not the attractive kind, but the young.
I almost thought twice about writing this. I normally don't have a filter, but lately I have a lot of accusations about me and inappropriate relationships with people not of my age.
I used to teach children's martial arts classes. One of my students messaged me on Facebook.
It started off innocently enough.
"I heard you got kicked out of the gym?"
I thought about that comment for at least an hour prior to sending a respond. But I did. Mostly out of curiosity.
"So what did you hear?" - and she told me the basic about the rumors that circulate the gym.
"you got kicked out because you hit on a 19 yr old."
So I replied "Yep .. are you training again?"
She seemed not to like that I changed the conversation. I got a feeling she was curious to have a bit of gossip that her other sources didn't have.
So to make a long conversation shorter for the sake of piece of mind .. we messaged for a good hour it seemed. And I don't know why; and this may bite me in the ass, but I did tell her the truth. More truth that she was probably expecting. More truth that I give most people.
I have always had a very bad way with women. I am socially awkward and don't always speak in a manner in which females can relate.
"So you know that he kicked me out because he thought he could not trust me in the future and that I would hurt the academy by dating underage girls.
"She replied ..... I guess."
and you know I am 40 and I do not meat any of the people I talk to online and I am not looking to date and I will not talk about anything sexual with you right?
and then it hit me ... she was looking for gossip and the mention of me even talking to her sexually kind of grossed her out.
"Thats good .. thats not what I am even after" she replied. I think this was her polite way of saying yuk yer gross.
I explained that we could chat about it for a brief time but I was not looking into carry on a conversation in the future and that she would need to chat with people her own age. I understand that she might be curious but it is very inappropriate to chat with a former teacher online.
She agreed and I felt good about this. I was only gonna give her minor details ..and then it happened. I told the truth. I don't normally tell the truth. I have been suffering for so long that I have gotten awesome at lying.
I have always been weird. I have always been nervous and shy. Well at least till I get accustomed to a pattern. When I was your age I had dreams. I wanted to do things. I wanted to change the world. And as I got older I changed my dreams ... and eventually my dreams melded into two specific ones. ... they call this putting all your eggs in one basket.
When I was getting separated I had two huge problems. 1 I was about to turn 40 and was afraid and having a mid life crisis. And 2 .. the woman I loved no longer loved me and wanted a divorce.
So what was I to do? I wanted another Mindy ... In my mind Mindy is a culmination of all the experiences (both good and bad) that I have experienced in 14 years. I wanted a family. It seemed that in order to stroke my ego and to regain this "Mindy" ... I should go out and find an attractive young lady who would be willing to replace my Wife and for me to start a new life and a new family.
Now don't get me wrong .. several month later I realize on how many levels this was crazy stupid. 1 I don't have money to raise other children. 2 Why would I want to replace the ones I love? 3 why would a woman of 21-25 want to start a marriage with a 40 yr old fat and balding man with a dead end career? .. I could go on ... but it was a huge bad idea. I should have never went to dating sites and every contact that I had on them ended up awkward and disastrous.
Now at this time I believed I had true friends at the gym. Both Robert, Joel, and James had been divorced. I respected them and did not want to seem weak. Kinda like people who don't want to tap.
SO I made up these elaborate stories that I was talking to a lot of hot women online and that I was dating all sorts of girls and "hitting" it ... because its ok for guys to have one night stands.
In reality? I was talking to middle aged heavy set women who recently divorced who loved to tell the story of how they divorced and what mistakes occurred. I felt good about these relationships because I learned about what I did wrong and how I should have changed.
As all this kept on going Is when I created Rolling Panda. I was using my art to disperse some of the pain I felt. And Robert was going to have me go a cool painting for the gym. I was doing alot of different things but really really wanted to get into taking photos at the revolution tournament.
I talked to Spencer and Ryan and they where going to hook me up and let me photo them sparring. This is the point when an attractive 19 year old in the gym added me to facebook. We chatted a bit and I thought this would be an awesome opportunity to get her and Deedre and Katie to do sets of pictures on the mats doing different techniques.
But even I (not knowing I was aspie at the time) knew that you dont meet a girl and say .. hey can i take pics of you? So we chatted and talked and I asked her to help me paint my apt and I would provide ribs and rum. Which is 100% totally wrong and illegal. She said no. Two days go by and that is when Robert approached me on the subject.
