Bully

So I have a friend in Germany ... one I know online only.  She is English living in a foreign country and going to university over there fro her Masters (Sociology).  She got divorced relatively same time frame (like 5 months before I did) and she was around back when I was butt hurt and she shared her pain about her divorce with me.  Now most days we talk about Sociology, Psychology, Autism and and the shit storm which is my life.  I told her she could use me for a paper.

So any who .. today at work one of the Anesthesia providers was goofing with me and called me a bully.  I know she was not intentionally being mean to me .. However it struck something deep.

Something I haven't really did a lot of thinking on. Something I have been thinking on lately and will think about tomorrow morning on my walk.

When I was younger I was bullied.  Quiet a bit.  And strangely enough to combat that fear I had of these people I took a different approach.  Because I didn't want to feel the pain of the bullying I found that if I agreed with the bullies they would find different prey.  And it wasn't just agreeing with them .. it was actually being an asshat to other kids and teasing them so that I did not get teased.

I think this is the beginning of my Sarcasm and acting out nature.  I found that if I caused problems in class and people laughed at me ... I didn't stand out in a weird way .. just a bad way.  and in a 13 yr old boys mind .. bad is better than weird.

I know that my relationship with my sister to this day is strained because of my "bullying" nature.  Whilst I can not give alot of specifics I do know that it was not that easy for her to grow up in the same vicinity.

I know that my Ex found if frustrating because of my  "bullying" of her.  I would insist that arguments follow a logic course.  I would insist on clear and concise speech patterns.  I would attack her for her "flowery" emotional hyperbole.   And even to the point where I would state her idea is wrong simply because I did not or could not comprehend it.

As I talk with Donna (Girl in Germany) We discuss slut shamming, bullying, and homophobia.  She has started teaching me on subtle things that we see daily in our advertisements and in our normal speech patterns which are sexist and derogatory.   Me being Aspie I often times do not see things until she draws them out for me and then I am like .. wow .. I never knew that was there!

But having someone at work call me the bully brings back a fear of mine from my very young teen years. I do not want to be bullied.  That however  I can not stop.  But I do not want to be a bully either.  I want to fix myself so I am not teasing the younger Soldiers.  I want to not tease people who make mistakes.  I want not to be a gossip or a pessimist.

But I guess it needs to be done with baby steps.  So Saturday when I talk with Donna I will ask her, Her thoughts on the situation and how I can be a more productive employee without getting upset when others do poor work and not tease them for doing such.

As for my former spouse and sister. Well I can not go back to those relationships.  I can not say I am sorry that when ever you criticize me I go on the attack.  I can not say I am sorry that when you speak in flowery creative syntax I am not able to understand nor comprehend your message.

But  .. What I hope.  If I can fix my self just a little bit.  Hopefully I can teach this lesson to my eldest so that as he grows up he will become the bully I once was.

Being different is not bad.  Is it simply not like me and therefor not easily understood by me.  Seems simple enough.  I hope that I start to progress in it.

Cancer

Strangely emotional day for me.  A lot going on.  But something that hit me ...

When I was married .. well at least when I stood in church .. I thought it would be forever.

And although I lover my ex .. and despite that am still divorced ... so it should not surprise me that I find out "news" late.

He is not part of my family. But he was once. And although we may not really have been close ... and I often times got upset with him for calling his sister a slut or say negative things about her and her life choices ... my Brother in Law .. well X now ..

I found of he has cancer.  And maybe it was going to my grandma and seeing all the photos of me and my ex.  Maybe it was my Son's B day .. maybe it was going to my others house after a year ...

but it hit me and hard.

I would never wish this on anyone and I pray for God to help him thru this.  But I am not sure why it hit me so much .. but because I knew it would have caused Mindy pain and I was not there to help her thru it.

I always thought my job was to help her thru her pain.  She called me when her grandma died .. and even before that .. other negative things she would share with me.  I guess it is finally settling in that despite me considering her my best friend ... I will never be the person to help her go thru problems.  I wont be there listening.  I wont be there to console her or to hold her.

So I guess the only thing I can do for her is offer a prayer for her brother.  And hope and pray that God grants her entire family mercy.

Psycho Sexual Evaluation

Last month I was forced to take a psycho sexual evaluation.  In short it reads .... that I am not a sexual misfit but rather I make bad choices.  It described me as a abuser of women who seeks only relationship where there is a power control issue where I have power over the complete relationship ...  it discusses my obsessions with women, nudity .. and the worst part;


The recommendations are that I be prohibited from the internet.

