Relationships.

In my sexual deviancy evaluation the therapist made a comment.  Now although the words do not stick in my head .. the concepts behind the words do.

My life has been plagued by inappropriate relationships.  By inappropriate she meant anything that was considered out of normal by the general populace.  For my domestic violence class homework I have had to go thru all the women that I have dated and discuss why the relationship didn't work and what controlling behaviors were present if any.

Examples. 

I have ignored all the relationship prior to college. 

Masako.  One of the three greatest loves of my life. I wanted to propose but was a coward. I wanted to move to Japan and be with her .. but somehow kept finding excuses.  She was an exchange student and came thru my work study at the school.  Prior to her I had hit on a few girls and when I was with her I was often teased because people believed me to like Japanese women over American women.

Christina.  She was an instructor at my martial arts gym. She was 19 yrs old when we dated.  Because of the sexual nature of the relationship I believe I started feeling emotion to early.  It last only 4 months.  She broke up with me because she just wanted us to be friends with benefits.  She is the first woman to break up with me and date  my martial arts instructor.

Katrina.  I got fired over Katrina.  She was a manager at my place of work (McDonalds) and we had a relationship. Although she was senior to me; I think I took a brunt of the criticism.  I was fired from my job do to complications resulting from my relationship with her.

Monica. The most inappropriate relationship in my life.  She was a minor.  She was a friend while I dated Katrina.  And she had even come to Katrina and Mine apartment.  She was a student and the martial arts gym I taught at.  And despite my better judgment we started dating.  30 days prior to her 16th B day she came at me with an ultimatum.  Sex or break up.  I found this strange because I had waited till I was 20 and because we had discussed that we would wait till marriage.  We didn't wait.  It was a mistake.  The relationship went well but it could not withstand the distance the army required.  We separated.  I thought because of distance; but she was the second female to leave me for one of my martial arts instuctors.

Mindy.  My relationship started quickly with Mindy after my break up with Monica.  She knew and I knew I still had strong feeling for Monica.  But I ignored them and soon fell in love with Mindy.  We met at my job at the MEPS.  I was responsible for doing physicals on applicant into the military.   She was also in my unit.  Both these things are very inappropriate and not condoned in the Army.  The relationship ended 13 years later when she left me for my martial arts instructor.  A different one this time ..but that is not important.

now there have been several other minor instances of a date here and there or me asking a girl out and being denied.  Stuff that is all normal I would assume for the general populace.  Yet ... I had asked out other women on dates who I worked with at the international exchange student program in college.  I have asked out other women at my gym.  I was even most recently kicked out of my gym for asking a girl out to dinner.

With regards to men I have had several inappropriate relationships. Not sexual but none the less not normal.  I have never had a strong father figure in my life.  Me and my brother are not close to one another.  I think that often times I put males into one of several different categories. 

To often do I consider people friends before they are really my friend.  This often leads to heart ache but I have progressed.

Sometimes I have become close to one of my older Martial arts instructors and treated them like a father figure or a religious leader.

Other times I have had relationships with males who are clearly no where near my age.  When I was 23 I had several friends who were all in High School.  We played dungeon and dragons.  We trained kung Fu and we had common interests.  When I  was 30 years old I had several friends all turning 21.  I remember to this day the fun we had in Seattle going around different bars for their B day.  And now that I am 40 I find that some of the guys I talk to online about video games and politics are in their low 20s and 30s.

I don't socialize well with many people.  And unfortunately I dont socialize with people my own age.  I have a history of inappropriate actions from misunderstanding friendships to asking out women at work.  And now that I am old I find myself still not knowing good from bad.

But there is help. My evaluator has made some suggestions.  I do not date any girl under the age of 28.  (pretty easy because I am not dating right  now)  I do not make female friends and "meet" with females under the age of 28.  I do not "hang out" with males under the age of 26 however I am allowed to speak with them at times and maybe help them move or something that is simple.

since the first time I had sex.  I have been in a relationship.  to date ... this is the longest time I have been out of a relationship since I gave up celibacy.




Some parts of me wish I never did give it up.  It has caused me nothing but heart ache and grief.  It has ruined and had bad outcomes on others lives.

So I guess its time to grow up.  Not do what I want to do or feel I ought to do, but do what society expects of me.  It was much easier when I was married because Mindy would say to me .. "People dont say that in public" or "dont make that facial expression."   My Ex was very astute at navigating through social pitfalls and now I feel like I am climbing without belay. 

Maybe the internet is not the best place to learn social etiquette.  But I am trying.  I am learning to lie to people and make them feel better about themselves.  I try to give a compliment to people for no purpose.  And the hardest part for me I am trying to keep sardonic or cynical comments to myself and not say mean things.  This is the hardest for me.

A friend at work just got divorce and last night she lost custody of her kids in court.  From out of the wood work people poured out on facebook and sent her prayers and best regards.  When that happened to me a year ago .... most people unfriendly me on Facebook.  Everyone I knew stopped texting me.  And very few people sent their prayers my way.

This has everything to do with who I am.  And how I act and how I have acted over the past 20 years of adult life.  While she is kind and helpful .. i am not.  The negative aspects to my personality so far overshadow the good aspects it is hard for most people to over look them.  This is the reason of my divorce.  This is the reason of my excommunication from my martial arts gym.  And this is the reason for the mass exodus of friends.

You know I really don't understand relationships.  I think I should read a book on them.