I am not sure what I am suppose to be learning here.
I get that I was a bad husband. I get that I am not a good person and that my particularities make me not fun to be around. I get that people don't want to discuss or debate or hammer down semantics on every little conversation. I get that I annoy most people. .....
However .. I too get annoyed. Not everything about the Neurotypicals is a fresh walk in the park.
In my group therapy there is a guy who is mostly quiet. I am good with that. He is slightly dim witted, un educated and most the comments and jokes go far above his perception.
He told his story. It took an hour. It bored me .. but I endured for sake of personal growth.
He met a girl when he was young. He knocked her up and dropped out of High School. they got addicted to Meth. They broke up. They got back together .. and then broke up again. He moved in with his father in Missouri. He had problems with drugs. His dad died. His bother moved in. His brother brought his druggy friends into the house and squatters. He was unable to get them out.
and it went on .. from there. But in the middle of watching some guy across from me clean his toenails with a pencil and watching the rain and listening to the dribble .. not the rain. I heard it.
Btw. I am white. I have been white for a very long time. Most the people I know are white. But I heard a word come from his mouth.
He was talking negatively discussing some people and the poor condition he was in. He was talking how him and some buddies went to his house to kick theese guys out and then his friends stood there and watched him get his ass kicked.
And then he said it again. Nigger.
Not sure why it pissed me off so much. But my Mother raised us not to say that shit. My grandfather who was a racist never even said that word. ... SO what does a sane person do??
Yeah I don't know either .. so I looked up and said. .. " WHOAA WHOOA ... did i misread the door and this is a Klan rally? What the fuck makes you think you can run around around using language like that?"
and then he looks at me like I am the bad guy .. I am interrupting him.
"I understand that you had a bad life, that your uneducated, and that your lazy .. but I don't need to hear that shit." I replied back.
at this point the therapist uses this as an example to show how to people can have different definitions of a word and have to different points of views that are both correct.
the guy continues to state that he uses the term to mean liar and thief.
And I explained that we have a big black guy in treatment and he would not use that term if he was in the room.
All in all the therapist did a good job explaining why we should not judge other people so hastily.
But I could see thru this guy. I know his whole life he has been full of crime. I know that he has been a terrible parent and that he had abused his Ex in several ways.
But so have I. I am just not sure why I judge him to be so bad because he is a racist when I am guilty of far worse crimes. While I am not an addict and do not do illegal drugs .. I have been a poor souse and father at times.
I guess it is a good thing that I ended up in this program. I cant discount the negative things that James Woods and Melinda have done ... but I can focus on fixing myself.
Which will prob bring me up to my next blog on maturity and self growth.
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