If the Gi doesn’t fit.

When I was married my Ex used to say a quote.  And although I don’t remember exactly how she put it but it was basically... “if the hat don’t fit .. I’m not gonna wear it”

I always kind of understood the jest of it but it seems as I go through treatment it is becoming more and more clear.

Robert wrote me a letter once .. I will write my thought about it as it goes as not to take up to much space.

“Joey,

I find it troubling that you did not honor our appointment”

- I find it slightly ironic.  The man who is late to everything he does … starts off upset that I am an hour late to a “appointment” that was never given a specific time.

“, especially since it concerns such an important topic. I am now compelled to send you my decision via email instead of facing you as a man. This is not how this should have taken place. This is not how I move in the world.”

“As I told you yesterday, I have appreciated your contributions to the school. There are many things I like about you as a person. You have much to offer the world, if you decide to do so.

But these things alone do not excuse some of your actions or remove my larger concerns. You asked me yesterday why I had not mentioned Monica incident earlier. I told you that I was watching, that I judge men by their actions as I see them, even if their past indiscretions are as serious as yours were with Monica. Unfortunately, your actions with Hannah show me that I have reason to be concerned.

You targeted her by showing up for painting when you knew that she would be there. You approached her inappropriately on numerous levels. You lied to me about your contact with her.”

- You might need to talk to her. There where 4 people who hit on her at the gym. I was teaching a class only because you were late.  I was watching my kids and we came in to train.  After the class.. You showed up; Hannah asked me if we were going to stay and paint.  I must admit I thought that this was an offer, I thought she was asking for help.  SO we stayed.  If it is true that you have a copy of everything I ever typed to her then you know... I never asked her if she was single.  I never asked her on a date.  I asked her to help paint my apartment after she told me she had fun painting your gym.

You mentioned that you are dealing with issues concerning alcohol. While my heart goes out to you in your dealing with that, I believe you are fighting much greater demons in your attraction to young girls. Alcoholism is something we can work with; it is not against the law. The other is beyond me and even beyond most professionals. It is also against the law.

While it is true I had a minor issue with Alcohol... There are no demons.  There are only people and bullies.  Over the last year I have had to see shrink who’s deal with sexual issues.  I have taken exams, I have taken polygraphs.

The truth is yes .. I find Kate Upton attractive.  But despite what might have had over 17 years ago I have not broken any laws.  I have not seduced or stalked or “hit on” any minors.  I do not engage in underage pron.

Remember the person who is telling you this information about me also believed that masturbating was the equivalent to adultery.  And that I was not allowed to look at other women or compliment their looks.

“Your past has caught up with you and your current actions reveal that little has changed. From the legal and business perspectives, this is a liability I cannot afford. More importantly, my awarding anyone a black belt, however unofficial it might be deemed in some jiujitsu circles, is my open statement to the world that I trust not only your technique, but also your conduct as a man.

And while my gi and black belt may fit too loosely to be the best judge’s robes, I must do what I think is best for this community. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you you will not be promoted by me to black belt. It pains me immeasurably to also inform you that you will have to find another school with which to train.

Transitioning to another school as an upper level brown belt will certainly raise eyebrows, and I will do whatever I can to help ease that transition. If I am pressed on the issue, I will relate that I did not feel your actions with a new female white belt were appropriate.

I will not mention Monica or any of my greater concerns unless I become aware of any inappropriate behaviors on your part, including justifying your behavior, further inappropriate contact, or bad mouthing this school or anyone associated with it.

Joey, this has been one of the most gut wrenching and heart rending decisions I have ever had to make. I told you yesterday that this avalanche of difficult times in your life carries with it great opportunities to change and grow. I encourage you to discover these, embrace them, seek the help you need, and go forth and serve your Creator to the best of your ability.

Robert Owens”

And now … it is a year later.  I have been arrested.  I have been forced into treatment.  I wear a GPS ankle bracelet.  I have recovered from depression.   I guess I have a different experience.  Lets look at it from my eyes.

Robert and Melinda make a decision to take both the boys out of BJJ Olympia (Brazilian jujitsu is a sport)

Within the month Robert asks Joey to “get more training” in for his black-belt test and Robert re-assumes control of the children’s class.

Joe and Melinda Divorce Sept 15.  Robert and Melinda start dating however hide the details.

A 19 yr old at the gym is hit on by 4 individuals. 1 of them .. me is kicked from the gym.

Halloween.  I find out that Robert and Melinda are seeing each other.  I text Robert.  He admits to it however he says they did not have sex till the divorce was final.  He also tells me that Melinda has been feeding him information for several months to include telling him that I have young teen porn saved on my computer.  (The Chive, Maxim Magazine, GQ, Sports illustrated, plus random porn sites.)

3 days prior to thanksgiving.  After an argument with my Ex-wife, she calls the police because she is afraid for her life... And my life spirals deeper and deeper.

If I haven’t learned on thing in the last year it is that I need to take responsibility for what I have done wrong.

I had an inappropriate relationship with Monica.  I was a lousy husband to Mindy.  I drank too much, I talked too much, I acted emotional and in anger.  I offered a 19 yr old alcohol in exchange for work.  While I was married I looked at pornography even though it hurt my Wife.

But .. I did not use my rank as an instructor to try to force a relationship with her.  I did not stalk her.  I simply chatted with a girl who befriended me on Facebook.  We chatted just a few times and it was not at all deep.  I barely knew her and had not even made a determination on her or her character.

If the GI fit .. I would wear it.  I have done plenty wrong.  But not that.

But there is something much more important to me here.  Even more important that BJJ.  After knowing me for 6 years.  Seeing me with your kids, with your family at the gym. With everything I have ever done … what is more realistic?

I am awkward.  I make social errors.  I cannot read people well.  I don’t understand innuendos.  I make inappropriate jokes and comments.  I have inappropriate reactions and feelings to normal situations.  I misinterpret the importance of social interactions.  I mislabel people as friends who were actually acquaintances and I have an unreal expectation of morality of others.  I live by a strict structure, and often focus on small details that are often not seen important by others.  I fidget, tap, and don’t stand still.  I do repetitive movements with my hands and fingers and over my chin.

I know it was wrong to consider you a friend.  But you should have seen these symptoms over 5 years and put two and two together.  You were a teacher once.  You must have had experience with students like me.

I have been bullied all my life.  I never expected it from my wife and a close friend.

And now I sit here on father’s day.  Knowing that I am restricted from my kids and that you are engaged and moving into their life.  I wonder... What kind of man are you and what kind of man has Melinda chosen?

I was not good for her.  She has an Aspie son and didn’t need an Aspie husband.  But just because I was a bad husband does not mean you will be better.  If you can’t recognize and work with my on my Aspie nature... How are you going to interact with my Aspie son?

I am guilty of so many things.  One of them is considering you a friend of ethical stature.  But as far as the whole Hannah thing.  If the Gi doesn’t fit I will not wear it.