So alot of my acquaintances are really enjoying this story; so I thought I would share it here for your possible enjoyment.
The
other day I got off work a lil early and decided to go to wallmart.
After weaving thru the maze and getting the needed supplies I proceeded
to checkout.
For me deciding what to eat is often a huge task. I dont know why.
But for December Subway has been selling sandwiches for $2; being that I am poor this is a perfect utilization of assets.
While
standing in line for getting my sandwich I realized there has alot of
change at this subway. Half of the business is seemed to be joint owned
by another company (kinda like the pizza hut taco bell combos) I make
notice to the lady behind the counter and she explains to me that it has
been changing since last October.
I mean who doesn't enjoy a
pretzel every once in a while I think it is a good addition and for that
populace will make a great deal of money.
There is a young
man of mid 20s standing there on the Pretzel side. he seems happy and
and joins in with our mundane conversation. He explains to me what
seems to sell and what seems to be to others people likening.
I
attempt to be polite by giving a fake smile and telling him that I will
make sure to get a pretzel next time; but not this time because my
sandwich is already half made.
He smiles and makes eye contact with me and asks .... "So are you a salty or sweet type of guy??"
So in my typical Aspie brain I reply "Oh sorry no I am not single and actually I am straight."
at that point. he gave me a bizarre look. you know the type of look everyone gives you when you fart in an elevator ..... ?
At
that point .. i realize he want not actually hitting on me or asking me
out but rather he was attempting to offer me a free sample and wanted
to know whether I liked sugar or salt on my piece of pretzel.
At
this point I am sure the lady making my sandwich could see that I had
embarrassed myself so she kind of quickly piped in and said something
irrelevant and obvious to fill that annoying silence. So this is all
for you .... could I offer you chips and a drink to make it a meal?
I
appreciated that she attempted to cover for my social blunder and I
take this down as a personal lesson ... Not every guy who asks you if
you are sweet or salty is a homosexual trying to hit on you; sometimes
they are just offering free samples of pretzels!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
How fucking pathetic and selfish are you.
I dont have a lot of time to write right now. But I want to just put it out there.
I talked with a friend of mine at work today. over a subway sandwich. Meatball w/ pepperjack cheese.
And I knew about what he was getting thru but I was trying to convey my feelings to him.
Hes is younger than me. He was forced out of the military 2 months ago. He has 100% medical disability. He works part time as much as he can take just because he wants social interaction.
He younger than 40 and the doctors have given him less than 6 months to live. That was 5 months ago.
He has a beautiful wife and two beautiful children. Just like my boys 10 and 6 .. but they are his little girls. The type of girl that when daddy talks about her you can see in his eye how precious they are.
He asked me how I have been and what I did for Christmas .. and what I got my kids. I didnt say we were to close .. i just said he is a friend.
I told him that I am divorced. I am not training BJJ. I am restrained from seeing my children or even getting the gifts. I have been suffering from depression for the last 9 months and have failed at killing myself twice.
And then I commented on the irony. How fucking pathetic is it that I a man with nothing to live for cant even manage to take my own life and you a man with everything to live for can't find a way to live.
He didn't laugh; or crack a smile. I didnt know if I was being rude or if I made a social mistake.
He said how fucking pathetic and selfish are you? I would give everything I own to keep on living and to raise my family; and you are willing to throw it away? Do you want your boys to grow up without a father?
He is a smart man. I should take heed on what he says. I have a lot to re evaluate.
This much is certain. he does not deserve to die. My children do not deserve a father who is so weak he would rather die then live a life full of hardship. I do not deserve friends or children like I have.
I talked with a friend of mine at work today. over a subway sandwich. Meatball w/ pepperjack cheese.
And I knew about what he was getting thru but I was trying to convey my feelings to him.
Hes is younger than me. He was forced out of the military 2 months ago. He has 100% medical disability. He works part time as much as he can take just because he wants social interaction.
He younger than 40 and the doctors have given him less than 6 months to live. That was 5 months ago.
He has a beautiful wife and two beautiful children. Just like my boys 10 and 6 .. but they are his little girls. The type of girl that when daddy talks about her you can see in his eye how precious they are.
He asked me how I have been and what I did for Christmas .. and what I got my kids. I didnt say we were to close .. i just said he is a friend.
I told him that I am divorced. I am not training BJJ. I am restrained from seeing my children or even getting the gifts. I have been suffering from depression for the last 9 months and have failed at killing myself twice.
And then I commented on the irony. How fucking pathetic is it that I a man with nothing to live for cant even manage to take my own life and you a man with everything to live for can't find a way to live.
He didn't laugh; or crack a smile. I didnt know if I was being rude or if I made a social mistake.
He said how fucking pathetic and selfish are you? I would give everything I own to keep on living and to raise my family; and you are willing to throw it away? Do you want your boys to grow up without a father?
He is a smart man. I should take heed on what he says. I have a lot to re evaluate.
This much is certain. he does not deserve to die. My children do not deserve a father who is so weak he would rather die then live a life full of hardship. I do not deserve friends or children like I have.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Is it all Aspie?
When I think about my past I see several things I wish I could change and take back. I am never so proud to say that I would never change a thing because I think with what I know now I could have done better.
Aspie to me is not an excuse it simply means that I unfortunately have to always learn the hard way.
But could the Birth of Melinda be avoided?
When I met Mindy she was special. She was sweet and a gift to the world. She was an optimist, sunshine poured from her smile, and darkness fled from her laughter.
But like a callous ... the skin that meets the most resistance is the skin to get ugly hard and cold.
I do not try to use people. I do not try to manipulate people; however in an effort to learn a lesson I have been known from time to time to set up a situation as a trial to test out hypothesis and see if predicted consequences will become true.
I never set out to harm Mindy. I never set out to abuse her. But I think when you take a girl who is so situated in the mix of people beliefs and feelings and you place her near me .. I get curious. And as I invest in this curiosity I think I test and I trial and I too often cross examine.
