terrible terrible dreams

I don't have work and today is my day off.  But I still find myself up before 430 am.  I woke this morning sick to my stomach because I knew it was him and I knew what he did.

With in moments I realized it had all been a dream; but it amazes me.  To think that that brief moment between sleep and wake that 60 seconds you cant tell what is reality and what was dream.  And for that brief moment I felt so many negative emotions. Fear, Grief, Disbelief, hatred,  sorrow, and loss.  I was so worried about what my kids would do ... but let me back up and tell the terrible terrible dream.

It was the day after Christmas and me and my GF were at the Sushi place near the Jujitsu gym.  I like this place but I also know that Robert frequents this place so I do ever go there.  I am trying to do my best and not run into my X wife for an entire year. .... This much is all true and indeed did happen last night.

In my dream we met and old friend of mine Scott.  I should have known it was a dream because Scott looked younger and healthier and strong.  Like when I met him the first time over 15 years ago. He was a long time friend.  He asked me if I was training BJJ any more. I told him no.  He said that the gym was closed all week and no one would be there and if I wanted to come and train with him and Jeff and a few people I could.

At that moment I don't know what to describe what I felt.  For so long have I felt anguish about not being able to see my old friends.  I was ostracized from that gym and was told not to communicate with anyone at that gym.   And now in a purely genuine act of Xmas kindness they had welcomed me back for just one day.

I love Jiujitsu. I miss it.  My body misses it.  It is where anatomy and chess meet.  And I did my best and I did a class. and sweated, and hurt, and tapped, and almost had so much fun I got sick to my stomach.  And no one seemed to care that I had a GPS bracelet around my ankle.  The gym seemed different too.  There where different changing rooms and things looked well kept and clean. I attributed this to Mindy's business practices.

After class I took of my wet sweaty Gi and went to go change.  I was wearing my pants and forgot my water in the workout area.  I went to go get it and on my way back to the changing room a white Volvo pulled up.

My heart leaped.

My Ex wife drives a white Volvo and she has a restraining order against me.  So in fear I ran to the changing room and grabbed my T shirt and ran to my truck.  I could not find my gi bag but it was no time to look for it. 

I was in my truck when wiping the sweat off from my brow and cleaning up after class.  I was putting on deodorant when Robert came up to my truck.

He walked up to my truck quietly and I did not see him. And Opened my drivers side door and I felt trapped.  "What are you doing?" he asked.

I explained that I did a class at the gym, even tho I knew he had kick me out for life. 

"please tell me exactly what happened."

at this time, I could not betray Scott or Jeff or any of my friends in the gym.  If I told Robert that they let me in the gym to roll with them he might get upset at them.  I took the blame.

"well that ok did you enjoy it?"

I felt relieved. "For so long have I felt that something was missing from my life.  You told me once that as you approach black belt that the ledge we walk on get smaller and smaller. And that people judge us much more severe than a white or a blue belt.  I had honestly tried to give up BJJ.  But I hurt.  Without it I do not feel complete and that I am just floating like a ghost thru life.  I don't care or find pleasure in anything anymore."

He looked at me like he used like he agreed.  He said "Indeed it is something that strengthens the soul and body. ..... But what about the hammer?" he asked?

I looked at him confused. "What hammer?"

He said that the people in the gym said after class you were walking around with a hammer.

"no, nope, that sounds weird.  I had no reason for anything."

"very well, Mindy is here so you better leave." .. and I felt relived.  I felt like even tho we had problems in our past he was going to cover for me and not tell his wife I had been exercising at the gym.

When I go home to the APT my GF was still there and I showered and we were talking about nothingness.  And as the news played they said that a female was killed with a hammer at BJJ Olympia today.

And my heart dropped..  I was not worried for myslef.  I was horrified for the kids. 

Maybe I watch to much CSI and Law and Order.  But this combined with my sleep apnea i awoke gasping for air so utterly scared and sick.  That I surmised that he had stolen my bag; and killed someone; and had my DNA .... and my mind spun and spun as I laid in bed thinking of all that is to come.

Who is going to take care of them.  Will they let my protection order drop.  If they are already in mental health treatment for being away from their father what will happen to them now.  What has been told to them. Will they ever know the truth.  Are the police coming for me right now?  Will they believe me? What will be the long term effect on the boys and will they get sad each Xmas like I do?

and as I sat in bed slowly realizing it had all been a dream and finally able to take breathes, the dream started to fade. It sickens me for that brief moment I thought I had lost my Ex wife.  For so long she was my best friend and meant the world to me.  Even if she is not mine I could not stand to loose here like that.  And the kids.  Oh; my poor kids.

