afraid to post.

I have done several homework assignments.  I did not post them.  I wonder if this is me getting smarter or just me getting lazier.

I look back on my life and I see so many different fragments its hard to believe that they are all tied together.

And one point as a child I believed I was not of the world and would be found by my alien parents and brought back home to my 'original" wold.

At one point as a teen I really thought I could not be hurt and would live forever.

As a man when faced with a tumour I thought my death was imminent.

And then last last year on my B day I welcomed death.  I begged for it.  And when I woke up the next day to find myself still alive I was filled with disappointment.

A year later .. I have no idea how I feel.  My X brother in law is dying of cancer.  I wish to God I could give up my life in order to save his.  He has purpose.  He has family.  And why the Lord kills a man of faith and spares a sinner like me is not easily understood.

Everyday I cant wait to go to work ... because I hate being alone.  But when I am at work I can't stand being there and want to run home.

A friend at work had his son die on DEC 24th about 6 years ago.  He is a funny jolly type and when he thinks of his son or mentions him you can see his face turn dismal still to this day.

I miss my children so very much.  I feel if I tell anyone my true feeling that I will never be allowed to see my children again.  It is ok to be sad.  But the court say as long as I am sad I can not see my kids.

So like my friend at work I lie to everyone I meet and pretend to be happy.  I pretend to not miss my kids.  I pretend to be well.  Such hypocrisy.  

When I grew up I hated Hypocrisy.  I left the Catholic Church because of it.  Now I have become what I most dislike.

I hope my children are doing well.