There are few fish in the world that are like the African Cichlids. These fish although beautiful and agile tend to work best together. They like austere environments and often tear up vegetation planted near them. they dig out a space to there own and live in it and protect it. They are very territorial and there entire life is spent disputing with the others of its species. They do not really attempt to harm or kill each other during territorial battles but its like a boxing gym. there is a hierarchy of the alpha male and they are always sparing and competing to keep that order. And with time the younger will replace the old .. and the stronger will replace the sick.
I think the way that I live and the cynical way that I question things hurt Mindy. I think my outlook and realism shattered her fairy tale and brought her to a cold cold world. She always claimed that the Army was never gonna break her or destroy her rosey outlook on life. And the Army never did ... I blame myself for that mistake.
It is hard for a neuro typical to exist daily paired up with someone who criticizes and critiques and argues every single point. I dont argue to argue and she always claimed. I argue to learn. But in my learning I took her and tarnished her gleam.
My obsessions are what hurt her the most. And as she liked to say "I knew what she was when I picked her up." ... but she was so young and naive and I was un diagnosed and no one could prepare her for what I had in store.
For someone who cares what others think its hard to be married to a social retard. For someone who is a social butterfly it is hard to be married to someone who like to be a hermit. For someone who needs compliments daily and positive reaffirmation ... Logic is not your truest friend.
From the get go .. I explained to her that I am available Fri night after 8 all day Sat and Sun after 2. What she did not realize was it was not because I had a hobby. I had an obsession. I have trained in the Martial arts since 1989. And even before that I had always asked to train. And even now as I haven't trained for the last two months .. I am still plague with the obsession and read and watch videos on that subject for at least 2 hours a night.
When I was young .. there was no internet. There was only Encyclopedia Britannica. And along with Tracey Stevens (male) those two would remain my best friends for most of my fundamental years.
When I found out about the internet. I was amazed. It was better than the best rum; it was smoother than the finest silk sheets. If was water. Glorious Glorious water.
Do you know why Autistics like to swim? not a joke but for real? Its because when you have hyper sensitive senses that when you are placed into a liquid substrate it numbs the senses down and calms the nerves. You hear so much less underwater. You dont feel any of the sharp edges of your Levis jeans or the t shirt tag. No one has bad breath under water!! It is the perfect place that allows you to calm and the voices in your head to slow down. The renumerations tend to slow and you tend to think more neuro typical.
While I am not a true autistic ... the internet is like water. All the social inadequacies I feel in real life; all the inadequate understanding of social queues; and all the abstract responses to simple questions are all masked online. The anonymity deadens the senses.
For a woman who communicates obsessively by mouth to be paired with a man who prefers a keyboard has got to eat away at your heart.
It took me ten years with Melinda to learn that when I did not give her undivided attention she assumed it was because she was not my priority.
I still dont know why people think this but everyone I have talked with tell me of course .. that how everyone feels. I have no idea why; and I find that people do not value multi tasking in romantic relationship. I am not talking about dating multiples but .. my current girlfriend detests if I read or text while we are talking how her day went.
I guess I should thank Melinda for letting me learn from her emotions for the last 10 years. And although she did not enjoy our marriage I will always think of it as one of the greatest times in my life. Because when was searching on the internet I loved her. As I trained Brazilian Jiujitsu I loved her. When I fall asleep as she talked with me I loved her.
But she felt differently. She was never convinced how I felt towards her till the divorce. Because when I was on the internet I was showing her I valued other people opinions more. When I was training BJJ I valued my hobbies over our relationship. Because when I fell asleep I was bored with her and didnt care about her needs.
So is it all the Aspie? is this a common misconception between men and women?
I think maybe many people experience some of these issues to maybe a minor degree; unfortunately I learn everything the hard way.
All I can do know is move on with my life and be thankful for what I have learned.
Aspie to me is not an excuse it simply means that I unfortunately have to always learn the hard way.
But could the Birth of Melinda be avoided?
When I met Mindy she was special. She was sweet and a gift to the world. She was an optimist, sunshine poured from her smile, and darkness fled from her laughter.
But like a callous ... the skin that meets the most resistance is the skin to get ugly hard and cold.
I do not try to use people. I do not try to manipulate people; however in an effort to learn a lesson I have been known from time to time to set up a situation as a trial to test out hypothesis and see if predicted consequences will become true.
I never set out to harm Mindy. I never set out to abuse her. But I think when you take a girl who is so situated in the mix of people beliefs and feelings and you place her near me .. I get curious. And as I invest in this curiosity I think I test and I trial and I too often cross examine.
There are few fish in the world that are like the African Cichlids. These fish although beautiful and agile tend to work best together. They like austere environments and often tear up vegetation planted near them. they dig out a space to there own and live in it and protect it. They are very territorial and there entire life is spent disputing with the others of its species. They do not really attempt to harm or kill each other during territorial battles but its like a boxing gym. there is a hierarchy of the alpha male and they are always sparing and competing to keep that order. And with time the younger will replace the old .. and the stronger will replace the sick.
I think the way that I live and the cynical way that I question things hurt Mindy. I think my outlook and realism shattered her fairy tale and brought her to a cold cold world. She always claimed that the Army was never gonna break her or destroy her rosey outlook on life. And the Army never did ... I blame myself for that mistake.
It is hard for a neuro typical to exist daily paired up with someone who criticizes and critiques and argues every single point. I dont argue to argue and she always claimed. I argue to learn. But in my learning I took her and tarnished her gleam.
My obsessions are what hurt her the most. And as she liked to say "I knew what she was when I picked her up." ... but she was so young and naive and I was un diagnosed and no one could prepare her for what I had in store.
For someone who cares what others think its hard to be married to a social retard. For someone who is a social butterfly it is hard to be married to someone who like to be a hermit. For someone who needs compliments daily and positive reaffirmation ... Logic is not your truest friend.
From the get go .. I explained to her that I am available Fri night after 8 all day Sat and Sun after 2. What she did not realize was it was not because I had a hobby. I had an obsession. I have trained in the Martial arts since 1989. And even before that I had always asked to train. And even now as I haven't trained for the last two months .. I am still plague with the obsession and read and watch videos on that subject for at least 2 hours a night.
