SO why are you still alive?

I have a friend who is a little depressed.  We have been talking off and on for quite some time but she is having boy trouble and life trouble and work too.

In our discussion she is telling me how she is so depressed and she asks me why I never killed myself.  I tried to explain in a few different ways but it just did not register.  I explained that there are different types of people who are out there and there are different types of people who try to commit suicide.

In general a person who tells everyone when and how they are going to kill themselves are  often looking for help.  I explained to her by the fact that she is contacting me and asking me questions she is looking for help.  I think our communication helped her but she asked me a tough question.  And I have been thinking about it for sometime. 

It is easy to say that I am alive because I made a miscalculation on my dosage last Nov 3rd.  But in reality if my subconscious mind was afraid to die it would hide the fact that I made a simple  mathematical error.

SO he question still resides  .. my answer is this.  If we accept that just because you are not happy does not mean you are sad; than just because you no longer wish to live ... does not necessarily indicate that you want to die.

And that is that.  My ex GF called me up yesterday and asked me how I am.  I skirted the question.  She asked me what I do in my free time.  I skirted that one as well.  How do you tell someone you care for and want to impress that you spend all your free time reading the internet or playing minecraft?

I don't feel depressed.  I don't feel sad.  I am just done feeling.  I have no desire to live any longer.  I have almost completed most of my good bye letters.  But I am not done.  I do not have a desire to die.  So until that time happens I am stuck here in a dead  end job with not life or friends avoiding people and family like the plague.

My days are not without happiness.  I am allowed to enjoy family guy .. I can fall asleep watching the news. .. I don't have  to worry about saying the wrong thing and inadvertently starting an argument.

Life is very different after the divorce.  We have been apart for a year now .. and while I can not say that it is at all better.  I can with certainty say it is different and I don't have to pretend as much.

I didn't ask my friend for fear it would make her want to die .. but .. What makes you want to die ?  I have a list of things .. but none of them have happened yet. 

I think it is good for people to know what they will live for and die for before that issue happens so that they can be prepared in the event of a situation.