Selfishness in Parenting.

I think one of the hardest things to do as a person and therefore as a person is to combat ones own selfishness.

Most recently .. about 5 months ago I have a brief encounter with a woman.  She was great, and smart, and pretty, and courteous.  She showed me friendship and companionship.  But the nicer she acted towards me the more I pulled away.

At first I thought it was that I did not believe I was worthy of her affection.  And as my life played out and I was arrested, and received two no contact orders .. she even still attempted to support me.

And then it his me.  She too was in a struggle for her children. She wanted to keep our relationship on the down low  because she was concerned that if her Ex Husband found out he would use it as fuel to get full custody.

Now the relationship was just in its infancy .. and no one really hand very strong emotions yet.  So I took it upon myself to pull away.

I had already torn one family apart I was not going to do it to another.

Now several months later.  We are friends.  She is still sweet. And kind, and amazing.  But she understands that she needs to find a better man than me who will put her great kids first.

It has to be about the kids.

I think one of the biggest contributing agents that destroyed my marriage was that I and my spouse were not always working in the same direction for the benefit of the kids.

She is a good parent.  Of that I have no qualms.  She is engaged to a person I considered a close friend.  He has a steady job, he believes in acting ethical.  (albeit it his own ethics) And although she has made mistakes in the past I think she will raise the children better than a foster home.

And then there is me.  I long day and night to see my kids.  And I know not why.  Well I think I know.


Is it that I want to feel a glimpse of what my old life was?  DO I want to be happy like I was when I was married?  There is no doubt that I love them.  But is that really good enough?

I loved my life .. and I wronged her.   but my kids .. I loved them and yet in the past I have not been the most attentive parent.

So why do I want them?  Why am I so driven to get my parental rights back?  Am I so confident in my ability to control my emotions that I will never say a negative thing about the children's mom and new dad?

If I was a good parent, and I was truly not selfish .. would I not walk away.  They have a mom, a dad, 2 sets of grandparents.  Cousins and everything they need.  All I provide to them is 1100 a month.

Something I  have noticed differently with Aspies as opposed to other groups is that we do not socialize together.  Black people and different races .. they hang out together.  Gay people and people of different sexual persuasions ... they hang out together.  Even certain people with mental defects tend to hand out together.  No so much with autism.  Autism is a very very selfish disease.

So how is it that I have convinced myself that I am the best thing to teach my Aspie son how to grow up in a non Aspie world?   Are there things I see differently?  yes ..  but is this enough to warrant the selfishness I am sure I would demonstrate.

I am not sure why they have me in an Domestic Violence class ... however I am learning more about my selfishness and mis perceived ideas than about my violent nature.

If I really loved my children would I not do what is best for them?

lost my temper in anger management.

I am not sure what I am suppose to be learning here.

I get that I was a bad husband.  I get that I am not a good person and that my particularities make me not fun to be around.  I get that people don't want to discuss or debate or hammer down semantics on every little conversation.  I get that I annoy most people. .....

However .. I too get annoyed.  Not everything about the Neurotypicals is a fresh walk in the park.

In my group therapy there is a guy who is mostly quiet.  I am good with that.  He is slightly dim witted, un educated and most the comments and jokes go far above his perception.

He told his story.  It took an hour.  It bored me .. but I endured for sake of personal growth.

He met a girl when he was young.  He knocked her up and dropped out of High School.  they got addicted to Meth.  They broke up.  They got back together .. and then broke up again.  He moved in with his father in Missouri.  He had problems with drugs.  His dad died.  His bother moved in.  His brother brought his druggy friends into the house and squatters.  He was unable to get them out.

and it went on .. from there.  But in the middle of watching some guy across from me clean his toenails with a pencil and watching the rain and listening to the dribble .. not the rain. I heard it.

Btw.  I am white.  I have been white for a very long time.  Most the people I know are white.   But I heard a word come from his mouth.