When I was young .. there was no internet. There was only Encyclopedia Britannica. And along with Tracey Stevens (male) those two would remain my best friends for most of my fundamental years.
When I found out about the internet. I was amazed. It was better than the best rum; it was smoother than the finest silk sheets. If was water. Glorious Glorious water.
Do you know why Autistics like to swim? not a joke but for real? Its because when you have hyper sensitive senses that when you are placed into a liquid substrate it numbs the senses down and calms the nerves. You hear so much less underwater. You dont feel any of the sharp edges of your Levis jeans or the t shirt tag. No one has bad breath under water!! It is the perfect place that allows you to calm and the voices in your head to slow down. The renumerations tend to slow and you tend to think more neuro typical.
While I am not a true autistic ... the internet is like water. All the social inadequacies I feel in real life; all the inadequate understanding of social queues; and all the abstract responses to simple questions are all masked online. The anonymity deadens the senses.
For a woman who communicates obsessively by mouth to be paired with a man who prefers a keyboard has got to eat away at your heart.
It took me ten years with Melinda to learn that when I did not give her undivided attention she assumed it was because she was not my priority.
I still dont know why people think this but everyone I have talked with tell me of course .. that how everyone feels. I have no idea why; and I find that people do not value multi tasking in romantic relationship. I am not talking about dating multiples but .. my current girlfriend detests if I read or text while we are talking how her day went.
I guess I should thank Melinda for letting me learn from her emotions for the last 10 years. And although she did not enjoy our marriage I will always think of it as one of the greatest times in my life. Because when was searching on the internet I loved her. As I trained Brazilian Jiujitsu I loved her. When I fall asleep as she talked with me I loved her.
But she felt differently. She was never convinced how I felt towards her till the divorce. Because when I was on the internet I was showing her I valued other people opinions more. When I was training BJJ I valued my hobbies over our relationship. Because when I fell asleep I was bored with her and didnt care about her needs.
So is it all the Aspie? is this a common misconception between men and women?
I think maybe many people experience some of these issues to maybe a minor degree; unfortunately I learn everything the hard way.
All I can do know is move on with my life and be thankful for what I have learned.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Mindy and Anal Sex
Not everyone understand computers. Not everyone understands the internet. And evidently not everyone understand Pop-ups.
Before my marriage ended my X in a last ditch attempt to make thing exciting ask me to have anal sex with her. It was not great. Not my cup of tea persee, but I had a feeling she was into it.
When we had finished she act like she had given me such a gift and asked .. "SO well did you like it?"
I tried to be polite and say it was not really my thing. But I would do it if she wanted me too. She said it wasn't her thing either.
Then why? Why did you want to try this?
She replied.....
When I was searching you internet history it showed that you were watching Anal Porn. So I thought that is what you wanted.
And in my head I am thinking ... No no .. I never wanted it.
So I asked her .. Do you know what a pop up is? Do you realize that the internet explorer throws all sorts of add at you when you browse porn and even if you do not watch a video it still shows up in your internet browser history that you visited that site.
By searching my internet history you have no idea how long I spent on a certain page; if it was my choice to go to that page or if I liked what I found on that page.
She should have prob just asked me what I liked .. but that might have been to simple.
For the record Melinda/ Mindy did not approve of Porn or of masturbation and it was one of the reasons she ended the marriage. I dont know why I stayed married or why I wanted to stay married with a woman who always tried to control if and when I masturbated. It always seemed like a thing to me a thing that a wife should not be in charge of; kind of like when or when I chose to use the bathroom .... but I guess thats just me.
Before my marriage ended my X in a last ditch attempt to make thing exciting ask me to have anal sex with her. It was not great. Not my cup of tea persee, but I had a feeling she was into it.
When we had finished she act like she had given me such a gift and asked .. "SO well did you like it?"
I tried to be polite and say it was not really my thing. But I would do it if she wanted me too. She said it wasn't her thing either.
Then why? Why did you want to try this?
She replied.....
When I was searching you internet history it showed that you were watching Anal Porn. So I thought that is what you wanted.
And in my head I am thinking ... No no .. I never wanted it.
So I asked her .. Do you know what a pop up is? Do you realize that the internet explorer throws all sorts of add at you when you browse porn and even if you do not watch a video it still shows up in your internet browser history that you visited that site.
By searching my internet history you have no idea how long I spent on a certain page; if it was my choice to go to that page or if I liked what I found on that page.
She should have prob just asked me what I liked .. but that might have been to simple.
For the record Melinda/ Mindy did not approve of Porn or of masturbation and it was one of the reasons she ended the marriage. I dont know why I stayed married or why I wanted to stay married with a woman who always tried to control if and when I masturbated. It always seemed like a thing to me a thing that a wife should not be in charge of; kind of like when or when I chose to use the bathroom .... but I guess thats just me.
Humour and the pain it brings.
I have always found that the reason that certain humour is liked more so than others is that each individual who hears it can have it resonate on something painful in their past and the irony rings funny to them.
The key is to get the joke to ring to the masses. A good comedian can make their joke ring to larger amounts of people. A joke about stepping on Legos can be hilarious if you have ever had little boys and when you go into their room at night to give them a hug and that jagged little instrument of pain gouges you on the sole of a foot.
My humour may not ring as true to all. Maybe if you have been betrayed, maybe if your significant other has cheated on you, maybe if you have ever had $40,000 stolen, maybe if you have ever been denied rights to see you own children.
Its ok if you dont find my humour funny. I do and it is therapeutic.
Many of these I have posted over the months on facebook. Here is where I leave my humour to rest:
___________________________________________________________
How does one explain to your kids that the old man at the gym who used to tap daddy ... is now coming home for dinner and tonight is gonna tap mommy?
So splashing water on you is assault IV? Funny you didnt mind random guys throwing water on you at tiki bobs when you were out drunk competing in that wet T shirt contest.
