Blink 182 "Stay together for the kids."

I have been struggling with an issue for a very long long time.  My ex is now married.  Mr Owens is now a step father.  And my kids have been away from me for a year.

Ms. Owens is not letting the children see their grandmother.  She writes

"Because of how you have treated me and how you have not taken my concerns seriously and even threatened to sue me and take me to court, I do not feel comfortable with you seeing the boys at this time.  Your emailing my mom and saying you will come see them is I don't reply, only makes me feel more certain of my decision at this time.  The boys are do better than ever.  If you want to earn my trust feel free to do so through mailing the boys using my parents address.  Otherwise please discontinue the emails and calls.  Thank You."

Very well thought out and cruel.  Using the kids in an argument against their grandmother makes me feel hopeless.

What happens when my term is up and I now have custody of the kids?  Will she allow me to see them?  Will she create a new stories to find a way for me to not see them?  Will she call CPS ? The police?

What lengths will she go thru to make others feels pain using the kids as her weapon.

At this point I do not know if me fighting to see them will be beneficial.  I think the children would have been better off if their father killed himself 3NOV12.

I used to listen to the Blink 182 lyrics with me as the child. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1BFHYtZlAU

... but now I put myself in my children's shoes.  It is better to see your father if all your mother and father do is fight?I truly to do not want to hurt my kids.  I want them to have the best upbringing possible.  I am just afraid it is without me.  I am afraid that If her rebound raises them as a step father they might grow up well adjusted.


I am afraid that all this sadness and pain I feel because I miss my kids is simple selfishness.  If you love something let it go right?  Does this include children?

I don't wish to fight with her.  I want what is best for my kids.

terms

I just finished a domestic violence class.  Sunday I had treatment with my SA therapist.

It has almost been a year since I saw my kids.

It has been a year since I tried to kill myself.

I am at the half way mark of my domestic violence class.  I have to do a role play of the incident with me and Melinda and how I splashed water on her.  But as I described what happened I am realizing how much of a coward I have been my whole life.

I somehow and somewhere need to learn to defend myself and stand up for my principles.

 I have never broken up with a girlfriend.  Even when young Monica approached me and started telling her friends we were dating; I knew it was wrong but I was just so happy that someone liked me.

I have been teased all my life.  I have had few friends.  And even fewer people who have treated me well.  I joined BJJ Oly thinking I was going to find people there who treated me well.  I thought this could be a place to make friends.

Tonight I had to talk about the three attempts I have made to kill myself.  I had to discuss how I insulted my best friend.  My only friend.  How I made her scared and made her angry.  And for that I am truly sorry.

It a hard process to come to terms with the fact that no one really likes you.  It is a hard process to come to terms that I am not a nice person.

So somehow; If I really want to live I need to find a way to cope.  I need to learn to change my character.  I need not to be the cynic, not to be selfish, not to be rude.

I have to stop being a victim.  I need to face the fact that I may be non lovable and drive on from there. 

I miss my kids.  Dearly.