I want you to want to …

That’s what she said to me. SO so many times.  Its not enough that I did the things she asked. …. But she wanted me to want to do them.  And I believed her.  And she believed herself.

But none of it was true.

I think the most important thing that I learned about being in a relationship is that when you are single you are just that... single.  But when you are married you are half the part of a relationship.  Together you both decide who you are.  Combined. Who you want to be combined.  And when she told me she wanted to find out who she was... this was her way of saying she was done being us.

I can’t fault her for that.  But just as she left and needed to find out who she was... I am now having to learn who I am.  I am not the same person as I was 14 years ago.  But I don’t know who I am either.

When she told me she wanted me to want to; I was not sure initially what she meant by that.  But as the relationship progressed I learned a lot of things.  As relationships continue you sacrifice who you are.  You sacrifice dreams you had, and you make a mental decision to change to who you both want you both to become.

Certain things are more difficult than other things.  I learned easily that I need to say a greeting to her when I entered the house.  While other things... like masturbation proved much, much more difficult to change.  I tried several times to quit.  And throughout the relationship I was able to make it about 6 month without masturbating.  But the instinct and my lack of moral belief in quitting failed me.  I guess I never saw masturbation as adultery like she did.  And although I knew it was painful to her (and therefore myself too) I was unable to quit permanently.  And then I would be filled with guilt afterward because I know I did something that would hurt her and therefore our relationship.

But it wasn’t that I didn’t want to change.  I wanted to. I wanted to want to. But when she told me she wanted me to want to... what she meant is that she wanted to me do an action without having to make a mental choice to do the act to better our relationship.  She wanted me to perform an action because it was my intrinsic nature.

Certain things I do in my nature are not helpful for a relationship.  I enjoy silence.  I zone out for long periods of time.  I am terrible at communicating simple thoughts.  I am unable to interpret complex emotions based upon facial expression or innuendo.  I tried very hard to change and become what we both wanted us to become. 

But she was right … I was trying to change because I wanted her/us to be happy.  Not because I thought it was the correct thing to do or my nature to do so.

She once was hurt that I gave her slim fast for Christmas.  It took me four years to understand what I had done wrong.  I truly believe had I been diagnosed earlier we could have figured out a way for to correct my faults and not to be so awkward.

But no woman should have to be stuck in a home with two people with Aspergers.

And now alone I need to find out who I am.

Who am I?   Maybe that is a topic for another time.  All I know is what I can take from my past relationships. 

Actions speak louder than words.  Intentions never matter.  Devotion can be seen directly by amount of time spent together.

And not that you should want to want to … you should simple do it because it is your nature to do it.  Doing something just because it pleases her ends up being hollow in the end.