Today I feel sick. I dont know maybe it was something I ate. I had some old sausage last night. Now my stomach is turning and sick. I wonder if this is how Melinda feels going down on a geriatric man?
So tell me how it is OK to date a girl 18 years younger than you who is still married but it is wrong for me to hang out with a single girl who is 20 years younger.
So tell me how I am a bad parent for making California Stops at stops signs but you are the world best parent even tho you give you kids Melatonin so you can get them to fall asleep early so you and your swinging friends can get named and drunk in a hot tub.
The key is to get the joke to ring to the masses. A good comedian can make their joke ring to larger amounts of people. A joke about stepping on Legos can be hilarious if you have ever had little boys and when you go into their room at night to give them a hug and that jagged little instrument of pain gouges you on the sole of a foot.
My humour may not ring as true to all. Maybe if you have been betrayed, maybe if your significant other has cheated on you, maybe if you have ever had $40,000 stolen, maybe if you have ever been denied rights to see you own children.
Its ok if you dont find my humour funny. I do and it is therapeutic.
Many of these I have posted over the months on facebook. Here is where I leave my humour to rest:
___________________________________________________________
How does one explain to your kids that the old man at the gym who used to tap daddy ... is now coming home for dinner and tonight is gonna tap mommy?
So splashing water on you is assault IV? Funny you didnt mind random guys throwing water on you at tiki bobs when you were out drunk competing in that wet T shirt contest.
Today I feel sick. I dont know maybe it was something I ate. I had some old sausage last night. Now my stomach is turning and sick. I wonder if this is how Melinda feels going down on a geriatric man?
So tell me how it is OK to date a girl 18 years younger than you who is still married but it is wrong for me to hang out with a single girl who is 20 years younger.
So tell me how I am a bad parent for making California Stops at stops signs but you are the world best parent even tho you give you kids Melatonin so you can get them to fall asleep early so you and your swinging friends can get named and drunk in a hot tub.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Whats in a name?
I dont get it. At least I dont get it yet. Why change the name?
Robert just fired all his Crossfit instructors at his gym. I do not claim to know the ins and outs of the whole argument but sometimes a small business is a hard thing to run as a friendly person. he saw a need so he did the deed. I dont blame him for doing so I may have very will did the same thing. But after that the issue of the name of Crossfit Olympia cam into play. I guess when he had his employee get the business license from Crossfit it somehow gave her the rights over the name of that "gym" entity.
So easy fix. I guess he just changed the name. people enjoy the same great workout no one really cares what the name is do they?
But what happens when a name changes you?
I met a Mindy Crump once. I asked her to be my wife and she became a Mindy Reese. When she divorced me she became a Melinda Crump. Hell she even changed her middle name so its no longer the same as her fathers.
But why change?
When Melinda was young in the marriage her photobucket got hacked (or she might of left it unlocked and anyway nudes are floating around the internet of her as ###########. So I guess I could understand why she would want to change her name for that maybe; but in reality she had nothing to be embarrassed about. When she was young she was quiet attractive. I could also understand she doesnt want that name associated with her Career at Armada too. But in reality do most people in busnisess ever stalk people like that and would it really change their perception of her? Hell she flirt with alot of her clients just to get business .. I really dont think them knowing of pics would harm her sales.
So why change it? Was it to show the world that she was too good for my name? Was it to mark a change in her life?
I really dont know what is in a name .. But I keep hearing the lines from Romeo and Juliet in my head.
The truth is ... there was a point when I loved a Mindy. And when that Mindy changed into a Melinda she changed. Maybe shes it for the better. But I see it as a distinct moment in our relationship where she chose instead of a intimate relationship with me .. she chose to share personal information about me to other people in an effort to get them to align with her. Melinda was born from my desire to try to get a marriage to succeed and from her desire to collect evidence against me. Even when I did not have her as a friend on facebook she found a way to get on a freinds account and copy and save posts that I have made .. in the event she would need them in the future.
When someone starts threatening divorce. The relationship is over. When you move out ... the relationship is over. When you start sharing personal information and secrets of an individual who trusted you completely with others half haphazardly the relationship is over.
I see a change in her from Mindy to Melinda. So I see them as two distinctly different individuals. I will always love that Mindy. But it sickens me my children are forced to be raised my Melinda.
Robert just fired all his Crossfit instructors at his gym. I do not claim to know the ins and outs of the whole argument but sometimes a small business is a hard thing to run as a friendly person. he saw a need so he did the deed. I dont blame him for doing so I may have very will did the same thing. But after that the issue of the name of Crossfit Olympia cam into play. I guess when he had his employee get the business license from Crossfit it somehow gave her the rights over the name of that "gym" entity.
So easy fix. I guess he just changed the name. people enjoy the same great workout no one really cares what the name is do they?
But what happens when a name changes you?
I met a Mindy Crump once. I asked her to be my wife and she became a Mindy Reese. When she divorced me she became a Melinda Crump. Hell she even changed her middle name so its no longer the same as her fathers.
But why change?
When Melinda was young in the marriage her photobucket got hacked (or she might of left it unlocked and anyway nudes are floating around the internet of her as ###########. So I guess I could understand why she would want to change her name for that maybe; but in reality she had nothing to be embarrassed about. When she was young she was quiet attractive. I could also understand she doesnt want that name associated with her Career at Armada too. But in reality do most people in busnisess ever stalk people like that and would it really change their perception of her? Hell she flirt with alot of her clients just to get business .. I really dont think them knowing of pics would harm her sales.
So why change it? Was it to show the world that she was too good for my name? Was it to mark a change in her life?
I really dont know what is in a name .. But I keep hearing the lines from Romeo and Juliet in my head.
The truth is ... there was a point when I loved a Mindy. And when that Mindy changed into a Melinda she changed. Maybe shes it for the better. But I see it as a distinct moment in our relationship where she chose instead of a intimate relationship with me .. she chose to share personal information about me to other people in an effort to get them to align with her. Melinda was born from my desire to try to get a marriage to succeed and from her desire to collect evidence against me. Even when I did not have her as a friend on facebook she found a way to get on a freinds account and copy and save posts that I have made .. in the event she would need them in the future.
