Better than ever

I walk around work like a  zombie.  I am exhausted and careless.  I have no wish to be there, and no desire to leave.  I walk thru life because I am forced. 

I quote Mrs Owen's last text "The boys are do better than ever..." as she tells Nana that the kids will not be able to see her.  That Nana can not see her grandchildren .. and the the kids are sooo great and are just golly  ... better than ever.

Last week I receiver mail from my health insurance company; group health.  Luckily I guess; Jake my eldest has been approved for up to 18 visits with a child psychiatrist because of depression, anger and trouble with dealing with all of this.

I hate myself for causing the divorce.  I hate myself for my children's mental anguish.  I dislike that Mrs. Owens will not let me see my kids.  I am plagues with dreams at night and lie awake all night worried about my boys.  I have happy dreams and lay missing them.  I have terrible dreams and wake up in tears.

I wish they were better than ever.  I wish their mother knew the pain she was causing keeping the kids from their Nana and their father.

But thats ok .. Mr. Owens rights in his facebook posts about how well his family and how much he loves them.  I guess when you have a step dad you no longer need a father or grandparents.

I just want the dreams to stop.  I want the torture to stop.