He was talking negatively discussing some people and the poor condition he was in.  He was talking how him and some buddies went to his house to kick theese guys out and then his friends stood there and watched him get his ass kicked.

And then he said it again.  Nigger.

Not sure why it pissed me off so much.  But my Mother raised us not to say that shit.  My grandfather who was a racist never even said that word. ... SO what does a sane person do??

Yeah I don't know either .. so I looked up and said. ..  " WHOAA WHOOA ... did i misread the door and this is a Klan rally?  What the fuck makes you think you can run around around using language like that?"

and then he looks at me like I am the bad guy .. I am interrupting him.

"I understand that you had a bad life, that your uneducated, and that your lazy .. but I don't need to hear that shit." I replied back.

at this point the therapist uses this as an example to show how to people can have different definitions of a word and have to different points of views that are both correct.

 the guy continues to state that he uses the term to mean liar and thief.

And I explained that we have a big black guy in treatment and he would not use that term if he was in the room.

All in all the therapist did a good job explaining why we should not judge other people so hastily.

But I could see thru this guy.  I know his whole life he has been full of crime.  I know that he has been a terrible parent and that he had abused his Ex in several ways.


But so have I.   I am just not sure why I judge him to be so bad because he is a racist when I am guilty of far worse crimes.  While I am not an addict and do not do illegal drugs .. I have been a poor souse and father at times.

I guess it is a good thing that I ended up in this program.  I cant discount the negative things that James Woods and Melinda have done ... but I can focus on fixing myself.

Which will prob bring me up to my next blog on maturity and self growth.

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES

not the attractive kind, but the young.

I almost thought twice about writing this.  I normally don't have a filter, but lately I have a lot of accusations about me and inappropriate relationships with people not of my age.

I used to teach children's martial arts classes.  One of my students messaged me on Facebook.

It started off innocently enough.

"I heard you got kicked out of the gym?"

I  thought about that comment for at least an hour prior to sending a respond. But I did.  Mostly out of curiosity.

"So what did you hear?" - and she told me the basic about the rumors that circulate the gym.

"you got kicked out because you hit on a 19 yr old."

So I replied "Yep .. are you training again?"

She seemed not to like that I changed the conversation.  I got a feeling she was curious to have a bit of gossip that her other sources didn't have.

So to make a long conversation shorter for the sake of piece of mind .. we messaged for a good hour it seemed.  And I don't know why; and this may bite me in the ass, but I did tell her the truth.  More truth that she was probably expecting.  More truth that I give most people.

I have always had a very bad way with women.  I am socially awkward and don't always speak in a manner in which females can relate.

"So you know that he kicked me out because he thought he could not trust me in the future and that I would hurt the academy by dating underage girls.

"She replied ..... I guess."

and you know I am 40 and I do not meat any of the people I talk to online and I am not looking to date and I will not talk about anything sexual with you right?

and then it hit me ... she was looking for gossip and the mention of me even talking to her sexually kind of grossed her out.

"Thats good .. thats not what I am even after" she replied.  I think this was her polite way of saying yuk yer gross.

I explained that we could chat about it for a brief time but I was not looking into carry on a conversation in the future and that she would need to chat with people her own age.  I understand that she might be curious but it is very inappropriate to chat with a former teacher online.


She agreed and I felt good about this. I was only gonna give her minor details ..and then it happened.  I told the truth.  I don't normally tell the truth. I have been suffering for so long that I have gotten awesome at lying.


I have always been weird.  I have always been nervous and shy.  Well at least till I get accustomed to a pattern.  When I was your age I had dreams.  I wanted to do things.  I wanted to change the world.  And as I got older I changed my dreams ... and eventually my dreams melded into two specific ones. ... they call this putting all your eggs in one basket.

When I was getting separated I had two huge problems.  1 I was about to turn 40 and was afraid and having a mid life crisis.  And 2 .. the woman I loved no longer loved me and wanted a divorce.

