I don't have work and today is my day off. But I still find myself up before 430 am. I woke this morning sick to my stomach because I knew it was him and I knew what he did.
With in moments I realized it had all been a dream; but it amazes me. To think that that brief moment between sleep and wake that 60 seconds you cant tell what is reality and what was dream. And for that brief moment I felt so many negative emotions. Fear, Grief, Disbelief, hatred, sorrow, and loss. I was so worried about what my kids would do ... but let me back up and tell the terrible terrible dream.
It was the day after Christmas and me and my GF were at the Sushi place near the Jujitsu gym. I like this place but I also know that Robert frequents this place so I do ever go there. I am trying to do my best and not run into my X wife for an entire year. .... This much is all true and indeed did happen last night.
In my dream we met and old friend of mine Scott. I should have known it was a dream because Scott looked younger and healthier and strong. Like when I met him the first time over 15 years ago. He was a long time friend. He asked me if I was training BJJ any more. I told him no. He said that the gym was closed all week and no one would be there and if I wanted to come and train with him and Jeff and a few people I could.
At that moment I don't know what to describe what I felt. For so long have I felt anguish about not being able to see my old friends. I was ostracized from that gym and was told not to communicate with anyone at that gym. And now in a purely genuine act of Xmas kindness they had welcomed me back for just one day.
I love Jiujitsu. I miss it. My body misses it. It is where anatomy and chess meet. And I did my best and I did a class. and sweated, and hurt, and tapped, and almost had so much fun I got sick to my stomach. And no one seemed to care that I had a GPS bracelet around my ankle. The gym seemed different too. There where different changing rooms and things looked well kept and clean. I attributed this to Mindy's business practices.
After class I took of my wet sweaty Gi and went to go change. I was wearing my pants and forgot my water in the workout area. I went to go get it and on my way back to the changing room a white Volvo pulled up.
My heart leaped.
My Ex wife drives a white Volvo and she has a restraining order against me. So in fear I ran to the changing room and grabbed my T shirt and ran to my truck. I could not find my gi bag but it was no time to look for it.
I was in my truck when wiping the sweat off from my brow and cleaning up after class. I was putting on deodorant when Robert came up to my truck.
He walked up to my truck quietly and I did not see him. And Opened my drivers side door and I felt trapped. "What are you doing?" he asked.
I explained that I did a class at the gym, even tho I knew he had kick me out for life.
"please tell me exactly what happened."
at this time, I could not betray Scott or Jeff or any of my friends in the gym. If I told Robert that they let me in the gym to roll with them he might get upset at them. I took the blame.
"well that ok did you enjoy it?"
I felt relieved. "For so long have I felt that something was missing from my life. You told me once that as you approach black belt that the ledge we walk on get smaller and smaller. And that people judge us much more severe than a white or a blue belt. I had honestly tried to give up BJJ. But I hurt. Without it I do not feel complete and that I am just floating like a ghost thru life. I don't care or find pleasure in anything anymore."
He looked at me like he used like he agreed. He said "Indeed it is something that strengthens the soul and body. ..... But what about the hammer?" he asked?
I looked at him confused. "What hammer?"
He said that the people in the gym said after class you were walking around with a hammer.
"no, nope, that sounds weird. I had no reason for anything."
"very well, Mindy is here so you better leave." .. and I felt relived. I felt like even tho we had problems in our past he was going to cover for me and not tell his wife I had been exercising at the gym.
When I go home to the APT my GF was still there and I showered and we were talking about nothingness. And as the news played they said that a female was killed with a hammer at BJJ Olympia today.
And my heart dropped.. I was not worried for myslef. I was horrified for the kids.
Maybe I watch to much CSI and Law and Order. But this combined with my sleep apnea i awoke gasping for air so utterly scared and sick. That I surmised that he had stolen my bag; and killed someone; and had my DNA .... and my mind spun and spun as I laid in bed thinking of all that is to come.
Who is going to take care of them. Will they let my protection order drop. If they are already in mental health treatment for being away from their father what will happen to them now. What has been told to them. Will they ever know the truth. Are the police coming for me right now? Will they believe me? What will be the long term effect on the boys and will they get sad each Xmas like I do?
and as I sat in bed slowly realizing it had all been a dream and finally able to take breathes, the dream started to fade. It sickens me for that brief moment I thought I had lost my Ex wife. For so long she was my best friend and meant the world to me. Even if she is not mine I could not stand to loose here like that. And the kids. Oh; my poor kids.
And all is ok now. It was just a dream. But I still have the salt in the corner of my eyes. And I don't want to clean it out. Because the crying is what I think I will use to purify my soul from all this terrible terrible life that has been forced upon my this past year.
I am trying so hard to abide by all the rules. I am trying so hard to stay as far from my Ex as possible. I am getting close. And one day this will all be behind me. But I had a dream like this once. And I told my therapist. She wrote down that the patients has dreams of killing his X wife. And now I wear a GPS. Because in my mind if I have a dream of my Ex wife dying (a death scene I never even witnessed) and I dream about the repercussion; This is a dream about death. To me this is a dream about the fear I have for my children growing up. Not knowing if they are kept well. Not knowing how they are doing in school or socially, or physically. Are they exercising? Are they eating write? Is Jake being teased at school? Is Robert continuously harassing Jake every morning by saying Wakey wakey where is Jakey? Because he hates it but doesn't want to tell anyone.
I just want what is best for the boys. And being a part from them is ten times worse than not being in Jiujitsu.
The terrible terrible dream is not what happened last hour. It is all the time I spend awake for the last year.
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