When someone starts threatening divorce. The relationship is over. When you move out ... the relationship is over. When you start sharing personal information and secrets of an individual who trusted you completely with others half haphazardly the relationship is over.
I see a change in her from Mindy to Melinda. So I see them as two distinctly different individuals. I will always love that Mindy. But it sickens me my children are forced to be raised my Melinda.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Nightmares ...
So on Christmas I worked .... from 7 PM on the 24th till 7 AM on the 25th. Christmas was a pretty sad day I guess.
But I woke up with such a huge outpouring of emotion (not the norm for me)
In my dream I was walking in Yaeger park taking pictures of the recent snow fall. I saw Melinda and the Kids walking to me and She didnt notice me. And as they got real close she turns and lookos up at me and says "oops."
I looked at my boys who looked up at me and looked so happy and wanted me to say something ... and I looked at her and said why are you doing this .. its illegal for me to seem them.
And then out of nowhere it seemed liked I missed them so much that all this energy build up in my lungs .. and I couldn't breathe and as I gasped for breathe I woke up with a huge amount of moisture pouring from my face and all down my pillow.
I dont normally cry in such a manner but when I woke I could not see do to the tears. I wiped my face and looked around my surrounding realizing it was a dream I got a drink of water .. changed shirts and went back to bed.
_______________________________________________
I have been troubled some time from nightmares. I believe it to be my subconscious mind trying to sort things out.
There are a few common themes in my Dreams.
My X Mother in Law is in trouble and I cant help her. (last week it was a bear attack)
My Children (who I am restrained from seeing because I am sad) are lost or hurt and I can do nothing to help them.
And the other is slightly more calm. its about Robert. I have always trusted him and thought of him as a friend .. but as we talk about nothing in particular he decides to get up walk behind me or beside me and stab me in the back or start to kill me in some sort of violent way.
The last one re occurs with more and more frequency but its strange that it always seems to be something new and inventive on how is harms me.
I desperately need to leave this town.
Olympia Washington has a lot of great things but I cant stay here with Robert and Melinda in it.
But I woke up with such a huge outpouring of emotion (not the norm for me)
In my dream I was walking in Yaeger park taking pictures of the recent snow fall. I saw Melinda and the Kids walking to me and She didnt notice me. And as they got real close she turns and lookos up at me and says "oops."
I looked at my boys who looked up at me and looked so happy and wanted me to say something ... and I looked at her and said why are you doing this .. its illegal for me to seem them.
And then out of nowhere it seemed liked I missed them so much that all this energy build up in my lungs .. and I couldn't breathe and as I gasped for breathe I woke up with a huge amount of moisture pouring from my face and all down my pillow.
I dont normally cry in such a manner but when I woke I could not see do to the tears. I wiped my face and looked around my surrounding realizing it was a dream I got a drink of water .. changed shirts and went back to bed.
_______________________________________________
I have been troubled some time from nightmares. I believe it to be my subconscious mind trying to sort things out.
There are a few common themes in my Dreams.
My X Mother in Law is in trouble and I cant help her. (last week it was a bear attack)
My Children (who I am restrained from seeing because I am sad) are lost or hurt and I can do nothing to help them.
And the other is slightly more calm. its about Robert. I have always trusted him and thought of him as a friend .. but as we talk about nothing in particular he decides to get up walk behind me or beside me and stab me in the back or start to kill me in some sort of violent way.
The last one re occurs with more and more frequency but its strange that it always seems to be something new and inventive on how is harms me.
I desperately need to leave this town.
Olympia Washington has a lot of great things but I cant stay here with Robert and Melinda in it.
No one did anything to you.
Robert said that to me.
No one did anything to you.
Evidently some believe that because I am not good at giving attention and because I desire to be on line instead of in the world ... that I should be divorced.
Evidently some believe that a man of 39 who attempts to befriend a girl of 19 is sick and disgusting and deserves to be socially evicted.
but someone still did something to me.
I made a mistake 17 years ago. I never paid the legal price. I made a mistake with my X wife; and the price I paid is all of my assets and my two awesome boys. And I understand instructors should not date students but .. the rule was never expressed and there was never a date and I never even talked to her or ever tried to approach her about a sexual topic.
With the last one I am being punished for a crime that did not happen. I am being punished because Robert likens it to me dating a 15 yr old.
Sure its fine for Robert to date Melinda; a girl who is 18 years younger than him; but if I even talk with a girl who is that young it is because I am a pedofile.
No; someone did do something to me. Robert was spending time with my wife while I was married. That is severely inappropriate. Just because you did not fuck her till the date of the divorce does not mean a thing.
Because there was a certain time when you stopped being my friend who I could tell things in confidence, and she stopped being my wife who I could tell things in confidence; and you two choose each other over me.
She told you things that she believed were true. You took her poor knowledge of the internet and computers as a truth. All her Gossip, all her drama you bought in to.
The truth us that I hate pedophiles so deeply I am always searching for them. The fact is that I do not think I could control my disgust near pedophiles. The fact is I almost killed myself because I believed I was a pedophile.
I never understood how two separate people who I loved dearly could have independent theories of me being so vile. But than as I went to handle it and end the problem I found out .. you two were not independent. She was telling you lies and you believed her and formed your own opinions.
I worked hard for year for years in your gym. I have worked with children and have never ever thought of harming them. Now .. with your two accusations I may never work with kids again.
Its just not right. Some one did do something to me. I am not guilty of everything that has come my way. No one deserves to be in the hell you two have put me thru.
No one did anything to you.
Evidently some believe that because I am not good at giving attention and because I desire to be on line instead of in the world ... that I should be divorced.
Evidently some believe that a man of 39 who attempts to befriend a girl of 19 is sick and disgusting and deserves to be socially evicted.
but someone still did something to me.