So what was I to do?  I wanted another Mindy ... In my mind Mindy is a culmination of all the experiences (both good and bad) that I have experienced in 14 years.  I wanted a family.  It seemed that in order to stroke my ego and to regain this "Mindy" ... I should go out and find an attractive young lady who would be willing to replace my Wife and for me to start a new life and a new family.

Now don't get me wrong .. several month later I realize on how many levels this was crazy stupid.  1 I don't have money to raise other children.  2 Why would I want to replace the ones I love?  3 why would a woman of 21-25 want to start a marriage with a 40 yr old fat and balding man with a dead end career? .. I could go on ... but it was a huge bad idea.   I should have never went to dating sites and every contact that I had on them ended up awkward and disastrous.

Now at this time I believed I had true friends at the gym.  Both Robert, Joel, and James had been divorced.  I respected them and did not want to seem weak.  Kinda like people who don't want to tap.

SO I made up these elaborate stories that I was talking to a lot of hot women online and that I was dating all sorts of girls and "hitting" it ... because its ok for guys to have one night stands.

In reality?  I was talking to middle aged heavy set women who recently divorced who loved to tell the story of how they divorced and what mistakes occurred.  I felt good about these relationships because I learned about what I did wrong and how I should have changed. 

As all this kept on going  Is when I created Rolling Panda.  I was using my art to disperse some of the pain I felt.  And Robert was  going to have me go a cool painting for  the gym.  I was doing alot of different things but really really wanted to get into taking photos at the revolution tournament. 

I talked to Spencer and Ryan and they where going to hook me up and let me photo them sparring.  This is the point when an attractive 19 year old in the gym added me to facebook.  We chatted a bit and I thought this would be an awesome opportunity to get her and Deedre and Katie to do sets of pictures on the mats doing different techniques.

But even I (not knowing I was aspie at the time) knew that you dont meet a girl and say .. hey can i take pics of you? So we chatted and talked and I asked her to help me paint my apt and I would provide ribs and rum.  Which is 100% totally wrong and illegal.   She said no.  Two days go by and that is when Robert approached me on the subject.

What I didn't know at the time is that Mindy and Robert have been chatting for months now and are actually dating.  She ahs told him she found teen porn on my computer.

"Did she?" .... she asked?

"I said she definitely found pop ups of it in the internet history.  But I can guarantee she never found any saved pictures on the hard drive.  The way that PORN works is that anyone 18 - 29 is considered "teen" porn to distinguish it from "granny" or "mature" 

But also you have to realize that Mindy has her self esteem issues and I was never allowed to look at attractive women on the internet.  Naked or otherwise.   Sport illustrated Swimsuit addition was considered off limits . .and she did not like me ever to make a comment about a female in her glamour or cosmo or fitness magazines. 

So Robert did what he thought was the best decision and kicked me from the gym.

1) he knew I dated a minor 17 years ago. 2) he knows I was texting a 19 yr old and offered her alcohol 3) he knows that mindy said there was teen porn on my computer 4) he knows that i was drinking way way tooooo much and 5) I had told him lies so that I would seem cool and over my wife that I was getting laid by all sorts of young hot women.

So you can see why he made his decision right?

"Yes"

and at this point I cant believe she is still following all this and not bored out of her mind.

And this is where it gets creepy ..

Do you know why I talk with guys and girls from 17 - 26?

"nope" she replies pretty quick.

"Because as you get older you dreams fade and change.  Now that I am old and divorced and not doing BJJ ... well I have no dreams and have no reason to go on.  So I like to talk to the youth .. most of them in the Army of in College and listen to their dreams.  I talk with people all over the world.  And I listen and learn and I get something from hearing there dreams.  I don't know if I think it will rub off and give me hope .. or what.   I don't ever meet them.  I don't intend on it.  But I am just weird I guess and just chat."

