I am not my father.

I am not my father,

at least that is what I tell myself. Yet when my mother and X are upset they always make mention that I am just like him.

I love my kids. I pay over 50% of my income to them.  I would spend everyday with them if it was legal.  I called in sick today because I was too emotional. I found a video of my youngest from almost 1 year ago.

I would live on the street and eat ramen for the rest of my life if I knew that it would provide for my children.

People at work ask why I don't just stand up for myself. .... but when I am gone there will be no one who said that I did not give everything for my kids.  I stay at this dead end job so I can make enough money for them to survive.

My X has all the assets of our 14 year relationship.  I have nothing of that marriage except the memories that trouble me every night.  But what people don't understand ... money has never been important, possession or items have never been important.  It has always been about family.  And although I have no family and have been divorced from mine .. I still hold it as the most important thing to me.  And I can not do anything that takes away from their fiscal well being.

So it looks like the fed employees will be loosing 20% of wages.  I will not be seeking a change in child support.  I can always find a cheaper place to live.  I can live without a cell phone.

I will live in a box just to show everyone ...  I am not my father. 

Thruston County District Court FEB 26

Very Very displeased with our legal system.  I was at the court house at 830 AM.  There where so many people there is took forever to get into the court room.  My defense attorney came in and call names while I was in the bathroom.  When I came back all the people where waiting in the hall for her.

As a Reese .. I am used to being towards the end when called alphabetically.  She left me for end.  She started a conversation than turned and walked away while I was speaking.  She made it very evident that I had to do what she wanted or she would refuse to continue helping me.  I guess public defenders are pretty busy.

When It was my turn to be called up the Prosecutor didnt even pay attention.  He did not even know my name.

I had a few simple questions I wanted answered .... but I guess they where deemed ridiculous and not important.

1) When was the last time that the DA contacted the victims advocate about Melinda Crump.

2) If they had the documents of my Domestic Violence Evaluation would it change their opinion on their actions they are looking at taking.

3) If I accept the deal am I able to leave the state and country freely for work?

4) Since this domestic violence charge did not utilize alcohol or weapons would it be possible to have those items removed off the restraining order.

I dont think this is to much to ask.  I also was very surprised how rudely the Judge acted towards me.

Every one refuses to talk to the actual person being tried.  I may have to be fire my at tourney just to be able to ask those four questions.

I just cant get out of this.  It seems like pile after pile of shit just keep raining down on me.



FML.

SO why are you still alive?

I have a friend who is a little depressed.  We have been talking off and on for quite some time but she is having boy trouble and life trouble and work too.

In our discussion she is telling me how she is so depressed and she asks me why I never killed myself.  I tried to explain in a few different ways but it just did not register.  I explained that there are different types of people who are out there and there are different types of people who try to commit suicide.

In general a person who tells everyone when and how they are going to kill themselves are  often looking for help.  I explained to her by the fact that she is contacting me and asking me questions she is looking for help.  I think our communication helped her but she asked me a tough question.  And I have been thinking about it for sometime. 

It is easy to say that I am alive because I made a miscalculation on my dosage last Nov 3rd.  But in reality if my subconscious mind was afraid to die it would hide the fact that I made a simple  mathematical error.

SO he question still resides  .. my answer is this.  If we accept that just because you are not happy does not mean you are sad; than just because you no longer wish to live ... does not necessarily indicate that you want to die.

And that is that.  My ex GF called me up yesterday and asked me how I am.  I skirted the question.  She asked me what I do in my free time.  I skirted that one as well.  How do you tell someone you care for and want to impress that you spend all your free time reading the internet or playing minecraft?

I don't feel depressed.  I don't feel sad.  I am just done feeling.  I have no desire to live any longer.  I have almost completed most of my good bye letters.  But I am not done.  I do not have a desire to die.  So until that time happens I am stuck here in a dead  end job with not life or friends avoiding people and family like the plague.

My days are not without happiness.  I am allowed to enjoy family guy .. I can fall asleep watching the news. .. I don't have  to worry about saying the wrong thing and inadvertently starting an argument.

Life is very different after the divorce.  We have been apart for a year now .. and while I can not say that it is at all better.  I can with certainty say it is different and I don't have to pretend as much.

I didn't ask my friend for fear it would make her want to die .. but .. What makes you want to die ?  I have a list of things .. but none of them have happened yet. 

I think it is good for people to know what they will live for and die for before that issue happens so that they can be prepared in the event of a situation.

I finally got to me my kids .. and got to be happy

not sure how or why I didnt recognize her.  Not sure how it ended up happening .. but I ran into them.  I was simply walking down a grocery isle and boom.

I didnt want to be arrested so I turned and walked away.  Without saying a word.

But to my glorious surprise I was tackled by the youngest and fell to the ground.  And the oldest jumped on top of the pile just like it was two years ago and this had all never happened.

And my heart stopped and my eyes swelled up and my throat closed off.  I looked up at my eldest and he said are you ok?

And I was so elated I could not even begin to speak so I shook my head yes.  I have no recall of ever having been this happy ... and he smiled at me.