I made a mistake 17 years ago. I never paid the legal price. I made a mistake with my X wife; and the price I paid is all of my assets and my two awesome boys. And I understand instructors should not date students but .. the rule was never expressed and there was never a date and I never even talked to her or ever tried to approach her about a sexual topic.
With the last one I am being punished for a crime that did not happen. I am being punished because Robert likens it to me dating a 15 yr old.
Sure its fine for Robert to date Melinda; a girl who is 18 years younger than him; but if I even talk with a girl who is that young it is because I am a pedofile.
No; someone did do something to me. Robert was spending time with my wife while I was married. That is severely inappropriate. Just because you did not fuck her till the date of the divorce does not mean a thing.
Because there was a certain time when you stopped being my friend who I could tell things in confidence, and she stopped being my wife who I could tell things in confidence; and you two choose each other over me.
She told you things that she believed were true. You took her poor knowledge of the internet and computers as a truth. All her Gossip, all her drama you bought in to.
The truth us that I hate pedophiles so deeply I am always searching for them. The fact is that I do not think I could control my disgust near pedophiles. The fact is I almost killed myself because I believed I was a pedophile.
I never understood how two separate people who I loved dearly could have independent theories of me being so vile. But than as I went to handle it and end the problem I found out .. you two were not independent. She was telling you lies and you believed her and formed your own opinions.
I worked hard for year for years in your gym. I have worked with children and have never ever thought of harming them. Now .. with your two accusations I may never work with kids again.
Its just not right. Some one did do something to me. I am not guilty of everything that has come my way. No one deserves to be in the hell you two have put me thru.
So how it starts
So I guess before I get to far ... I should explain some things. To me; it is all self evident because it repeats in my head daily. But for the reader (it look like I had 2 yesterday) who is not scared off and loves to watch a good car accident .. here ya go
you can check this out if you desire
http://www.psychforums.com/asperger-syndrome/topic102799.html
but in short it does like this :
17 yrs ago I date a 15 yr old when I was 23. We dated for 3.5 years. I have always felt extreme guilt over this.
Oct 25 1998 start training Brazilian Jiujitsu
Oct 2012 As a reservist I am mobilized to a hospital near bye
Jan my Wife of 10 years moves out.
Jun 13, 2 days before my 11nth anniversary I slept with a 22 yr old female.
Jan 14 forced to sign the divorce papers by Wife
work gets very short staffed, the NCOEs take up a lot of the slack.
I start working irregular shifts, irregular hours and over 55+ hours a week.
start heavy use of alcohol to work with issues and sleep
Aug seek treatment from my endocrinologist for severe exhaustion
prescribed a sleep study; results moderate to severe sleep apnea.
at this point I am drinking 3 fifths of Rum a week.
sep 14 I find out that my orders were somehow messed up and that I had stopped being paid for the last 30 days of work for the Army. Start to economic troubles.
While drunk I plan to kill myself and send message to my Wife explaining that I am leaving and that she could have all the property in the divorce. I stand for 3 hours drunk chest deep in a lake in a rain trying to convince myself to drown myself.
that Wednesday while drunk I am asked to sign some documents for the future divorce. I do so without reading them and am told the wrong date about when the divorce preceding.
My instructor at my martial arts gym who i spend over 20 hours a week with kicks me out of the gym becasue I ask a 19 yr old student to assist me with painting my apartment. At that time he tells me I am kicked out because he thinks I am a pedophile.
8 days later while Sober I text to find out at what time the divorce is on thurs .. and she relpies we are already divorced and it was last week.
the divorce leaves me 100% of all debt and her 100% of all assets with her having majority custody of the kids.
I seek out therapy for depression and pedophilia.
diagnosed high functioning aspie with severe obsessive components and suffering from severe depression
In a last ditch effort I ask the two most important people in my life to assist me with my treatment. The only two people who think I am a pedophile. My instructor and my ex wife.
treatment reveals severe obsession with Paraphilia issues with severe guilt about an inappropriate relationship 17 years ago.
no other issues discovered, apart from a severe hatred of pedophiles and obsession with researching literature and pedophile crimes.
Oct 21 Halloween night. My x wife asks me to join her and the kids to trick or treating. I found that night that she is sleeping and in a relationship with my ex jiujitsu instructor.
I start dealing with anger during therapy. I am filled with severe anger.
4 days prior to thanksgiving my X wife gets in an argument with my Mother and stops disallows my mother visitation to her grandchildren.
I attempt to sit down with X wife and discuss her not following the parenting plan.
he keeps derailing the conversation talking about emotional personal issue about are past.
She lashes out in a comment meant to hurt me; and out of anger and desperation I splash less than a half of cup of water in here face to stop her from saying hurtful things.
Later than night I am arrested and taken to jail for Domestic Violence and assault. I am given a restraining order not to contact my X wife.
Thanksgiving I am served with a protection order keeping me away from my children.
Nov 3 2012 I turn 40 years old. I pace in my apt in the dark with scented candles for 6 hours. I can not stop the compulsions or the conversations in my head so I take over 30 prozac and a whole bottle of my sleeping pills.
Nov 4th I wake up, sick but alive.
I go to court Dec 5th and am told I need to comply with the court and take a $600 evaluation for violence. this must be completed if I ever want visitation with my two children. I am severely in debt, I pay over 50% of my paycheck to child support and I can barely pay most my bills.
My two children are my only reason to live.
Last night I sit in a dark room for 4 hours holding my sons blanket trying to smell to the blanket and remember what my kids were like.
I post a post on craglists giving people my address and explaining that I leave the doors unlocked and am looking for someone to kill me. In exchange for the death I provide them with a list of all my valuables and have a signed title to my truck on the kitchen table.
No one takes me up on the offer. I wake up this morning alive. The doors are still unlocked.
So anyway the police came and pulled me from my home. Locked me up for a 24 hour eval in which they determined I am sane, poor, and sad.
The police said I should not post my feelings on line. People might misread them.
But this is how a man of 39 can go down a rabbit hole and wind up on the other side .. without a home, family, kids, friends, money, or a gym.
you can check this out if you desire
http://www.psychforums.com/asperger-syndrome/topic102799.html
but in short it does like this :
17 yrs ago I date a 15 yr old when I was 23. We dated for 3.5 years. I have always felt extreme guilt over this.
