Emotion.

Emotion is not something new to me; however it has always been something I did differently than others. 

People who do not know me well say I am unemotional.  However people who know me well say I am overly emotional and melodramatic.

Kind-of strange right?

I remember once my Ex said she doesn’t remember that last time she saw me cry, or something like that was the first time I saw you cry.

And as it seems when I was younger and before my pituitary died I was more even keel with my hormones.  Despite growing up with common outbursts and emotional spillage; I learned after 30 years or so how to control myself.

My ex was emotional; but in a good way.  She conquered everything in her life with emotion.  She used her emotional nature to overcome diversity.  I never- scratch that; I DON’T really understand it.

I am not a believer of showing negative emotions in public.  So today was slightly strange.

A few months ago I thought it would be best to try it out how normal neuro typicals do.  I am trying to learn more about the emotional nature of man and how we display it. 

So I realized that with the rising costs of my medication and the declining amounts in my checking account; that I could skip one of my expensive medications... Save money, and become emotional... All at once.

So as I go around my days for the past few months ... I feel and experience more than usual.  I am not so apathetic.  I think I feel more if that somehow makes sense.   I figured the only way to get thru this lost and anger was to actually feel it. Experience it. Then get over it.  And by my normal nature and knowing how long it took me to get over Monica.... well I just don’t have 5 or 10 years. 

So I am using something I didn’t have when I was 25.  Lack of testosterone. 

Now I cry when I miss my Ex.  I cry when I think of all the happy times I had with my kids.  I am hurt when I think about my X Mother in law.  I miss Tyrone and Sam; even the Church and all the things that used to be in my life.  I still miss rolling at the gym .. and despite being angry with Robert I still miss the “friendship” we had. All my old dead life .. the cats .. the yard .. the neighborhood.

And as I miss these things I think I process them faster by feeling them thou roughly then I can dispose of the feeling.  I am trying to imitate what I think my ex would do. (emotionally)

and so .. why I am writing this.   Because I was embarrassed today.  I was driving to Safeway.  A place I hate to go .. not because I don’t life food .. but because I hate going in public because I don’t want to see people from my dead life and especially at Safeway where I run into more people than anywhere else.  I try to stay in my APT as much as possible.  It solves all those issues.

And so .. on the way to Safeway .. I heard something outside the car and it reminded me of a song Jake once made for me.  He recorded it on his Ipod.  About me and him going away and having a good time .. and enjoying ourselves in Mexico.  It was very cute.  It was original. It was Jake.  And I loved it so much .. I regret not having made a copy.  I hope this memory I never forget .. because honestly it is one of my best memories in my life.
and I started to tear up .. and although my glasses protected me from others view .. I couldn’t leave the truck.  I had to regain my composure... Something I need to do now as tears stream from my eyes.  I wish I was a writer and I could explain how much I miss my boys.

So I waited the three minutes I needed to control myself.  And proceeded to shop.  It was a success.  I didn’t meet anyone in the store.  I left without a tear.  And I overcame the feeling of my children.