Yeah.


Wow.


I get that people feel pornography is wrong.  I get that people think that a 40 yr old should never date anyone under 35.  I even get that I am mental a may need counseling.

However.  For someone who never leaves their apt .. who only goes to work and lives on the internet.  Who's only friends are via internet and text ... this shows soooo much lack of understanding my life.

It would kill me.  Not only could I not pay bills or check my bank account.  I could not watch TV.  I could not go shopping.  I could not have friends.  Or read, or laugh, or experience anything in my life that is keeping me getting better.

She went ever further to say that I should be monitored to what books I read from the book store.

I go to see my probation officer on July 17.  I go to court on Aug 8th.  I do not see these two things going well for me.

I would really hate going to prison for splashing water.  I would really hate to loose my retirement. I would really hate to loose ever seeing my kids again.

But in reality its not about me.  What will benefit society?   What will benefit my kids?


I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

Z.J.

I know it three ... but I can’t sleep.  I know I have Army Drill in 3 hours but I can’t get it out of my head.

I had a dream that I was at a birthday party with my youngest son's birthday (which in reality is happening in about a week) we were at Dirty Dave's pizza (somewhere I may have not have been in 10years or so.

Everything was happy and clear.  Everything was normal.  Not that I even know what normal is.  And when I went to give my gift to him I noticed my hands were not my own.

He looked at me and say thanks Dad; because he doesn't call me daddy anymore.  and for 9 months he hasn't called me anything. But he’s happy and all the kids are crazy as is the normal fare for children's birthdays.

But back to the hands... they creeped me out. So I ran to the bathroom and look at them and when I look in the mirror it is not me.  I have been replaced.

I see a 50 yr old man.  Much taller than myself.  A person I recognize now that I am awake as a former friend... But in the dream I could not see what was happening.

All I know is I was being replaced for this older version of me.  He had many of the same habits and philosophies.  He had devoted much of his life to the martial arts as did I.  He had a love for kids and teaching children.  But his benefits are that he was normal.  He was able to navigate social situations.  He did not speak on impulse or say things that hurt people feelings on accident.  He didn't avoid society.  He didn't have issue in expressing his feelings; and when they were expressed people understood them.  And best of all ... he was not me.

My family was happy with this pseudo me.  So who am I to complain right?  SO I guess it’s not considered a nightmare.  But I do miss the kids.

It’s hard for me to come at my youngest Son's birthday.  I want to be a good parent.  I want to do what is right for him.  I want not to be motivated by selfishness and longing for him.

But I am not sure what is best.  SO I will think about several options and then try to do what is best.

I know that it is important no matter what I do that I keep providing money to Melinda.  The children should not want.

But if the children have a new father will I, and my Aspie nature cause t hem more harm than good by being in their lives?

Or would it be better if I was in another state?

I have already gone the route of death and leaving the life insurance to them.  I owe $115,000 in child support.  I can easily provide more than that if I was accidentally killed or murdered.  But that is just as likely as winning the lottery.

Next month I will be taking a parenting class.  I am hoping they can offer some keys to me on what really is best for them.   I don't even know if they are going to really remember me when we meet again.  I am not sure if they miss me or even care what happened.  I am sure they have been filled up with a line from their current parents ... but is it even important that they ever understand the truth?

I don't think so.  I think sometimes when things break and bad things happen its ok for them to be hidden and swept under the rug.  People don't like reminders in their life of past mistakes.  I am sure my Ex looks at my children and wonders what life would have been if she had never made the mistake of getting married to me.

But it’s got to be about the kids. 

Happy Birth Day Zac.  I am sorry I am a bad influence in your life.

Relationships.

In my sexual deviancy evaluation the therapist made a comment.  Now although the words do not stick in my head .. the concepts behind the words do.

My life has been plagued by inappropriate relationships.  By inappropriate she meant anything that was considered out of normal by the general populace.  For my domestic violence class homework I have had to go thru all the women that I have dated and discuss why the relationship didn't work and what controlling behaviors were present if any.

Examples. 

I have ignored all the relationship prior to college. 

Masako.  One of the three greatest loves of my life. I wanted to propose but was a coward. I wanted to move to Japan and be with her .. but somehow kept finding excuses.  She was an exchange student and came thru my work study at the school.  Prior to her I had hit on a few girls and when I was with her I was often teased because people believed me to like Japanese women over American women.