"Your not weird"

"... lol but you don't even know me.  You know I never leave my apt.  I am an old man and a shut in.  I go to work I go grocery shopping but I rarely leave because I am afraid of meeting my ex or my kids or my in laws or Robert.  My life is a while failure and because of my doing.  Over that last year as I get a better understanding of my disease I realize how terrible of a husband I was to Mindy.  And I realize I am not a good friend and that is why Robert never thought of me as a friend."

and that's it.  the truth.  I am weak and afraid and unsure of my desire to go on.  I have very few real relationships and even the ones that I have I shun because I don't want to go outside.  Ive lost my family my home my community.

and then there is a long long pause I think I bored her to sleep.

And she asks ... why dont ask my about my dreams?

so I did "What are your dreams?"

and she tells me she is getting is head start and trying for a AA then going into the Army and getting her Veterinary License.  All good things.  And I told her those were all noble pursuits.   I told her that I also thought her and her bother were good kids and they were good for the younger kids to look up too.  He mom is great and then ..

"you need to do me one more favour."

"??"

"and you cant tell no one." (I know I said this to some one I know would never be able to keep a secret) "but you need to forget we ever met.  You need to forget we talked tonight.  And you need not to ever bring up my name at the gym.  If you see my kids or ex don't mention me.  And just go about your life and do the best you can and become somebody.  Someone who changes the world who makes society better.  I don't want you to get in the middle of my battles and I don't want you have any problems with your training."

I really miss all the kids in the kids classes.  I would like to think that over the years at both Michael Rosen's School and At Robert I have made a difference in someones life and hopefully aimed them in the right direction.  I want all the kids in the kids class to grow up and become awesome parts of society.  I want them to have more self respect than I have for my self and more confidence and achieve more than I ever did.  I don't know how my ex ever mis understood this and thought I had sexual thoughts about any of my students.  And thought thought of it makes me sick. 


The truth I have learned with help form some good authors is not every one on the internet is bad .. but there is just enough to make it bad.  The reason I should not talk with girls under 28 is not because I am too old or too immature .. its because if they meet me and I am polite then  the next old man they meet will not have the same intentions ... and I have inadvertently taught them to keep their guards down. I need to protect others from harm .. even if that means I don't get to listen to their dreams.  I have started to apply this to males also. 




When I was separated I should have never lied to my friends.  I should have never pretended to be a ladies man or to act as if I was someone how more popular than I am.  But I have sooo often in my life been teased and bullied I just wanted people to think and treat me like I was normal. And now that I have been diagnosed ... I realize I am normal.  I am normal for an Aspie.

Im not sure if I can give it up.

Im not even sure what I am speaking of.

Today I went to a BJJ class.  The first one sing SEPT.  The first one since being kicked out of my family (my gym.)

I gave up Jiujitsu.  After training 20 years in martial arts after having dreams and after having them all destroyed ... 

I couldn't stay away.  It is more powerful than any drug to me.

Im not sure if I can give it up ...

But the truly pathetic thing about me .. and yes there are many.  I am soooo messed in the head as I watch two of the guys roll .. I am thinking of someone who I once thought was my friend.  I miss Rolling with Robert.  I loved bouncing odd ideas and getting his thoughts on things.

One of the last things he said to me is that he wished we would be able to roll more together.  I am not sure why I mistook this as friendship but I truly mis his .... whatever you call it.

And even thought he is in my wife.  And even tho they will be married soon.  Even after ejecting me from the gym .. and making monumental decisions for my children ... after all the anger and hate I felt ...

I am still so pathetic that I miss his friendship.

I remember once ..  when me and Melinda were having problems (she was Mindy back then) ... I got down on one knee and pledge to her to change and become the husband she needs and wants. .... Well she laughed at me.  And as I went to the other room to pout .. she texted Robert about saying that she felt bad for being pathetic and her laughing but she didn't know what to say.

And yet .. I still miss them both.

I think they all would just be happier if I left the state and paid child support from afar. 

At least she is finally happy when she is not on vacation.

If the Gi doesn’t fit.