And all is ok now.  It was just a dream.  But I still have the salt in the corner of my eyes. And I don't want to clean it out.  Because the crying is what I think I will use to purify my soul from all this terrible terrible life that has been forced upon my this past year.

I am trying so hard to abide by all the rules. I am trying so hard to stay as far from my Ex as possible.  I am getting close.  And one day this will all be behind me.  But I had a dream like this once.  And I told my therapist.  She wrote down that the patients has dreams of killing his X wife.  And now I wear a GPS.  Because in my mind if I have a dream of my Ex wife dying (a death scene I never even witnessed) and I dream about the repercussion; This is a dream about death.  To me this is a dream about the fear I have for my children growing up.  Not knowing if they are kept well.  Not knowing how they are doing in school or socially, or physically.  Are they exercising?  Are they eating write?  Is Jake being teased at school?  Is Robert continuously harassing Jake every morning by saying Wakey wakey where is Jakey?  Because he hates it but doesn't want to tell anyone.

I just want what is best for the boys.  And being a part from them is ten times worse than not being in Jiujitsu.

The terrible terrible dream is not what happened last hour.  It is all the time I spend awake for the last year.

Better than ever

I walk around work like a  zombie.  I am exhausted and careless.  I have no wish to be there, and no desire to leave.  I walk thru life because I am forced. 

I quote Mrs Owen's last text "The boys are do better than ever..." as she tells Nana that the kids will not be able to see her.  That Nana can not see her grandchildren .. and the the kids are sooo great and are just golly  ... better than ever.

Last week I receiver mail from my health insurance company; group health.  Luckily I guess; Jake my eldest has been approved for up to 18 visits with a child psychiatrist because of depression, anger and trouble with dealing with all of this.

I hate myself for causing the divorce.  I hate myself for my children's mental anguish.  I dislike that Mrs. Owens will not let me see my kids.  I am plagues with dreams at night and lie awake all night worried about my boys.  I have happy dreams and lay missing them.  I have terrible dreams and wake up in tears.

I wish they were better than ever.  I wish their mother knew the pain she was causing keeping the kids from their Nana and their father.

But thats ok .. Mr. Owens rights in his facebook posts about how well his family and how much he loves them.  I guess when you have a step dad you no longer need a father or grandparents.

I just want the dreams to stop.  I want the torture to stop. 

Why

I got a new phone.  I am not sure why I added this app but it seems to be the only way to express my feelings.

I don't speak honestly to my GF. I am looking for a wallpaper for my phone and as I go thru the pics of my boys that pain hits me hard.

I took a PHA with the Army this month and checked all the boxes that I needed help and was miserable and sad.

I have met with both my therapists this week and not one of them could tell how depressed I am.

I think and wish for death everyday but I don't get to take my own life because if I do my kids will never get to see their Nana again.

So I guess I continue to write and rewrite my goodbye letters to the people in my life who matters but never do anything about it.

But so I got this app for my phone.  I hope I write something of worth one day. 

How to stop your wife from cheating on you.

I am sure if I knew what I know now 8 years ago I would have acted back then much differently.

When I was married; I found out that my wife had cheated on me by sneaking on her cell phone and checking her texts.  Not only does this show a lack of trust it also demonstrates a complete lack of personal privacy that every is entitled. 

Checking email, logging on and reading her facebook, and searching her texts are all methods that I used in order to "stop" my ex wife from cheating on me.  It did not work.  It stopped her for a time; well with that ranger at least.  But what I needed was a sure fire method ... something so crazy it just might work.

In short .. the way to stop your wife from cheating on you is twofold.  One choose a good woman with strong moral standards with whom you feel you can live the rest of your life.  And two and much more importantly;  live each day as if it was your last with her.

Don't take her for granted.  Don't skip on spending time with her because you believe that you will have plenty of time.  Make each day a mission to show her how you feel and to not let her question at anytime your feelings for her.

My life didn't cheat on me because she needed sex.  She didn't cheat on me for money, or for drugs or for any other reason save one.

My actions or in-actions made her cheat.  I am responsible for 99% of the indiscretion.  At that time of my life I was spending all day everyday at the gym.  I was playing video games whenever I was not at the gym.  I was focused on my son, I was focused on t he Army reserves ... I was focused on 100 other items but her.

