I just finished a domestic violence class. Sunday I had treatment with my SA therapist.
It has almost been a year since I saw my kids.
It has been a year since I tried to kill myself.
I am at the half way mark of my domestic violence class. I have to do a role play of the incident with me and Melinda and how I splashed water on her. But as I described what happened I am realizing how much of a coward I have been my whole life.
I somehow and somewhere need to learn to defend myself and stand up for my principles.
I have never broken up with a girlfriend. Even when young Monica approached me and started telling her friends we were dating; I knew it was wrong but I was just so happy that someone liked me.
I have been teased all my life. I have had few friends. And even fewer people who have treated me well. I joined BJJ Oly thinking I was going to find people there who treated me well. I thought this could be a place to make friends.
Tonight I had to talk about the three attempts I have made to kill myself. I had to discuss how I insulted my best friend. My only friend. How I made her scared and made her angry. And for that I am truly sorry.
It a hard process to come to terms with the fact that no one really likes you. It is a hard process to come to terms that I am not a nice person.
So somehow; If I really want to live I need to find a way to cope. I need to learn to change my character. I need not to be the cynic, not to be selfish, not to be rude.
I have to stop being a victim. I need to face the fact that I may be non lovable and drive on from there.
I miss my kids. Dearly.
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