was.  I pretended to be stupid and said “.. I don’t know did you leave it on the couch?”

She turned on the phone and found like 24 texts all from Nate freaking out about the baby.

I handled this situation poorly.  I could have handled it better in several ways.  One I should have been more focused on my marriage in the first place.  Two if she was doing things at bars with other guys that bothered me I should have voiced an opinion about it.  My silence was a green light.  Thirdly.  If I felt the need to check a cell phone or an email we should have had a talk about it.  By me playing passive aggressive it made the relationship a lot worse.  I should not have involved Nate and told him about his child.  That was between him and Mindy.

In the end now that I look at this event.  I think it is the one thing that devalued my marriage to me.  I don’t think I ever recovered.  I tried to pretend it didn’t happen.  I tried to fall back in love again.  But all I felt like was that I was not good enough to be loved and that I would always be a second place in her life and someone she would consider and a “settle.”  She should have not had to settle for me.

And I should have left the relationship then.  That was the date of the death of it.  I should have had respect for myself and my Son.  I knew the type of person she was and that it may not ever change.

In the future I need to respect my partner more.  I need to love her and be with her, but I should never feel that I have the right or that I should secretly check their cell phone.  Regardless of whom may pay for the device.

I failed myself on that night.  I failed my eldest son as well.  But I failed my wife the year previously.  I do not feel that any of this would happened if I was a better spouse.

does she really get it?

SO I have a new friend.  Well she is old .. but some how so fast the relationship has changed direction and we have been swept of our feet and things are moving at a thousand miles per hour.

It is good and my mind has been granted a pause of thinking about the negative things that impact me.



So anyway last night she said "You have kind hands." ... something simple and nice to which I replied;



"Thank You that was a nice comment to say." ..

and what she replied shocked me.

"Oh no .. I I meant it as an observation not as a compliment. But if you see it as a compliment take it as such.  I was just making a comment on something that I see as a truth; and it just so happens to please you."



Well I don't what most peoples reaction is.  But for me I have said this before.  I told my Ex about her comeliness and she loved it.  She thought I was trying to be nice.  No ..  I was simply making an observation on something I deemed to be true.

It does not mean you don't wish them to feel good.  It does not mean that you would not care to compliment them.  It is just simply sometimes certain fact exist and they make people feel good.

I said almost the exact same words in a previous relationship and that female flipped out calling me insensitive.  But now .. a female is using those words with me ..and it sticks in my head ... Does she really get it?

I think she does.

Dreams 9/8/13

Im still not awake I am typing this out before I dont forget.  It is prob best I do forget.

I was asleep. I was at my moms.  She said the kids were running late so I turned on some netflix.  Mindy came by with the kids and we talked a bit.

And it was great to see her .. and we talked.  Kind of like normal people do. The kids were kind of older.  Yet things seemed like they used to be.

I think we may have still been together.  And argument ensued.. don't even know what about .. and like my usual .. I just excused myself out of the room and ran away rather than facing it.

and there were kittens. I dont know why .. I dont know what they represent.. but I love kittens.  They helped me get less angry so I could talk with her.  And after I cooled off I proceeded back to the main part of the house.  And I was watching the kids watch TV.  And they were amazing.

And it occurred to me.  That this is the first time I have seen them and that I still had a restraining order.  I had to get out of the house without pissing anyone off because I did not want jail .. I did not want Mindy mad .. and I wanted to see my kids so very very much.

I dont know what it means.  I know that I talked with the court lady yesterday about Melinda and my kids.  She told me how to get visitation even if my ex does not want me to see my kids.

I told her her my stance.

The people at Olympia Psychotherapy have told me that Mindy is deathly afraid of me.  That she has had to change all the locks in the house.  Change the garage door opener.  By a dog, and sleeps with mace spray.

I never meant her to live in so much fear.  I never wanted to hurt her.  I never wanted to scare her.  I did not foresee the reaction should would have being splashed by water.

All I wanted was for her to stop saying that her mother no longer likes me .. and that her father never did.

The mother of children is a special person.  She is a great mother and has the authority to tell me when to see and when not to see my kids. And despite the lady on the phone telling me what I need to do .. I cant help feeling that if I force the issue and see my kids when Mindy is still afraid for her life .. it will undoubtedly be bad for the kids.

I told the lady the Mindy is smart enough.  When she wants me to be a part of my children's lives she will ask the court to reverse its decisions.

I can not see my kids because Mindy asked the court to stop me.  I will wait till she is ready.  Even as much as it hurts.

It was sooo good seeing the kids in that dream.  And even now with tears running down my face I know in 30 mins I will not be able to remember it.  I forgot what the kids smell like.  When I go in their bedroom .. it does not smell like them . just new paint.  I forgot how they act and their mannerisms.

I am torn for my love of my old life.  Where I would be able to comfort my wife as she deals with her brother dying, and my new role as an outsider of my own family.  As a leper that people from the gym and from the church try their hardest to avoid.

I do not know what Mindy has told all these peoples ... but the looks I get; I would hate to hear what she has said.  I fear for what she has told my kids; or rather what Jake has over heard or eavesdropped which is his modus operandi.

So what do I do? 

well for starters .. I am done with that damn benedryl.