Z.J.

I know it three ... but I can’t sleep.  I know I have Army Drill in 3 hours but I can’t get it out of my head.

I had a dream that I was at a birthday party with my youngest son's birthday (which in reality is happening in about a week) we were at Dirty Dave's pizza (somewhere I may have not have been in 10years or so.

Everything was happy and clear.  Everything was normal.  Not that I even know what normal is.  And when I went to give my gift to him I noticed my hands were not my own.

He looked at me and say thanks Dad; because he doesn't call me daddy anymore.  and for 9 months he hasn't called me anything. But he’s happy and all the kids are crazy as is the normal fare for children's birthdays.

But back to the hands... they creeped me out. So I ran to the bathroom and look at them and when I look in the mirror it is not me.  I have been replaced.

I see a 50 yr old man.  Much taller than myself.  A person I recognize now that I am awake as a former friend... But in the dream I could not see what was happening.

All I know is I was being replaced for this older version of me.  He had many of the same habits and philosophies.  He had devoted much of his life to the martial arts as did I.  He had a love for kids and teaching children.  But his benefits are that he was normal.  He was able to navigate social situations.  He did not speak on impulse or say things that hurt people feelings on accident.  He didn't avoid society.  He didn't have issue in expressing his feelings; and when they were expressed people understood them.  And best of all ... he was not me.

My family was happy with this pseudo me.  So who am I to complain right?  SO I guess it’s not considered a nightmare.  But I do miss the kids.

It’s hard for me to come at my youngest Son's birthday.  I want to be a good parent.  I want to do what is right for him.  I want not to be motivated by selfishness and longing for him.

But I am not sure what is best.  SO I will think about several options and then try to do what is best.

I know that it is important no matter what I do that I keep providing money to Melinda.  The children should not want.

But if the children have a new father will I, and my Aspie nature cause t hem more harm than good by being in their lives?

Or would it be better if I was in another state?

I have already gone the route of death and leaving the life insurance to them.  I owe $115,000 in child support.  I can easily provide more than that if I was accidentally killed or murdered.  But that is just as likely as winning the lottery.

Next month I will be taking a parenting class.  I am hoping they can offer some keys to me on what really is best for them.   I don't even know if they are going to really remember me when we meet again.  I am not sure if they miss me or even care what happened.  I am sure they have been filled up with a line from their current parents ... but is it even important that they ever understand the truth?

I don't think so.  I think sometimes when things break and bad things happen its ok for them to be hidden and swept under the rug.  People don't like reminders in their life of past mistakes.  I am sure my Ex looks at my children and wonders what life would have been if she had never made the mistake of getting married to me.

But it’s got to be about the kids. 

Happy Birth Day Zac.  I am sorry I am a bad influence in your life.