Oct 25 1998 start training Brazilian Jiujitsu
Oct 2012 As a reservist I am mobilized to a hospital near bye
Jan my Wife of 10 years moves out.
Jun 13, 2 days before my 11nth anniversary I slept with a 22 yr old female.
Jan 14 forced to sign the divorce papers by Wife
work gets very short staffed, the NCOEs take up a lot of the slack.
I start working irregular shifts, irregular hours and over 55+ hours a week.
start heavy use of alcohol to work with issues and sleep
Aug seek treatment from my endocrinologist for severe exhaustion
prescribed a sleep study; results moderate to severe sleep apnea.
at this point I am drinking 3 fifths of Rum a week.
sep 14 I find out that my orders were somehow messed up and that I had stopped being paid for the last 30 days of work for the Army. Start to economic troubles.
While drunk I plan to kill myself and send message to my Wife explaining that I am leaving and that she could have all the property in the divorce. I stand for 3 hours drunk chest deep in a lake in a rain trying to convince myself to drown myself.
that Wednesday while drunk I am asked to sign some documents for the future divorce. I do so without reading them and am told the wrong date about when the divorce preceding.
My instructor at my martial arts gym who i spend over 20 hours a week with kicks me out of the gym becasue I ask a 19 yr old student to assist me with painting my apartment. At that time he tells me I am kicked out because he thinks I am a pedophile.
8 days later while Sober I text to find out at what time the divorce is on thurs .. and she relpies we are already divorced and it was last week.
the divorce leaves me 100% of all debt and her 100% of all assets with her having majority custody of the kids.
I seek out therapy for depression and pedophilia.
diagnosed high functioning aspie with severe obsessive components and suffering from severe depression
In a last ditch effort I ask the two most important people in my life to assist me with my treatment. The only two people who think I am a pedophile. My instructor and my ex wife.
treatment reveals severe obsession with Paraphilia issues with severe guilt about an inappropriate relationship 17 years ago.
no other issues discovered, apart from a severe hatred of pedophiles and obsession with researching literature and pedophile crimes.
Oct 21 Halloween night. My x wife asks me to join her and the kids to trick or treating. I found that night that she is sleeping and in a relationship with my ex jiujitsu instructor.
I start dealing with anger during therapy. I am filled with severe anger.
4 days prior to thanksgiving my X wife gets in an argument with my Mother and stops disallows my mother visitation to her grandchildren.
I attempt to sit down with X wife and discuss her not following the parenting plan.
he keeps derailing the conversation talking about emotional personal issue about are past.
She lashes out in a comment meant to hurt me; and out of anger and desperation I splash less than a half of cup of water in here face to stop her from saying hurtful things.
Later than night I am arrested and taken to jail for Domestic Violence and assault. I am given a restraining order not to contact my X wife.
Thanksgiving I am served with a protection order keeping me away from my children.
Nov 3 2012 I turn 40 years old. I pace in my apt in the dark with scented candles for 6 hours. I can not stop the compulsions or the conversations in my head so I take over 30 prozac and a whole bottle of my sleeping pills.
Nov 4th I wake up, sick but alive.
I go to court Dec 5th and am told I need to comply with the court and take a $600 evaluation for violence. this must be completed if I ever want visitation with my two children. I am severely in debt, I pay over 50% of my paycheck to child support and I can barely pay most my bills.
My two children are my only reason to live.
Last night I sit in a dark room for 4 hours holding my sons blanket trying to smell to the blanket and remember what my kids were like.
I post a post on craglists giving people my address and explaining that I leave the doors unlocked and am looking for someone to kill me. In exchange for the death I provide them with a list of all my valuables and have a signed title to my truck on the kitchen table.
No one takes me up on the offer. I wake up this morning alive. The doors are still unlocked.
So anyway the police came and pulled me from my home. Locked me up for a 24 hour eval in which they determined I am sane, poor, and sad.
The police said I should not post my feelings on line. People might misread them.
But this is how a man of 39 can go down a rabbit hole and wind up on the other side .. without a home, family, kids, friends, money, or a gym.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Brazilain Jiujitsu in Olympia
With ever Aspie there are some sort of obsessions. They differ from addiction in that they do not always stem from an idea of desiring pleasure. Some obsession are terrible and some are not so bad.
As far as my life goes Brazilian Jiujitsu and the martial arts were not that bad of an obsession. Sure I lost a few Girlfriends along the way. And maybe even a wife.
But I can honestly say I have progressed in a sport where few men even explore. I can say that my stint in the martial arts has given me confidence to be in society and out in a bar setting. I had some bad run ins with criminals when I was young and it left me afraid of being out at night.
My X liked to party out. And she party often. I was fearful of what was out there but was an idiot to let her go out on her own. She hit on several men and did a lot of promiscuous activities including a wet t shirt contest in a thong in a bar in Seattle.
But; none of this matters as long as I had Jiujitsu. I had my social interaction at the gym. I fed my need for the mat by rolling and I fed my intellectual need for geometry by watching jiujitsu on the internet.
Brazilian Jiujitsu is like chess except instead of pieces you have appendages and you move them like pieces on a table. This kisiology, physiology, and the geometry are like a drug more addictive that Heroin.
As I let my marriage collapse slowly over a ten year period I focused on my Obsession of Jiujitsu and my world seemed fine.
When in reality I was breaking Mindy. She was fragile and I was jagged. My nature hurt her character.
As far as my life goes Brazilian Jiujitsu and the martial arts were not that bad of an obsession. Sure I lost a few Girlfriends along the way. And maybe even a wife.
But I can honestly say I have progressed in a sport where few men even explore. I can say that my stint in the martial arts has given me confidence to be in society and out in a bar setting. I had some bad run ins with criminals when I was young and it left me afraid of being out at night.
