Over Share

I am getting better at lying to people.  I try to understand when people are sincere or when people are just attempting to express pleasantries.

Today people where chatting at the lunchroom table talking about the football games about their wages and about winning the lottery.

One of the girls at the table asked me what are the first three things I would do if I won the lottery (1 million dollars)

Some people talked about huge vacations or lavish purchases.  Some talked about homes and educations.  But I guess I am in a different place in life.

When asked what three things I would do I replied:

"Im not sure if there are three things but If I had to do three things I would divide the money in half and set up half for my children's college fund.  And the second half I would give to my X Wife."

um .. but when you are are out of money how are you gonna afford do for a third thing?

"well my third thing is go off quietly find a place where no one could ever find me and silently kill myself on a cold winter morning"

it's true.  it's from the heart. but it's not what normal people want to hear.

some kinda of smiled and played it off as a bad joke so I kinda smiled.  But one of the girls knows I am completely truthful.

I am done.  I had a great life.  I enjoyed it and I enjoyed my family.  I am not sad nor upset; occasionally I am angry.  I don't want to do it to prove a point.  I just want to not be.

There are very few things that keep me from going away.  That is namely my child's fiscal welfare.  But just because I go to work each day does not mean I am better.  because I am not longer depressed doesn't mean I am fixed.  it just means I have found an answer.  its not longer a question of if.  Its a questions of when.  Its not a question of  "I will show them" its more of I will make sure they are cared for and then leave.

But a lunchroom at work is prob not the best location to discuss such things.