Black Belt Test

So I failed my black belt test.

Or at least this is the lie I will tell people from now on.  I trained for over 10 years for this day. I had known my friend and coach for over 6 years.  I was getting in shape physically and despite problems in my life I would not let them deter me from my goal.

It was suppose to be a grand occasion.  Me and two "friends" were suppose to be all promoted on the same day.  But I did not foresee the test.

After all the technique and theory and procedure had been drilled.  And after all the history and politics have been memorized what is left?  There is a certain aspect of "martial arts" that needs to be retained and passed down.

In America I think  we are very poor at this.  Most people jump school seeing this simply as a service I pay for and not seeing the relationship between student and teacher as a bond.

To be a black belt you should at all times conduct oneself as a black belt.  This does not mean you will have super human strength or even some superior guidance from upon high, but rather that you simply hold your self to a standard that most people do not aspire too.

This is where I failed.  I learned so much of the Japanese culture from my past relationship with Masako.  I loved her dearly but the mechanics of the relationship and the time in my life set us up for failure.

In Japan they have a saying that to being accused of a crime is almost as bad as to actually having ever committed that crime.

My crime; fraternization.  I was talking to a Student online and via text.  She was an adult however she was not 21 and I offered to provide her alcohol.  I had arranged a time for us to meet.  And those were my crimes.

It is very easy for people to speculate what could of or what would have happened.  Its also even easier to expect that bad intentions when faced with the fact the the girl is amazingly gorgeous.

I do not deny that I did these things.  And I understand the the line on which we hold ourselves is very slim.  it is very easy for us to waiver and fall from ethical to non ethical behavior.

So where to I go from here?  I am 40 now.  My health will only get worse.  I by all rights should have already had a gym by now and well on to be working on creating a team.  But instead I am not.  I have given up on Jiujitsu.  I have given up on myself.  I have not practiced for almost three months and it eats away at me inside every time I see or here or smell something regarding Jiujitsu.

A black belt test is not something you take after years of perfecting technique.

Rather it is something they teach you from day one about respect and honor that you practice every day.  Your black belt test is something that you must struggle with and thru every day in the process.  Being a Black Belt is the not the achievement at the end of the journey it is the process in which one endures thru on the journey to becoming a better person.