Selfishness in Parenting.

I think one of the hardest things to do as a person and therefore as a person is to combat ones own selfishness.

Most recently .. about 5 months ago I have a brief encounter with a woman.  She was great, and smart, and pretty, and courteous.  She showed me friendship and companionship.  But the nicer she acted towards me the more I pulled away.

At first I thought it was that I did not believe I was worthy of her affection.  And as my life played out and I was arrested, and received two no contact orders .. she even still attempted to support me.

And then it his me.  She too was in a struggle for her children. She wanted to keep our relationship on the down low  because she was concerned that if her Ex Husband found out he would use it as fuel to get full custody.

Now the relationship was just in its infancy .. and no one really hand very strong emotions yet.  So I took it upon myself to pull away.

I had already torn one family apart I was not going to do it to another.

Now several months later.  We are friends.  She is still sweet. And kind, and amazing.  But she understands that she needs to find a better man than me who will put her great kids first.

It has to be about the kids.

I think one of the biggest contributing agents that destroyed my marriage was that I and my spouse were not always working in the same direction for the benefit of the kids.

She is a good parent.  Of that I have no qualms.  She is engaged to a person I considered a close friend.  He has a steady job, he believes in acting ethical.  (albeit it his own ethics) And although she has made mistakes in the past I think she will raise the children better than a foster home.

And then there is me.  I long day and night to see my kids.  And I know not why.  Well I think I know.


Is it that I want to feel a glimpse of what my old life was?  DO I want to be happy like I was when I was married?  There is no doubt that I love them.  But is that really good enough?

I loved my life .. and I wronged her.   but my kids .. I loved them and yet in the past I have not been the most attentive parent.

So why do I want them?  Why am I so driven to get my parental rights back?  Am I so confident in my ability to control my emotions that I will never say a negative thing about the children's mom and new dad?

If I was a good parent, and I was truly not selfish .. would I not walk away.  They have a mom, a dad, 2 sets of grandparents.  Cousins and everything they need.  All I provide to them is 1100 a month.

Something I  have noticed differently with Aspies as opposed to other groups is that we do not socialize together.  Black people and different races .. they hang out together.  Gay people and people of different sexual persuasions ... they hang out together.  Even certain people with mental defects tend to hand out together.  No so much with autism.  Autism is a very very selfish disease.

So how is it that I have convinced myself that I am the best thing to teach my Aspie son how to grow up in a non Aspie world?   Are there things I see differently?  yes ..  but is this enough to warrant the selfishness I am sure I would demonstrate.

I am not sure why they have me in an Domestic Violence class ... however I am learning more about my selfishness and mis perceived ideas than about my violent nature.

If I really loved my children would I not do what is best for them?