Im still not awake I am typing this out before I dont
forget. It is prob best I do forget.
I was asleep. I was at my moms. She said the kids were running late so I
turned on some netflix. Mindy came by
with the kids and we talked a bit.
And it was great to see her .. and we talked. Kind of like normal people do. The kids were
kind of older. Yet things seemed like
they used to be.
I think we may have still been together. And argument ensued.. don't even know what
about .. and like my usual .. I just excused myself out of the room and ran
away rather than facing it.
and there were kittens. I dont know why .. I dont know what
they represent.. but I love kittens.
They helped me get less angry so I could talk with her. And after I cooled off I proceeded back to
the main part of the house. And I was
watching the kids watch TV. And they
were amazing.
And it occurred to me.
That this is the first time I have seen them and that I still had a
restraining order. I had to get out of
the house without pissing anyone off because I did not want jail .. I did not
want Mindy mad .. and I wanted to see my kids so very very much.
I dont know what it means.
I know that I talked with the court lady yesterday about Melinda and my
kids. She told me how to get visitation
even if my ex does not want me to see my kids.
I told her her my stance.
The people at Olympia Psychotherapy have told me that Mindy
is deathly afraid of me. That she has
had to change all the locks in the house.
Change the garage door opener. By
a dog, and sleeps with mace spray.
I never meant her to live in so much fear. I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to scare her. I did not foresee the reaction should would
have being splashed by water.
All I wanted was for her to stop saying that her mother no
longer likes me .. and that her father never did.
The mother of children is a special person. She is a great mother and has the authority
to tell me when to see and when not to see my kids. And despite the lady on the
phone telling me what I need to do .. I cant help feeling that if I force the
issue and see my kids when Mindy is still afraid for her life .. it will
undoubtedly be bad for the kids.
I told the lady the Mindy is smart enough. When she wants me to be a part of my
children's lives she will ask the court to reverse its decisions.
I can not see my kids because Mindy asked the court to stop
me. I will wait till she is ready. Even as much as it hurts.
It was sooo good seeing the kids in that dream. And even now with tears running down my face
I know in 30 mins I will not be able to remember it. I forgot what the kids smell like. When I go in their bedroom .. it does not
smell like them . just new paint. I
forgot how they act and their mannerisms.
I am torn for my love of my old life. Where I would be able to comfort my wife as
she deals with her brother dying, and my new role as an outsider of my own
family. As a leper that people from the
gym and from the church try their hardest to avoid.
I do not know what Mindy has told all these peoples ... but
the looks I get; I would hate to hear what she has said. I fear for what she has told my kids; or
rather what Jake has over heard or eavesdropped which is his modus operandi.
So what do I do?
well for starters .. I am done with that damn benedryl.
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