For some time I think I blamed our divorce on my Aspie nature.  No one wants to be married to someone who is anti social.  I am contradictory, argumentative, passive ...I enjoy too much alone time.  I want structure and routine in my life.  I make social errors daily and speak at all times with a sarcastic tone.  I have no friends and and not capable of normal relationships.

But despite all these things .. she still loved my at one point.  it wasn't all my flaws that turned her away.  It was my actions.  I chose other things instead of her.  I chose the divorce.

Now I can not say with any certainty that had I known these things 8 years ago that I would have done anything different; but at least I can see what was the downfall in my relationship.  And I can see why she was attracted to Robert.  He is a good listener.  He is patient.

What is domestic violence?

At the half way point in treatment we are given an assignment.  So today; for some reason I am not sure I was asked to read mine aloud to the rest of the therapy class.  I will provide a copy.

Before that I will add; I never tried to be the terrible person I am.  I am not sure why I have such strong structures and rituals that surrounds my life.  ( I have a lit candle as I type)  But if I could have somehow known how my unwavering mannerisms would have and could have damaged my Ex wife; I would have never had proposed.  She should have never had to live with me.  She should have never had to put up with my inability to speak civilly and my constant antagonistic tones.

I did a lot of damage.  I am very sorry for that.  It was not intentional; however as I am learning ... intentions mean absolutely nothing.

DP1)  what is Domestic Violence? …

Domestic Violence is aggressive or unjust exertion of force (emotional, physical, or otherwise) that creates fear of life or safety for a loved one or someone in the home.  Domestic Abuse is similar to Domestic Violence except that it normally represents a pattern, or trend in behavior that intimidates a partner or loved one.  The effects that domestic violence can have on communities is economic, legal, and cultural.  The monitory cost of domestic violence is high; from police pay, to cost of courts, and jails too the cost for battered women and family shelters can cripple an already burdened economy.  In the already full court system the amount of cases continues to rise.  The chances of a domestic violence offender who is left untreated to go on and commit larger crimes is high.  The cultural effects are even more devastating than the others.  The perpetuated belief that females are somehow measured based on their ability to please a male are extremely antiquated.  Holding these views are harmful to women who come in contact as well as the children raised in this environment.  Culturally; a society that dismisses domestic violence (Kanye West) or worse promotes is (Jerry Springer) will raise a generation of children with poor values and weak standards and expectations for the female half of society.  

Domestic Violence can be seen often times in the initial contact in a relationship.  A relationship based upon stereo typical roles or prehistoric man – woman concepts can be evident in many online profiles.  In an era of electronics and computers it is more important for a female to search out and explore her perspective mate.  A male who professes traditional values and wants a woman to stay home to raise the kids will probably not see a relationship and two equals working together for a joint endeavor.   

DP2)  there are many behaviors that constitute domestic violence. They can be as subtle as walking away during important conversations or even changing the conversation to avoid certain topics or they can be as obvious as verbally abusing them in public or physical abuse. The behaviors in relationship history lists about 40 ways to abuse a spouse.  I am certain there are more.

I believe that Domestic Abuse is a pattern; however I do believe that Domestic Violence can be a one-time thing.  I personally am not in that minority.  I believe that throwing objects, punching walls, and damaging property although not physically harmful to the individual can do mental harm and is domestically violent.   

The goal of violent behavior is to try to change it prior to it happening by changing thought processes and hopefully by letting the batterer see what the effect to that violence are so that he can change his actions.  Controlling behavior are the less obvious ways that domestic violence presents itself.  By controlling a person you are illustrating to them that you are not equals and are placing them in an unequal footing.

DP3) Domestic Violence has several consequences that effect both parties as well as bystanders and other family members.  It can harm the victim physically but more importantly it has many effects psychologically. It causes victims to lose confidence, feel hopeless, and many times fear for their safety or life.  This can lead to depression, suicide, or other mental diseases.   To the children that witness this; it can be seen in evident symptoms of sadness, fear, hopelessness; but it can also produce long term affects and possibly aid in that child to grow up and to become an abuser.  The effects it causes on the perpetrator can be many different things.  For someone who does not know what they are doing they may mis-perceive their controlling habits and end up losing the most important person in their life.  In an individual who knows what they are doing and continues to do so it can lead them down a pathway of crime and most likely prison time and unhappiness. 

DP4)  Domestic Violence is usually created by one conflicting views on justice, morality, values, and reality.  If one believes that a family she behave in one way and then the reality presents itself in a different light the abuser would seek to gain control in order to force it to fit his mold.  Domestic Violence is more than out of control behavior.  It is often long term thought about beliefs and patterns.  It can represent itself in normal daily interactions but often times can be represented in more intimate moments.  Certain things like controlling or abusive behaviors in bed.  Expecting for intimacy to be all about a female pleasing a man.  Ridicule or Criticizing a belief or act.  Withholding love and affection in order to persuade another party.  

