Immaturity

As I alluded to, I have always had problems with Immaturity.

At one Ironic point in my life I had a 52 yr old man telling me how people like "our" age should act; and then in the next sentence say I was immature.  But I am not in my 50s.

But I am 40 now.  And I have no idea ow to act 40.

The therapists gave me some tests.  look at 50 different pictures of people faces and try to match the face with a certain mood or emotion.  I failed kinda bad.  Then next test had pictures of both males and females .. and well I failed that test too.  Now these are traits common to Aspie's but somehow this is very leading into describing some problems I have had in my life.

When I was 23 I had a friend. He was 16.  We trained Martial Arts together.  We chatted everyday about stuff.  I helped him learn to drive.  He graduated High School and somehow we ended up loosing contact a bit after he graduated College and I had gotten married.

When I was married I hung out mostly with my Ex wives friends.  So typically I was surrounded by people 8 to 10 years younger than me all the time.  At the gym I hung out with the typical males who want to do MMA (19 -29) and it never seemed an issue.  In the Army I was surrounded by teens and young twenties. 

Then I got divorced.  Or may divorce got me. but now .. I find myself 40.  and no 40 year old friends.  Sometimes I would find myself talking to a female and think she is hitting on me (something I straight up admit that I am terrible at sensing or understanding) and when I find out her age I think to myself that wow .. a 24 yr old with no kids.  This is way below the criteria for which I have set for myself.

Sometimes I am luck and I find a nice 32 yr old to talk too.  I found a great girl online who is 42 and she lives in Colorado and she seems to understand me a little and is not afraid of me being weird. But this is of course after I told her that when I chat with people online I am not up for ever meeting in real life.

So it seems .. through out my life it seems that I have had a terrible time finding people similar to me or people on the same maturity level and yet the same age.  I didn't learn to drive at 16.  I didn't go to prom.  I didn't loose my virginity before I was 20.  I didn't go out drinking for my 21rst B Day.  Of all the rituals set up for men in this culture everything I have done has been late.  Immature.

Now looking upon most my relationships ... Angela, Daniela .. both girls who hit on me and broke up with me because I would not do anything more than kiss and hold hands.  Kimi was just a set up from some friends to get me to loose my virginity and I never noticed till it was too late.  Masako was a girl I dated I met at work.  Katrina was a girl I met at work and got fired for sleeping with.  Monica was a under age girl from my martial arts gym. Melinda was a girl from work, a girl from my unit and even a female who would later be under my supervision in the military.  Out of all my relationships in my life they have all been inappropriate.  Either at school, at the gym, or at work.

The therapist describes this as immaturity.  Not able to have functional normal relationships.  Almost all the women I have ever dated showed extreme aggressiveness and flirtatiousness towards me. If they simply did not have any interest I never really made a move to ask them out.

So now my Therapist asks me how I am doing now.

Well I am not dating.  I am not looking.  I am working solely on getting access to my children.  I have made some decisions.  I do not date or even go out with girls under 28.  And I am thinking about applying this rule to men under 28 too.  And as much as I want a family .. I am not looking.  I think the chances of me having another Apsie child are high.  Which would be selfish.  I think the realistic financial situation is that I will never be able to support a family with the amount of money I make.   So I don't date.  Maybe once the kids are over 18 and I have money once again.  But it is a selfish thought for me to want to stat a new family.  As I look back on all the females that lives have been touched with me in their lives ... none of them have good consequences.

I guess maturity is learning to grow up and realize that my argumentative cynical nature is not conducive to an equal 50 50 relationship.  I guess maturity it putting your children's happiness in front of your own; even if it means not dating or getting married to another for a little bit.  I am trying hard to work on selfishness.  But as regards to maturity .. I don't know how or where to start.