Before that I will add; I never tried to be the terrible person I am. I am not sure why I have such strong structures and rituals that surrounds my life. ( I have a lit candle as I type) But if I could have somehow known how my unwavering mannerisms would have and could have damaged my Ex wife; I would have never had proposed. She should have never had to live with me. She should have never had to put up with my inability to speak civilly and my constant antagonistic tones.
I did a lot of damage. I am very sorry for that. It was not intentional; however as I am learning ... intentions mean absolutely nothing.
DP1) what is Domestic Violence? …
Domestic Violence is aggressive or unjust exertion of force (emotional, physical, or otherwise) that creates fear of life or safety for a loved one or someone in the home. Domestic Abuse is similar to Domestic Violence except that it normally represents a pattern, or trend in behavior that intimidates a partner or loved one. The effects that domestic violence can have on communities is economic, legal, and cultural. The monitory cost of domestic violence is high; from police pay, to cost of courts, and jails too the cost for battered women and family shelters can cripple an already burdened economy. In the already full court system the amount of cases continues to rise. The chances of a domestic violence offender who is left untreated to go on and commit larger crimes is high. The cultural effects are even more devastating than the others. The perpetuated belief that females are somehow measured based on their ability to please a male are extremely antiquated. Holding these views are harmful to women who come in contact as well as the children raised in this environment. Culturally; a society that dismisses domestic violence (Kanye West) or worse promotes is (Jerry Springer) will raise a generation of children with poor values and weak standards and expectations for the female half of society.
Domestic Violence can be seen often times in the initial contact in a relationship. A relationship based upon stereo typical roles or prehistoric man – woman concepts can be evident in many online profiles. In an era of electronics and computers it is more important for a female to search out and explore her perspective mate. A male who professes traditional values and wants a woman to stay home to raise the kids will probably not see a relationship and two equals working together for a joint endeavor.
DP2) there are many behaviors that constitute domestic violence. They can be as subtle as walking away during important conversations or even changing the conversation to avoid certain topics or they can be as obvious as verbally abusing them in public or physical abuse. The behaviors in relationship history lists about 40 ways to abuse a spouse. I am certain there are more.
I believe that Domestic Abuse is a pattern; however I do believe that Domestic Violence can be a one-time thing. I personally am not in that minority. I believe that throwing objects, punching walls, and damaging property although not physically harmful to the individual can do mental harm and is domestically violent.
The goal of violent behavior is to try to change it prior to it happening by changing thought processes and hopefully by letting the batterer see what the effect to that violence are so that he can change his actions. Controlling behavior are the less obvious ways that domestic violence presents itself. By controlling a person you are illustrating to them that you are not equals and are placing them in an unequal footing.
DP3) Domestic Violence has several consequences that effect both parties as well as bystanders and other family members. It can harm the victim physically but more importantly it has many effects psychologically. It causes victims to lose confidence, feel hopeless, and many times fear for their safety or life. This can lead to depression, suicide, or other mental diseases. To the children that witness this; it can be seen in evident symptoms of sadness, fear, hopelessness; but it can also produce long term affects and possibly aid in that child to grow up and to become an abuser. The effects it causes on the perpetrator can be many different things. For someone who does not know what they are doing they may mis-perceive their controlling habits and end up losing the most important person in their life. In an individual who knows what they are doing and continues to do so it can lead them down a pathway of crime and most likely prison time and unhappiness.
DP4) Domestic Violence is usually created by one conflicting views on justice, morality, values, and reality. If one believes that a family she behave in one way and then the reality presents itself in a different light the abuser would seek to gain control in order to force it to fit his mold. Domestic Violence is more than out of control behavior. It is often long term thought about beliefs and patterns. It can represent itself in normal daily interactions but often times can be represented in more intimate moments. Certain things like controlling or abusive behaviors in bed. Expecting for intimacy to be all about a female pleasing a man. Ridicule or Criticizing a belief or act. Withholding love and affection in order to persuade another party.
DP5) Minimizing: To make an act seem less important or less critical. Denial: To deny a truth or to omit a truth in order to not face the repercussions. Both minimizing and denial can often be seen in individuals who get caught abusing a loved one. It is often times hard to face the repercussion of breaking the law. It can even be harder facing them when you break a trust. Denial and Minimizing are tools used to evade responsibility. Accountability is the acceptation of ones responsibilities; no matter good or bad. It is easy at work to accept praise for doing a thing well. However it is harder to face family friends and colleagues when you have broken the law. People evade accountability for negative actions because it is an easier path than accepting responsibility and admitting one’s own wrongness and sinfulness.
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It is hard for me to be comfortable with my own sinful nature. I am upset with myself daily. I have thought long and hard on ways to improve but I have also thought long and hard on ways to simply give up. At this point I see know way for me to stop being who I am. And I am indeed flawed. I can just make sure that I keep my flawed self to myself and away from my Ex, my kids, and any other female that I may want to be in a relationship. Some people should just be single.
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