How fucking pathetic and selfish are you.

I dont have a lot of time to write right now.  But I want to just put it out there.

I talked with a friend of mine at work today.  over a subway sandwich.  Meatball w/ pepperjack cheese.

And I knew about what he was getting thru but I was trying to convey my feelings to him.

Hes is younger than me.  He was forced out of the military 2 months ago.  He has 100% medical disability.  He works part time as much as he can take just because he wants social interaction.

He younger than 40 and the doctors have given him less than 6 months to live.  That was 5 months ago.

He has a beautiful wife and two beautiful children.  Just like my boys 10 and 6 .. but they are his little girls.  The type of girl that when daddy talks about her you can see in his eye how precious they are.

He asked me how I have been and what I did for Christmas .. and what I got my kids.  I didnt say we were to close .. i just said he is a friend.

I told him that I am divorced.  I am not training BJJ. I am restrained from seeing my children or even getting the gifts.  I have been suffering from depression for the last 9 months and have failed at killing myself twice.

And then I commented on the irony.  How fucking pathetic is it that I a man with nothing to live for cant even manage to take my own life and you a man with everything to live for can't find a way to live.

He didn't laugh; or crack a smile.  I didnt know if I was being rude or if I made a social mistake.

He said how fucking pathetic and selfish are you?  I would give everything I own to keep on living and to raise my family; and you are willing to throw it away?  Do you want your boys to grow up without a father? 

He is a smart man.  I should take heed on what he says.  I have a lot to re evaluate.

This much is certain.  he does not deserve to die.  My children do not deserve a father who is so weak he would rather die then live a life full of hardship.  I do not deserve friends or children like I have.