Tuesday, November 12, 2013

terms

I just finished a domestic violence class.  Sunday I had treatment with my SA therapist.

It has almost been a year since I saw my kids.

It has been a year since I tried to kill myself.

I am at the half way mark of my domestic violence class.  I have to do a role play of the incident with me and Melinda and how I splashed water on her.  But as I described what happened I am realizing how much of a coward I have been my whole life.

I somehow and somewhere need to learn to defend myself and stand up for my principles.

 I have never broken up with a girlfriend.  Even when young Monica approached me and started telling her friends we were dating; I knew it was wrong but I was just so happy that someone liked me.

I have been teased all my life.  I have had few friends.  And even fewer people who have treated me well.  I joined BJJ Oly thinking I was going to find people there who treated me well.  I thought this could be a place to make friends.

Tonight I had to talk about the three attempts I have made to kill myself.  I had to discuss how I insulted my best friend.  My only friend.  How I made her scared and made her angry.  And for that I am truly sorry.

It a hard process to come to terms with the fact that no one really likes you.  It is a hard process to come to terms that I am not a nice person.

So somehow; If I really want to live I need to find a way to cope.  I need to learn to change my character.  I need not to be the cynic, not to be selfish, not to be rude.

I have to stop being a victim.  I need to face the fact that I may be non lovable and drive on from there. 

I miss my kids.  Dearly.



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