Im not sure if I can give it up.

Im not even sure what I am speaking of.

Today I went to a BJJ class.  The first one sing SEPT.  The first one since being kicked out of my family (my gym.)

I gave up Jiujitsu.  After training 20 years in martial arts after having dreams and after having them all destroyed ... 

I couldn't stay away.  It is more powerful than any drug to me.

Im not sure if I can give it up ...

But the truly pathetic thing about me .. and yes there are many.  I am soooo messed in the head as I watch two of the guys roll .. I am thinking of someone who I once thought was my friend.  I miss Rolling with Robert.  I loved bouncing odd ideas and getting his thoughts on things.

One of the last things he said to me is that he wished we would be able to roll more together.  I am not sure why I mistook this as friendship but I truly mis his .... whatever you call it.

And even thought he is in my wife.  And even tho they will be married soon.  Even after ejecting me from the gym .. and making monumental decisions for my children ... after all the anger and hate I felt ...

I am still so pathetic that I miss his friendship.

I remember once ..  when me and Melinda were having problems (she was Mindy back then) ... I got down on one knee and pledge to her to change and become the husband she needs and wants. .... Well she laughed at me.  And as I went to the other room to pout .. she texted Robert about saying that she felt bad for being pathetic and her laughing but she didn't know what to say.

And yet .. I still miss them both.

I think they all would just be happier if I left the state and paid child support from afar. 

At least she is finally happy when she is not on vacation.