What I didn't know at the time is that Mindy and Robert have been chatting for months now and are actually dating. She ahs told him she found teen porn on my computer.
"Did she?" .... she asked?
"I said she definitely found pop ups of it in the internet history. But I can guarantee she never found any saved pictures on the hard drive. The way that PORN works is that anyone 18 - 29 is considered "teen" porn to distinguish it from "granny" or "mature"
But also you have to realize that Mindy has her self esteem issues and I was never allowed to look at attractive women on the internet. Naked or otherwise. Sport illustrated Swimsuit addition was considered off limits . .and she did not like me ever to make a comment about a female in her glamour or cosmo or fitness magazines.
So Robert did what he thought was the best decision and kicked me from the gym.
1) he knew I dated a minor 17 years ago. 2) he knows I was texting a 19 yr old and offered her alcohol 3) he knows that mindy said there was teen porn on my computer 4) he knows that i was drinking way way tooooo much and 5) I had told him lies so that I would seem cool and over my wife that I was getting laid by all sorts of young hot women.
So you can see why he made his decision right?
"Yes"
and at this point I cant believe she is still following all this and not bored out of her mind.
And this is where it gets creepy ..
Do you know why I talk with guys and girls from 17 - 26?
"nope" she replies pretty quick.
"Because as you get older you dreams fade and change. Now that I am old and divorced and not doing BJJ ... well I have no dreams and have no reason to go on. So I like to talk to the youth .. most of them in the Army of in College and listen to their dreams. I talk with people all over the world. And I listen and learn and I get something from hearing there dreams. I don't know if I think it will rub off and give me hope .. or what. I don't ever meet them. I don't intend on it. But I am just weird I guess and just chat."
"Your not weird"
"... lol but you don't even know me. You know I never leave my apt. I am an old man and a shut in. I go to work I go grocery shopping but I rarely leave because I am afraid of meeting my ex or my kids or my in laws or Robert. My life is a while failure and because of my doing. Over that last year as I get a better understanding of my disease I realize how terrible of a husband I was to Mindy. And I realize I am not a good friend and that is why Robert never thought of me as a friend."
and that's it. the truth. I am weak and afraid and unsure of my desire to go on. I have very few real relationships and even the ones that I have I shun because I don't want to go outside. Ive lost my family my home my community.
and then there is a long long pause I think I bored her to sleep.
And she asks ... why dont ask my about my dreams?
so I did "What are your dreams?"
and she tells me she is getting is head start and trying for a AA then going into the Army and getting her Veterinary License. All good things. And I told her those were all noble pursuits. I told her that I also thought her and her bother were good kids and they were good for the younger kids to look up too. He mom is great and then ..
"you need to do me one more favour."
"??"
"and you cant tell no one." (I know I said this to some one I know would never be able to keep a secret) "but you need to forget we ever met. You need to forget we talked tonight. And you need not to ever bring up my name at the gym. If you see my kids or ex don't mention me. And just go about your life and do the best you can and become somebody. Someone who changes the world who makes society better. I don't want you to get in the middle of my battles and I don't want you have any problems with your training."
I really miss all the kids in the kids classes. I would like to think that over the years at both Michael Rosen's School and At Robert I have made a difference in someones life and hopefully aimed them in the right direction. I want all the kids in the kids class to grow up and become awesome parts of society. I want them to have more self respect than I have for my self and more confidence and achieve more than I ever did. I don't know how my ex ever mis understood this and thought I had sexual thoughts about any of my students. And thought thought of it makes me sick.
The truth I have learned with help form some good authors is not every one on the internet is bad .. but there is just enough to make it bad. The reason I should not talk with girls under 28 is not because I am too old or too immature .. its because if they meet me and I am polite then the next old man they meet will not have the same intentions ... and I have inadvertently taught them to keep their guards down. I need to protect others from harm .. even if that means I don't get to listen to their dreams. I have started to apply this to males also.
When I was separated I should have never lied to my friends. I should have never pretended to be a ladies man or to act as if I was someone how more popular than I am. But I have sooo often in my life been teased and bullied I just wanted people to think and treat me like I was normal. And now that I have been diagnosed ... I realize I am normal. I am normal for an Aspie.
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