I was so excited I could not find the words and when I went to speak them nothing came out.  I was so smothered in this feeling I was unable to breathe.  And as I lay there gasping for air ... happy and my body physically recoiling to the emotion I felt ...


I awoke.  It was just another reaction to the lack of O2 provided by my sleep apnea.  My pillow case lay wet from my tears.  I have no idea how long I was crying or how long I was gasping for air ... but now I am awake and  ....

Well I guess I got my wish.  I remembered a dream.  I am not sure if it is best to remember our dreams.  But at least I can say in the last 12 months there is one time when i was happy.  Even if it was for a brief moment in time as my eyes moved back in forth thru REM sleep.  So I count it as happy.  It doesn't matter how brief it was or in what stage of consciousness it existed.  it doesn't even matter if it did not happen ... but for me at the brief point in time ..  it was real and I could feel and smell my children. 






.... and be happy.  isnt that what we all want?

What is Love?

Although I truly think my X tries to be a good parent; I still worry about my eldest.

I don't think I understand love.  When I go on dating websites I see people post all  the time saying that my children are my everything and come first in my life.

That leaves me with the thought that .. well if you are dating someone new .. does that not mean you are taking something away from your children?

I don't believe that love can be measured by normal definitions of the term measure.  And I am not sure that you can compare love from one item to another.

How is it that a woman can decide to not love a man and divorce him and yet in the same breath decide not to ever stop loving a younger boy .. who she is raising as her son.

Is it that there is a different relationship and that it is not equal so it is easier to control the relationship?

But if my Ex can fall out of love with me and dislike me for my Aspie characteristics ... how do I know she wont do the same for my eldest child?

Love kind of escapes me.  I know that I have felt it.  But just because I loved Mindy did not take away from the previous relationship with Monica.  But Mindy wanted it to.

I do not want to be non monogamous ..  I am simply stating for someone who is confused by love it is hard for me to measure and to decide who I love more and what kind of love I feel for one and not for another.

Just a few thought to think about while I drift off to sleep tonight.  I haven't used any sleeping meds for a week now.  I am off of all mood altering/ serotonin enhancing medications.  I am not having nearly the same difficulties as I was last year at this time .. yet I am still not remembering my dreams.

I think tonight I will go to sleep thinking about love and what it means to me and to others.  Hopefully I may be able to gain a little insight as I sleep on it.

Thrston County Familiy Court

Every time I feel my self driving to that part of Tumwater I get sick in my stomach. 

I had to go there today.  I have a court case on Mar 26 about my children.  I will be out of state during this time and not able to attend.  When I first went up to the ladies at the window; they told me there is no way to change it.  I can simply go upstairs and talk to another female and they can schedule a telephonic trial.

I went up stairs and talked to the lady upstairs.  She said I would have to sit on my phone from 830 to possibly 1130.  I asked her why it is not possible to switch dates.   She said I just need to go downstairs. 

I went down stairs and talked to the same lady as I did 10 mins prior and she had no idea who I was.  She then got another person who said that I can fill out a piece of paper to make an motion to change the date.  Then I need to pay money to file it.  If it get rejected because it is type wrong it will be additional 15$.  Then I will need to pay to have a certified copy go to Melinda.

So I asked when I get this all done will I be presenting testimony on the day I ask for it to be changed or on the new date?

... she says you will not get to anymore testimony because the judgement has already been made against you.  So in my Dissolution of Marriage and in this case both .. I will never be able to present my side.  Not that anyone would care.

I truly hate this court house and this system and how far it can be bent against a person who has no means to defend himself.

I think its times to finish the letters to my kids.


It is just this simple.  She asked for the order .. when she is ready for me to see the kids she will ask for it to be removed.

I cant keep fighting this .. it is killing me inside.  My only reason for life is denied to me by her.

Muse ings

On Friday I went out to see a concert.  Muse played in front of 30,00 + at the key Arena in Seattle WA.  I have been hurting for funds but a friend had an extra ticket and invited me along.

I appreciate it.

Its times like that however when I feel the most different.  When I am at home I am me.  There is no one to compare or contrast against so I seem normal.  When I am surrounded by people I enjoy looking at them and studying them; but I have no idea why music does not make me feel the way that they do.  They jump and dance and sing.  They touch each other and look at each other like they are saying that they enjoy the music.  I tap my leg to the beat.

And as all this was happening in what seemed to be a very surreal experience with a fabulous light show and magnificent engineering; I am wondering at what wave lengths the lasers are operating at.  I am curious as to how the engineer operates the light show and how they musician operate thier instruments.

I really really enjoy almost all of Muse's songs.  There where some negative parts because a lot of their music came out during my marriage and it reminded me of said marriage.

But all in all it was an excellently produced show.  By far the best choreographed concert I have ever seen.  I loved the tribute to Jimmy Hendrix with the national anthem.

When I am surrounded by that many people I become drained.  I am anxious that the chances of someone doing something stupid is greater as well as is the threat of terrorism.  But apart of the uncertainty of what may or may not happen; .. the people and their manners suck energy from me and leave me tired after shows.