Bully

So I have a friend in Germany ... one I know online only.  She is English living in a foreign country and going to university over there fro her Masters (Sociology).  She got divorced relatively same time frame (like 5 months before I did) and she was around back when I was butt hurt and she shared her pain about her divorce with me.  Now most days we talk about Sociology, Psychology, Autism and and the shit storm which is my life.  I told her she could use me for a paper.

So any who .. today at work one of the Anesthesia providers was goofing with me and called me a bully.  I know she was not intentionally being mean to me .. However it struck something deep.

Something I haven't really did a lot of thinking on. Something I have been thinking on lately and will think about tomorrow morning on my walk.

When I was younger I was bullied.  Quiet a bit.  And strangely enough to combat that fear I had of these people I took a different approach.  Because I didn't want to feel the pain of the bullying I found that if I agreed with the bullies they would find different prey.  And it wasn't just agreeing with them .. it was actually being an asshat to other kids and teasing them so that I did not get teased.

I think this is the beginning of my Sarcasm and acting out nature.  I found that if I caused problems in class and people laughed at me ... I didn't stand out in a weird way .. just a bad way.  and in a 13 yr old boys mind .. bad is better than weird.

I know that my relationship with my sister to this day is strained because of my "bullying" nature.  Whilst I can not give alot of specifics I do know that it was not that easy for her to grow up in the same vicinity.

I know that my Ex found if frustrating because of my  "bullying" of her.  I would insist that arguments follow a logic course.  I would insist on clear and concise speech patterns.  I would attack her for her "flowery" emotional hyperbole.   And even to the point where I would state her idea is wrong simply because I did not or could not comprehend it.

As I talk with Donna (Girl in Germany) We discuss slut shamming, bullying, and homophobia.  She has started teaching me on subtle things that we see daily in our advertisements and in our normal speech patterns which are sexist and derogatory.   Me being Aspie I often times do not see things until she draws them out for me and then I am like .. wow .. I never knew that was there!

But having someone at work call me the bully brings back a fear of mine from my very young teen years. I do not want to be bullied.  That however  I can not stop.  But I do not want to be a bully either.  I want to fix myself so I am not teasing the younger Soldiers.  I want to not tease people who make mistakes.  I want not to be a gossip or a pessimist.

But I guess it needs to be done with baby steps.  So Saturday when I talk with Donna I will ask her, Her thoughts on the situation and how I can be a more productive employee without getting upset when others do poor work and not tease them for doing such.

As for my former spouse and sister. Well I can not go back to those relationships.  I can not say I am sorry that when ever you criticize me I go on the attack.  I can not say I am sorry that when you speak in flowery creative syntax I am not able to understand nor comprehend your message.

But  .. What I hope.  If I can fix my self just a little bit.  Hopefully I can teach this lesson to my eldest so that as he grows up he will become the bully I once was.

Being different is not bad.  Is it simply not like me and therefor not easily understood by me.  Seems simple enough.  I hope that I start to progress in it.