Christina.  She was an instructor at my martial arts gym. She was 19 yrs old when we dated.  Because of the sexual nature of the relationship I believe I started feeling emotion to early.  It last only 4 months.  She broke up with me because she just wanted us to be friends with benefits.  She is the first woman to break up with me and date  my martial arts instructor.

Katrina.  I got fired over Katrina.  She was a manager at my place of work (McDonalds) and we had a relationship. Although she was senior to me; I think I took a brunt of the criticism.  I was fired from my job do to complications resulting from my relationship with her.

Monica. The most inappropriate relationship in my life.  She was a minor.  She was a friend while I dated Katrina.  And she had even come to Katrina and Mine apartment.  She was a student and the martial arts gym I taught at.  And despite my better judgment we started dating.  30 days prior to her 16th B day she came at me with an ultimatum.  Sex or break up.  I found this strange because I had waited till I was 20 and because we had discussed that we would wait till marriage.  We didn't wait.  It was a mistake.  The relationship went well but it could not withstand the distance the army required.  We separated.  I thought because of distance; but she was the second female to leave me for one of my martial arts instuctors.

Mindy.  My relationship started quickly with Mindy after my break up with Monica.  She knew and I knew I still had strong feeling for Monica.  But I ignored them and soon fell in love with Mindy.  We met at my job at the MEPS.  I was responsible for doing physicals on applicant into the military.   She was also in my unit.  Both these things are very inappropriate and not condoned in the Army.  The relationship ended 13 years later when she left me for my martial arts instructor.  A different one this time ..but that is not important.

now there have been several other minor instances of a date here and there or me asking a girl out and being denied.  Stuff that is all normal I would assume for the general populace.  Yet ... I had asked out other women on dates who I worked with at the international exchange student program in college.  I have asked out other women at my gym.  I was even most recently kicked out of my gym for asking a girl out to dinner.

With regards to men I have had several inappropriate relationships. Not sexual but none the less not normal.  I have never had a strong father figure in my life.  Me and my brother are not close to one another.  I think that often times I put males into one of several different categories. 

To often do I consider people friends before they are really my friend.  This often leads to heart ache but I have progressed.

Sometimes I have become close to one of my older Martial arts instructors and treated them like a father figure or a religious leader.

Other times I have had relationships with males who are clearly no where near my age.  When I was 23 I had several friends who were all in High School.  We played dungeon and dragons.  We trained kung Fu and we had common interests.  When I  was 30 years old I had several friends all turning 21.  I remember to this day the fun we had in Seattle going around different bars for their B day.  And now that I am 40 I find that some of the guys I talk to online about video games and politics are in their low 20s and 30s.

I don't socialize well with many people.  And unfortunately I dont socialize with people my own age.  I have a history of inappropriate actions from misunderstanding friendships to asking out women at work.  And now that I am old I find myself still not knowing good from bad.

But there is help. My evaluator has made some suggestions.  I do not date any girl under the age of 28.  (pretty easy because I am not dating right  now)  I do not make female friends and "meet" with females under the age of 28.  I do not "hang out" with males under the age of 26 however I am allowed to speak with them at times and maybe help them move or something that is simple.

since the first time I had sex.  I have been in a relationship.  to date ... this is the longest time I have been out of a relationship since I gave up celibacy.




Some parts of me wish I never did give it up.  It has caused me nothing but heart ache and grief.  It has ruined and had bad outcomes on others lives.

So I guess its time to grow up.  Not do what I want to do or feel I ought to do, but do what society expects of me.  It was much easier when I was married because Mindy would say to me .. "People dont say that in public" or "dont make that facial expression."   My Ex was very astute at navigating through social pitfalls and now I feel like I am climbing without belay. 

Maybe the internet is not the best place to learn social etiquette.  But I am trying.  I am learning to lie to people and make them feel better about themselves.  I try to give a compliment to people for no purpose.  And the hardest part for me I am trying to keep sardonic or cynical comments to myself and not say mean things.  This is the hardest for me.

A friend at work just got divorce and last night she lost custody of her kids in court.  From out of the wood work people poured out on facebook and sent her prayers and best regards.  When that happened to me a year ago .... most people unfriendly me on Facebook.  Everyone I knew stopped texting me.  And very few people sent their prayers my way.

This has everything to do with who I am.  And how I act and how I have acted over the past 20 years of adult life.  While she is kind and helpful .. i am not.  The negative aspects to my personality so far overshadow the good aspects it is hard for most people to over look them.  This is the reason of my divorce.  This is the reason of my excommunication from my martial arts gym.  And this is the reason for the mass exodus of friends.