When I was married my Ex used to say a quote.  And although I don’t remember exactly how she put it but it was basically... “if the hat don’t fit .. I’m not gonna wear it”

I always kind of understood the jest of it but it seems as I go through treatment it is becoming more and more clear.

Robert wrote me a letter once .. I will write my thought about it as it goes as not to take up to much space.

“Joey,

I find it troubling that you did not honor our appointment”

- I find it slightly ironic.  The man who is late to everything he does … starts off upset that I am an hour late to a “appointment” that was never given a specific time.

“, especially since it concerns such an important topic. I am now compelled to send you my decision via email instead of facing you as a man. This is not how this should have taken place. This is not how I move in the world.”

“As I told you yesterday, I have appreciated your contributions to the school. There are many things I like about you as a person. You have much to offer the world, if you decide to do so.

But these things alone do not excuse some of your actions or remove my larger concerns. You asked me yesterday why I had not mentioned Monica incident earlier. I told you that I was watching, that I judge men by their actions as I see them, even if their past indiscretions are as serious as yours were with Monica. Unfortunately, your actions with Hannah show me that I have reason to be concerned.

You targeted her by showing up for painting when you knew that she would be there. You approached her inappropriately on numerous levels. You lied to me about your contact with her.”

- You might need to talk to her. There where 4 people who hit on her at the gym. I was teaching a class only because you were late.  I was watching my kids and we came in to train.  After the class.. You showed up; Hannah asked me if we were going to stay and paint.  I must admit I thought that this was an offer, I thought she was asking for help.  SO we stayed.  If it is true that you have a copy of everything I ever typed to her then you know... I never asked her if she was single.  I never asked her on a date.  I asked her to help paint my apartment after she told me she had fun painting your gym.

You mentioned that you are dealing with issues concerning alcohol. While my heart goes out to you in your dealing with that, I believe you are fighting much greater demons in your attraction to young girls. Alcoholism is something we can work with; it is not against the law. The other is beyond me and even beyond most professionals. It is also against the law.

While it is true I had a minor issue with Alcohol... There are no demons.  There are only people and bullies.  Over the last year I have had to see shrink who’s deal with sexual issues.  I have taken exams, I have taken polygraphs.

The truth is yes .. I find Kate Upton attractive.  But despite what might have had over 17 years ago I have not broken any laws.  I have not seduced or stalked or “hit on” any minors.  I do not engage in underage pron.

Remember the person who is telling you this information about me also believed that masturbating was the equivalent to adultery.  And that I was not allowed to look at other women or compliment their looks.

“Your past has caught up with you and your current actions reveal that little has changed. From the legal and business perspectives, this is a liability I cannot afford. More importantly, my awarding anyone a black belt, however unofficial it might be deemed in some jiujitsu circles, is my open statement to the world that I trust not only your technique, but also your conduct as a man.

And while my gi and black belt may fit too loosely to be the best judge’s robes, I must do what I think is best for this community. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you you will not be promoted by me to black belt. It pains me immeasurably to also inform you that you will have to find another school with which to train.

Transitioning to another school as an upper level brown belt will certainly raise eyebrows, and I will do whatever I can to help ease that transition. If I am pressed on the issue, I will relate that I did not feel your actions with a new female white belt were appropriate.

I will not mention Monica or any of my greater concerns unless I become aware of any inappropriate behaviors on your part, including justifying your behavior, further inappropriate contact, or bad mouthing this school or anyone associated with it.

Joey, this has been one of the most gut wrenching and heart rending decisions I have ever had to make. I told you yesterday that this avalanche of difficult times in your life carries with it great opportunities to change and grow. I encourage you to discover these, embrace them, seek the help you need, and go forth and serve your Creator to the best of your ability.

Robert Owens”

And now … it is a year later.  I have been arrested.  I have been forced into treatment.  I wear a GPS ankle bracelet.  I have recovered from depression.   I guess I have a different experience.  Lets look at it from my eyes.