My X liked to party out. And she party often. I was fearful of what was out there but was an idiot to let her go out on her own. She hit on several men and did a lot of promiscuous activities including a wet t shirt contest in a thong in a bar in Seattle.
But; none of this matters as long as I had Jiujitsu. I had my social interaction at the gym. I fed my need for the mat by rolling and I fed my intellectual need for geometry by watching jiujitsu on the internet.
Brazilian Jiujitsu is like chess except instead of pieces you have appendages and you move them like pieces on a table. This kisiology, physiology, and the geometry are like a drug more addictive that Heroin.
As I let my marriage collapse slowly over a ten year period I focused on my Obsession of Jiujitsu and my world seemed fine.
When in reality I was breaking Mindy. She was fragile and I was jagged. My nature hurt her character.
Mindy & Melinda
I thought my life was good. I thought my life was normal. What I did not understand is that living with an Aspie has slowly destroyed who it was I loved in my Wife. he constant grind of confrontation made her jagged. The constant internet use made her lonely. And my lack of understanding Social cues and my thought that I knew best stopped me from not praising her every day.
I thought she was lovely when I picked her up. I get that she was a needy attention whore .. but I did not mind.
What I did mind is when I was not enough she sought attention from other men. First when we were engaged and later on during the marriage. But I can forgive; I can try anew ... but I still wrecked it.
And Slowly Mindy transformed into Melinda. I caused it; I broke her. I knew that she needed 100% of my attention everyday. I knew she needed me to believe in her made up stories and I know she wanted me to think she was the only woman on this planet.
But I failed. I thought honestly was better. But it was just Bitter
I thought we would grow together and always be together . . but in reality she grew to hate my quirks. She detested my stories; she hated my sense of humour; and my inability to face her and confront her with an argument made her turn to who she is now.
I did not know what was going to happen. I did not intend this; hell I didn't even forecast this. But now I live it every day.
My chest is empty .. and yet my corpse still moves. I leave the doors open to my apt at night hoping someone will come and murder me.
I dont like this Melinda .. and I wish for my Mindy.
I thought she was lovely when I picked her up. I get that she was a needy attention whore .. but I did not mind.
What I did mind is when I was not enough she sought attention from other men. First when we were engaged and later on during the marriage. But I can forgive; I can try anew ... but I still wrecked it.
And Slowly Mindy transformed into Melinda. I caused it; I broke her. I knew that she needed 100% of my attention everyday. I knew she needed me to believe in her made up stories and I know she wanted me to think she was the only woman on this planet.
But I failed. I thought honestly was better. But it was just Bitter
I thought we would grow together and always be together . . but in reality she grew to hate my quirks. She detested my stories; she hated my sense of humour; and my inability to face her and confront her with an argument made her turn to who she is now.
I did not know what was going to happen. I did not intend this; hell I didn't even forecast this. But now I live it every day.
My chest is empty .. and yet my corpse still moves. I leave the doors open to my apt at night hoping someone will come and murder me.
I dont like this Melinda .. and I wish for my Mindy.
Barb
Over the last 11 years of marriage with my X Wife ... I have become very close to a specific woman. her name is Barb. She is the mother of my X Wife. I love this person and respect her severely. I believe her children are great people due specifically to how she has raised them and taught them as a parent.
I would dream that I would parent as well.
Today she asked me to stop posting mean things on facebook.
I guess that people can see it there. Well no one can see this here ... and by the time anyone finds this I may be gone.
What she was asking for me to stop hurting her daughter and my friend Robert.
What in reality she was doing was asking me to shut down communication. Because in reality .. Everyone I know has been in conjunction with my X. My friends at the gym, my friends at the church, the people I hang out with ... all were taken by my X Wife in the divorce.
So what am I suppose to do. I have one person I can talk with and she hates the fact that I am sad. .. and she is upset I want it to end.
So; because I can not control myself. I have closed my Facebook accounts. my apt has been quiet today. I will not leave it for another 2 days. I only leave to go to work and to buy new scented candles.
But because Barb requests it .. I am going to do my best to not communicate with the outside world.
I am sorry I am filled with hate and pain but I blame your daughter for causing this.
I would dream that I would parent as well.
Today she asked me to stop posting mean things on facebook.
I guess that people can see it there. Well no one can see this here ... and by the time anyone finds this I may be gone.
What she was asking for me to stop hurting her daughter and my friend Robert.
What in reality she was doing was asking me to shut down communication. Because in reality .. Everyone I know has been in conjunction with my X. My friends at the gym, my friends at the church, the people I hang out with ... all were taken by my X Wife in the divorce.
So what am I suppose to do. I have one person I can talk with and she hates the fact that I am sad. .. and she is upset I want it to end.
So; because I can not control myself. I have closed my Facebook accounts. my apt has been quiet today. I will not leave it for another 2 days. I only leave to go to work and to buy new scented candles.
But because Barb requests it .. I am going to do my best to not communicate with the outside world.
I am sorry I am filled with hate and pain but I blame your daughter for causing this.
I am not sure why I am here. I am unclear how I have even got this far.
I guess it started 17 years when I fell in love with a girl I should have never have. Or it started this year when My Wife Divorced me.
I cant tell you when specifically but I can tell you I was a bad Husband and a Friend. I dont know if I write this for therapy or if I write this for records for when I am dead.
Today .. the world was suppose to end. We were all suppose to die. I was kinda looking forward to it .. because at my core I am a coward; a man who has nothing to live for; a man who wants to die .... but a man who does not possess enough strength to kill his own self.
I guess I was hoping the Mayans would take care of it for me.
I guess it started 17 years when I fell in love with a girl I should have never have. Or it started this year when My Wife Divorced me.
I cant tell you when specifically but I can tell you I was a bad Husband and a Friend. I dont know if I write this for therapy or if I write this for records for when I am dead.
Today .. the world was suppose to end. We were all suppose to die. I was kinda looking forward to it .. because at my core I am a coward; a man who has nothing to live for; a man who wants to die .... but a man who does not possess enough strength to kill his own self.
I guess I was hoping the Mayans would take care of it for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)