You know I really don't understand relationships.  I think I should read a book on them.

Emotion.

Emotion is not something new to me; however it has always been something I did differently than others. 

People who do not know me well say I am unemotional.  However people who know me well say I am overly emotional and melodramatic.

Kind-of strange right?

I remember once my Ex said she doesn’t remember that last time she saw me cry, or something like that was the first time I saw you cry.

And as it seems when I was younger and before my pituitary died I was more even keel with my hormones.  Despite growing up with common outbursts and emotional spillage; I learned after 30 years or so how to control myself.

My ex was emotional; but in a good way.  She conquered everything in her life with emotion.  She used her emotional nature to overcome diversity.  I never- scratch that; I DON’T really understand it.

I am not a believer of showing negative emotions in public.  So today was slightly strange.

A few months ago I thought it would be best to try it out how normal neuro typicals do.  I am trying to learn more about the emotional nature of man and how we display it. 

So I realized that with the rising costs of my medication and the declining amounts in my checking account; that I could skip one of my expensive medications... Save money, and become emotional... All at once.

So as I go around my days for the past few months ... I feel and experience more than usual.  I am not so apathetic.  I think I feel more if that somehow makes sense.   I figured the only way to get thru this lost and anger was to actually feel it. Experience it. Then get over it.  And by my normal nature and knowing how long it took me to get over Monica.... well I just don’t have 5 or 10 years. 

So I am using something I didn’t have when I was 25.  Lack of testosterone. 

Now I cry when I miss my Ex.  I cry when I think of all the happy times I had with my kids.  I am hurt when I think about my X Mother in law.  I miss Tyrone and Sam; even the Church and all the things that used to be in my life.  I still miss rolling at the gym .. and despite being angry with Robert I still miss the “friendship” we had. All my old dead life .. the cats .. the yard .. the neighborhood.

And as I miss these things I think I process them faster by feeling them thou roughly then I can dispose of the feeling.  I am trying to imitate what I think my ex would do. (emotionally)

and so .. why I am writing this.   Because I was embarrassed today.  I was driving to Safeway.  A place I hate to go .. not because I don’t life food .. but because I hate going in public because I don’t want to see people from my dead life and especially at Safeway where I run into more people than anywhere else.  I try to stay in my APT as much as possible.  It solves all those issues.

And so .. on the way to Safeway .. I heard something outside the car and it reminded me of a song Jake once made for me.  He recorded it on his Ipod.  About me and him going away and having a good time .. and enjoying ourselves in Mexico.  It was very cute.  It was original. It was Jake.  And I loved it so much .. I regret not having made a copy.  I hope this memory I never forget .. because honestly it is one of my best memories in my life.
and I started to tear up .. and although my glasses protected me from others view .. I couldn’t leave the truck.  I had to regain my composure... Something I need to do now as tears stream from my eyes.  I wish I was a writer and I could explain how much I miss my boys.

So I waited the three minutes I needed to control myself.  And proceeded to shop.  It was a success.  I didn’t meet anyone in the store.  I left without a tear.  And I overcame the feeling of my children.

What do you get your best friend on her wedding day?

The wedding day is getting closer.  And she is happier than she ever has been in her life.  I at one time was her best friend and now am a terrible memory.

I am still hurt inside emotionally but I do have to make a decision.

What do I get my best friend on her wedding day?

It was easy last time.  We were young it was "our" wedding day.  I still remember what she looked like in her dress. She was so proud. She stood up there like and angel and everyone marveled at her beauty.  She was in her mind thinking that the whole world was hers and that she had found an ideal existence.

Unfortunately my nature over the period of 11 years would tarnish this.

Now she has found a new best friend and a new husband.  She is moving on with her life; and all I can assume is that me in her life will undoubtedly complicate all the matters.  She has two children and soon will have two more.  They have a home and cars and jobs and a business and all the making of a family.

All my presence does it deter that.  I think my presence in the children's life may be non beneficial.  I am unsure what is the best for the children.  But I think I may have found out what is best for her.

I have heard it so many times in my life ...

"If you love something set it free.  If it returns than it was truly yours and if it never does .."

Well .. than I guess its someone else's.  So maybe the best thing for her on her wedding day .. is to drop all negativity about her.  To drop all arguments and complicated feelings.  To forget her and to forget our past life together.  The best gift will be to leaver her alone and let her continue with her life as best she can and simply be happy that she is happy in herself with her new life.

So now I have a goal and set out to see if my heart can perform what my mind requests.

