So how it starts

So I guess before I get to far ... I should explain some things.  To me; it is all self evident because it repeats in my head daily.  But for the reader (it look like I had 2 yesterday) who is not scared off and loves to watch a good car accident .. here ya go

you can check this out if you desire

http://www.psychforums.com/asperger-syndrome/topic102799.html

but in short it does like this :

17 yrs ago I date a 15 yr old when I was 23. We dated for 3.5 years. I have always felt extreme guilt over this.
Oct 25 1998 start training Brazilian Jiujitsu
Oct 2012 As a reservist I am mobilized to a hospital near bye
Jan my Wife of 10 years moves out.
Jun 13, 2 days before my 11nth anniversary I slept with a 22 yr old female.
Jan 14 forced to sign the divorce papers by Wife
work gets very short staffed, the NCOEs take up a lot of the slack.
I start working irregular shifts, irregular hours and over 55+ hours a week.
start heavy use of alcohol to work with issues and sleep
Aug seek treatment from my endocrinologist for severe exhaustion
prescribed a sleep study; results moderate to severe sleep apnea.
at this point I am drinking 3 fifths of Rum a week.
sep 14 I find out that my orders were somehow messed up and that I had stopped being paid for the last 30 days of work for the Army. Start to economic troubles.
While drunk I plan to kill myself and send message to my Wife explaining that I am leaving and that she could have all the property in the divorce. I stand for 3 hours drunk chest deep in a lake in a rain trying to convince myself to drown myself.
that Wednesday while drunk I am asked to sign some documents for the future divorce. I do so without reading them and am told the wrong date about when the divorce preceding.
My instructor at my martial arts gym who i spend over 20 hours a week with kicks me out of the gym becasue I ask a 19 yr old student to assist me with painting my apartment. At that time he tells me I am kicked out because he thinks I am a pedophile.
8 days later while Sober I text to find out at what time the divorce is on thurs .. and she relpies we are already divorced and it was last week.
the divorce leaves me 100% of all debt and her 100% of all assets with her having majority custody of the kids.
I seek out therapy for depression and pedophilia.
diagnosed high functioning aspie with severe obsessive components and suffering from severe depression
In a last ditch effort I ask the two most important people in my life to assist me with my treatment. The only two people who think I am a pedophile. My instructor and my ex wife.
treatment reveals severe obsession with Paraphilia issues with severe guilt about an inappropriate relationship 17 years ago.
no other issues discovered, apart from a severe hatred of pedophiles and obsession with researching literature and pedophile crimes.
Oct 21 Halloween night. My x wife asks me to join her and the kids to trick or treating. I found that night that she is sleeping and in a relationship with my ex jiujitsu instructor.
I start dealing with anger during therapy. I am filled with severe anger.
4 days prior to thanksgiving my X wife gets in an argument with my Mother and stops disallows my mother visitation to her grandchildren.
I attempt to sit down with X wife and discuss her not following the parenting plan.
he keeps derailing the conversation talking about emotional personal issue about are past.
She lashes out in a comment meant to hurt me; and out of anger and desperation I splash less than a half of cup of water in here face to stop her from saying hurtful things.
Later than night I am arrested and taken to jail for Domestic Violence and assault. I am given a restraining order not to contact my X wife.
Thanksgiving I am served with a protection order keeping me away from my children.
Nov 3 2012 I turn 40 years old. I pace in my apt in the dark with scented candles for 6 hours. I can not stop the compulsions or the conversations in my head so I take over 30 prozac and a whole bottle of my sleeping pills.
Nov 4th I wake up, sick but alive.
I go to court Dec 5th and am told I need to comply with the court and take a $600 evaluation for violence. this must be completed if I ever want visitation with my two children. I am severely in debt, I pay over 50% of my paycheck to child support and I can barely pay most my bills.
My two children are my only reason to live.
Last night I sit in a dark room for 4 hours holding my sons blanket trying to smell to the blanket and remember what my kids were like.
I post a post on craglists giving people my address and explaining that I leave the doors unlocked and am looking for someone to kill me. In exchange for the death I provide them with a list of all my valuables and have a signed title to my truck on the kitchen table.
No one takes me up on the offer. I wake up this morning alive. The doors are still unlocked.


So anyway the police came and pulled me from my home.  Locked me up for a 24 hour eval in which they determined I am sane, poor, and sad.

The police said I should not post my feelings on line.  People might misread them.

But this is how a man of 39 can go down a rabbit hole and wind up on the other side .. without a home, family, kids, friends, money, or a gym.