DP5)  Minimizing:  To make an act seem less important or less critical.  Denial: To deny a truth or to omit a truth in order to not face the repercussions.     Both minimizing and denial can often be seen in individuals who get caught abusing a loved one.  It is often times hard to face the repercussion of breaking the law.  It can even be harder facing them when you break a trust.  Denial and Minimizing are tools used to evade responsibility.  Accountability is the acceptation of ones responsibilities; no matter good or bad.  It is easy at work to accept praise for doing a thing well.  However it is harder to face family friends and colleagues when you have broken the law.  People evade accountability for negative actions because it is an easier path than accepting responsibility and admitting one’s own wrongness and sinfulness.  

....

It is hard for me to be comfortable with my own sinful nature.  I am upset with myself daily.  I have thought long and hard on ways to improve but I have also thought long and hard on ways to simply give up.  At this point I see know way for me to stop being who I am.  And I am indeed flawed.  I can just make sure that I keep my flawed self to myself and away from my Ex, my kids, and any other female that I may want to be in a relationship.  Some people should just be single.

Truth, Justic, and the American way.

Today I underwent number 3 of 4 polygraphs ordered by my domestic violence treatment "therapist".  I am not sure what to think about the "science" behind these tests. The first one I thought I did great.  But it turned out inconclusive.  the second one I was worried but it turned out negative.  Last night I took a test and it came back positive and told me I was lying.

One of the least things I like in this world is being told I am something I am not.  To go up and talk about the worst characteristics about yourself for 3 hours and then to take a test that you know will be share with a dozen or more people is a humbling experience.

But what is worse is when I try to do a good job; when I tell the truth and I am return told that it is a lie.

I am honestly working and trying to become a better person with this domestic violence treatment.  I am going along with the sexual addiction treatment and have tried to make positive changes in my life on how I see other people.  I complied time and time again with the treatment regulation regarding my history of depression and suicidal ideation. 

And now when I am trying to leave my past behind me they are accusing me of stalking my ex wife.  There proof????? .. I had received mail to her on some bills to my address and I had returned them to her via her husbands work. 

If someone tells me my ex no longer works at Armada ... that is not stalking.
If someone send me a picture of my Son doing a BJJ tournament ... that is not stalking.
If someone tells my kids that I love them ... that is not stalking.

However; my domestic violence treatment provider has made it his personal goal to fix any and every problem that i have ever had in my entire life.  What a great guy.

My problem is a little more severe than this.  I have researched a little and have found no information of people who have done polygraphs on an individual who is ASD and has anxiety issues.  They did the test on me four times last night and had to redo it a fifth time because the instrument" is malfunctioning.  All just to prove that I had lied on one of the questions.

I have struggled with the issue of lying and telling the truth for some time.  My lawyer, my therapist, my friends and the people in the treatment with me all tell me I should have lied about all these things.  But after telling the truth for months ... the final result is that even when I tell the truth it is not good enough I am still a liar.

There is no truth in the courts, there is no justice for the poor.  this is the American way. 

DEC court ... and the truth.

Today I had court.  It was uneventful.  It seems like every time I go to court I do not even speak.  So today I went to court for a review of my inability to remain in compliance with my domestic violence requirements.

The truth however is that I am in compliance.  But that is not in important in the court.  I need the document from the therapist.  Unfortunately for me he did not get it done last Wednesday.  Then he had Thursday and Friday off.  Now it is my problem because now this Monday I still am not in compliance.

I discussed these issues with my therapist and he now thinks he should wait to finish the paper work till a eval I did last week gets done by the CD people.

All in all I am pretty sick of this system.  I am out of compliance if I read a self help book.  I am out of compliance if I go with my GF to Victoria's Secrets for some skin lotion.

and my fellow criminals in DV class have told me time and time again that all my problems would go away if I would just lie.


1) I should have lied to the police.  I would never have been arrested.
2) I should have lied to my therapists.   And my treatment would be going better.
3) I should have lied to the judge and prosecutor. 


Now the problem is either I am to stupid to lie or I just don't want to be like those people.  I really thought my mom taught me to behave better than this.  If I do lie all my problems go away .. but than I am just like everyone else.

so my miserable journey continues.

I miss my kids. Daily.