I wish them the best of luck.  He is her chance at having a happy normal life.  He is my son's chance and seeing what an normal male adult behaves like.  I think maybe that is what is best for the Aspie child.  To be surrounded  by NT.  To live in a NT life. be surrounded by people although not like him who love him and have great concern for him.

And for her .. a new start.  A relationship with someone who is able to communicate and express emotion.  Someone who is able to pick up on ques and no how to respond when she needs affection or needs attention or needs to be listened to.  And who is able to understand the difference when what time is what. He can be someone who supports her in her career paths and supports her in everything she does, and not question or investigate her thoughts or motives.  Someone who is not abusive like I have been.

So what do you get your Best friend of 14 years for her Wedding Day?  I guess sometimes it's silence.

Immaturity

As I alluded to, I have always had problems with Immaturity.

At one Ironic point in my life I had a 52 yr old man telling me how people like "our" age should act; and then in the next sentence say I was immature.  But I am not in my 50s.

But I am 40 now.  And I have no idea ow to act 40.

The therapists gave me some tests.  look at 50 different pictures of people faces and try to match the face with a certain mood or emotion.  I failed kinda bad.  Then next test had pictures of both males and females .. and well I failed that test too.  Now these are traits common to Aspie's but somehow this is very leading into describing some problems I have had in my life.

When I was 23 I had a friend. He was 16.  We trained Martial Arts together.  We chatted everyday about stuff.  I helped him learn to drive.  He graduated High School and somehow we ended up loosing contact a bit after he graduated College and I had gotten married.

When I was married I hung out mostly with my Ex wives friends.  So typically I was surrounded by people 8 to 10 years younger than me all the time.  At the gym I hung out with the typical males who want to do MMA (19 -29) and it never seemed an issue.  In the Army I was surrounded by teens and young twenties. 

Then I got divorced.  Or may divorce got me. but now .. I find myself 40.  and no 40 year old friends.  Sometimes I would find myself talking to a female and think she is hitting on me (something I straight up admit that I am terrible at sensing or understanding) and when I find out her age I think to myself that wow .. a 24 yr old with no kids.  This is way below the criteria for which I have set for myself.

Sometimes I am luck and I find a nice 32 yr old to talk too.  I found a great girl online who is 42 and she lives in Colorado and she seems to understand me a little and is not afraid of me being weird. But this is of course after I told her that when I chat with people online I am not up for ever meeting in real life.

So it seems .. through out my life it seems that I have had a terrible time finding people similar to me or people on the same maturity level and yet the same age.  I didn't learn to drive at 16.  I didn't go to prom.  I didn't loose my virginity before I was 20.  I didn't go out drinking for my 21rst B Day.  Of all the rituals set up for men in this culture everything I have done has been late.  Immature.

Now looking upon most my relationships ... Angela, Daniela .. both girls who hit on me and broke up with me because I would not do anything more than kiss and hold hands.  Kimi was just a set up from some friends to get me to loose my virginity and I never noticed till it was too late.  Masako was a girl I dated I met at work.  Katrina was a girl I met at work and got fired for sleeping with.  Monica was a under age girl from my martial arts gym. Melinda was a girl from work, a girl from my unit and even a female who would later be under my supervision in the military.  Out of all my relationships in my life they have all been inappropriate.  Either at school, at the gym, or at work.

The therapist describes this as immaturity.  Not able to have functional normal relationships.  Almost all the women I have ever dated showed extreme aggressiveness and flirtatiousness towards me. If they simply did not have any interest I never really made a move to ask them out.

So now my Therapist asks me how I am doing now.

Well I am not dating.  I am not looking.  I am working solely on getting access to my children.  I have made some decisions.  I do not date or even go out with girls under 28.  And I am thinking about applying this rule to men under 28 too.  And as much as I want a family .. I am not looking.  I think the chances of me having another Apsie child are high.  Which would be selfish.  I think the realistic financial situation is that I will never be able to support a family with the amount of money I make.   So I don't date.  Maybe once the kids are over 18 and I have money once again.  But it is a selfish thought for me to want to stat a new family.  As I look back on all the females that lives have been touched with me in their lives ... none of them have good consequences.

I guess maturity is learning to grow up and realize that my argumentative cynical nature is not conducive to an equal 50 50 relationship.  I guess maturity it putting your children's happiness in front of your own; even if it means not dating or getting married to another for a little bit.  I am trying hard to work on selfishness.  But as regards to maturity .. I don't know how or where to start.