Robert and Melinda make a decision to take both the boys out of BJJ Olympia (Brazilian jujitsu is a sport)

Within the month Robert asks Joey to “get more training” in for his black-belt test and Robert re-assumes control of the children’s class.

Joe and Melinda Divorce Sept 15.  Robert and Melinda start dating however hide the details.

A 19 yr old at the gym is hit on by 4 individuals. 1 of them .. me is kicked from the gym.

Halloween.  I find out that Robert and Melinda are seeing each other.  I text Robert.  He admits to it however he says they did not have sex till the divorce was final.  He also tells me that Melinda has been feeding him information for several months to include telling him that I have young teen porn saved on my computer.  (The Chive, Maxim Magazine, GQ, Sports illustrated, plus random porn sites.)

3 days prior to thanksgiving.  After an argument with my Ex-wife, she calls the police because she is afraid for her life... And my life spirals deeper and deeper.

If I haven’t learned on thing in the last year it is that I need to take responsibility for what I have done wrong.

I had an inappropriate relationship with Monica.  I was a lousy husband to Mindy.  I drank too much, I talked too much, I acted emotional and in anger.  I offered a 19 yr old alcohol in exchange for work.  While I was married I looked at pornography even though it hurt my Wife.

But .. I did not use my rank as an instructor to try to force a relationship with her.  I did not stalk her.  I simply chatted with a girl who befriended me on Facebook.  We chatted just a few times and it was not at all deep.  I barely knew her and had not even made a determination on her or her character.

If the GI fit .. I would wear it.  I have done plenty wrong.  But not that.

But there is something much more important to me here.  Even more important that BJJ.  After knowing me for 6 years.  Seeing me with your kids, with your family at the gym. With everything I have ever done … what is more realistic?

I am awkward.  I make social errors.  I cannot read people well.  I don’t understand innuendos.  I make inappropriate jokes and comments.  I have inappropriate reactions and feelings to normal situations.  I misinterpret the importance of social interactions.  I mislabel people as friends who were actually acquaintances and I have an unreal expectation of morality of others.  I live by a strict structure, and often focus on small details that are often not seen important by others.  I fidget, tap, and don’t stand still.  I do repetitive movements with my hands and fingers and over my chin.

I know it was wrong to consider you a friend.  But you should have seen these symptoms over 5 years and put two and two together.  You were a teacher once.  You must have had experience with students like me.

I have been bullied all my life.  I never expected it from my wife and a close friend.

And now I sit here on father’s day.  Knowing that I am restricted from my kids and that you are engaged and moving into their life.  I wonder... What kind of man are you and what kind of man has Melinda chosen?

I was not good for her.  She has an Aspie son and didn’t need an Aspie husband.  But just because I was a bad husband does not mean you will be better.  If you can’t recognize and work with my on my Aspie nature... How are you going to interact with my Aspie son?

I am guilty of so many things.  One of them is considering you a friend of ethical stature.  But as far as the whole Hannah thing.  If the Gi doesn’t fit I will not wear it.

No Fathers Day for me.

Well it looks like .. as I suspected.  My kids are away with there mother and their new dad.  I will not see them.  I will not hear from them.  They prob have been told so many lies about me.

It makes me feels weak in my heart.  I miss my kids so very much.

I am going to sleep.

getting up

you would think with all the years I have done in the Martial Arts you would think I would know more about getting back up.  But I am a very slow learner.

I am reading a book about a POW.  I have been reading up on people who have lost everything and continued to fight on.

My plan is to hope that by reading their struggles I can realize how minimal mine are and that I can recover faster.  I am thru with the depression and am just trying to get back on my feet.

I was betrayed and lost all my friends, family, and possessions.  But for some of the prisoners of war
not only did they loose the same but they continued to be mal treated and suffer terrible terrible mental anguish.

I however am left alone. 


quiet is good for my aspie side.  it allows me to re create structure and get back up.

Happy Fathers Day!!

not sure why.  it could be the heat.  it could have been the long day at drill. it could be that i am taking a lower dose of hormones .. but sometimes lately i get a little more emotional than I feel comfortable with.

today at costco i was walking in my army uniform around and there is an artist who makes cut steel art like my father does.  i stopped to talk with her about her art and out of the middle of no where a little guy grabbed my leg and when i looked down it was a little boy who looked the spitting image of Zac at age 3.

he grabbed my leg and called me daddy.  And I am not sure what my look on my face was but the grandma grabbed him and so no johnson that is not daddy.  johnson's mommy came up to me and apologized and explained that daddy has been away at war (afganistan) for 10 months now.

i told her that i had a son who looked just like him and that they will be so happy when daddy is back and it will be soon.  she told me that i have no idea how hard it is upon them.

i said that it is probably hard on dad to and excused myself to go thru the store. 

i tried my best to hold back the tears in my eye.  because i truly did have an idea how hard it was

not sure why this hit me so hard  i am sure my children are fine and prob wont even ask about me on father's day.  most public school don't even have the kids make anything anymore for father's day.

i try to re assure my self the kids will be fine.  they have a grandpa and a robert they don't need a daddy anymore.  hell they don't even call me daddy anymore.

im unsure how i will feel tomorrow

best wishes to all the daddy's out there who are allowed to see there kids.

I want you to want to …

That’s what she said to me. SO so many times.  Its not enough that I did the things she asked. …. But she wanted me to want to do them.  And I believed her.  And she believed herself.

But none of it was true.

I think the most important thing that I learned about being in a relationship is that when you are single you are just that... single.  But when you are married you are half the part of a relationship.  Together you both decide who you are.  Combined. Who you want to be combined.  And when she told me she wanted to find out who she was... this was her way of saying she was done being us.

I can’t fault her for that.  But just as she left and needed to find out who she was... I am now having to learn who I am.  I am not the same person as I was 14 years ago.  But I don’t know who I am either.

When she told me she wanted me to want to; I was not sure initially what she meant by that.  But as the relationship progressed I learned a lot of things.  As relationships continue you sacrifice who you are.  You sacrifice dreams you had, and you make a mental decision to change to who you both want you both to become.

Certain things are more difficult than other things.  I learned easily that I need to say a greeting to her when I entered the house.  While other things... like masturbation proved much, much more difficult to change.  I tried several times to quit.  And throughout the relationship I was able to make it about 6 month without masturbating.  But the instinct and my lack of moral belief in quitting failed me.  I guess I never saw masturbation as adultery like she did.  And although I knew it was painful to her (and therefore myself too) I was unable to quit permanently.  And then I would be filled with guilt afterward because I know I did something that would hurt her and therefore our relationship.

But it wasn’t that I didn’t want to change.  I wanted to. I wanted to want to. But when she told me she wanted me to want to... what she meant is that she wanted to me do an action without having to make a mental choice to do the act to better our relationship.  She wanted me to perform an action because it was my intrinsic nature.

Certain things I do in my nature are not helpful for a relationship.  I enjoy silence.  I zone out for long periods of time.  I am terrible at communicating simple thoughts.  I am unable to interpret complex emotions based upon facial expression or innuendo.  I tried very hard to change and become what we both wanted us to become. 

But she was right … I was trying to change because I wanted her/us to be happy.  Not because I thought it was the correct thing to do or my nature to do so.

She once was hurt that I gave her slim fast for Christmas.  It took me four years to understand what I had done wrong.  I truly believe had I been diagnosed earlier we could have figured out a way for to correct my faults and not to be so awkward.

But no woman should have to be stuck in a home with two people with Aspergers.

And now alone I need to find out who I am.

Who am I?   Maybe that is a topic for another time.  All I know is what I can take from my past relationships. 

Actions speak louder than words.  Intentions never matter.  Devotion can be seen directly by amount of time spent together.

And not that you should want to want to … you should simple do it because it is your nature to do it.  Doing something just because it pleases her ends up being hollow in the end.