When I think about my past I see several things I wish I could change and take back. I am never so proud to say that I would never change a thing because I think with what I know now I could have done better.
Aspie to me is not an excuse it simply means that I unfortunately have to always learn the hard way.
But could the Birth of Melinda be avoided?
When I met Mindy she was special. She was sweet and a gift to the world. She was an optimist, sunshine poured from her smile, and darkness fled from her laughter.
But like a callous ... the skin that meets the most resistance is the skin to get ugly hard and cold.
I do not try to use people. I do not try to manipulate people; however in an effort to learn a lesson I have been known from time to time to set up a situation as a trial to test out hypothesis and see if predicted consequences will become true.
I never set out to harm Mindy. I never set out to abuse her. But I think when you take a girl who is so situated in the mix of people beliefs and feelings and you place her near me .. I get curious. And as I invest in this curiosity I think I test and I trial and I too often cross examine.
There are few fish in the world that are like the African Cichlids. These fish although beautiful and agile tend to work best together. They like austere environments and often tear up vegetation planted near them. they dig out a space to there own and live in it and protect it. They are very territorial and there entire life is spent disputing with the others of its species. They do not really attempt to harm or kill each other during territorial battles but its like a boxing gym. there is a hierarchy of the alpha male and they are always sparing and competing to keep that order. And with time the younger will replace the old .. and the stronger will replace the sick.
I think the way that I live and the cynical way that I question things hurt Mindy. I think my outlook and realism shattered her fairy tale and brought her to a cold cold world. She always claimed that the Army was never gonna break her or destroy her rosey outlook on life. And the Army never did ... I blame myself for that mistake.
It is hard for a neuro typical to exist daily paired up with someone who criticizes and critiques and argues every single point. I dont argue to argue and she always claimed. I argue to learn. But in my learning I took her and tarnished her gleam.
My obsessions are what hurt her the most. And as she liked to say "I knew what she was when I picked her up." ... but she was so young and naive and I was un diagnosed and no one could prepare her for what I had in store.
For someone who cares what others think its hard to be married to a social retard. For someone who is a social butterfly it is hard to be married to someone who like to be a hermit. For someone who needs compliments daily and positive reaffirmation ... Logic is not your truest friend.
From the get go .. I explained to her that I am available Fri night after 8 all day Sat and Sun after 2. What she did not realize was it was not because I had a hobby. I had an obsession. I have trained in the Martial arts since 1989. And even before that I had always asked to train. And even now as I haven't trained for the last two months .. I am still plague with the obsession and read and watch videos on that subject for at least 2 hours a night.
When I was young .. there was no internet. There was only Encyclopedia Britannica. And along with Tracey Stevens (male) those two would remain my best friends for most of my fundamental years.
When I found out about the internet. I was amazed. It was better than the best rum; it was smoother than the finest silk sheets. If was water. Glorious Glorious water.
Do you know why Autistics like to swim? not a joke but for real? Its because when you have hyper sensitive senses that when you are placed into a liquid substrate it numbs the senses down and calms the nerves. You hear so much less underwater. You dont feel any of the sharp edges of your Levis jeans or the t shirt tag. No one has bad breath under water!! It is the perfect place that allows you to calm and the voices in your head to slow down. The renumerations tend to slow and you tend to think more neuro typical.
While I am not a true autistic ... the internet is like water. All the social inadequacies I feel in real life; all the inadequate understanding of social queues; and all the abstract responses to simple questions are all masked online. The anonymity deadens the senses.
For a woman who communicates obsessively by mouth to be paired with a man who prefers a keyboard has got to eat away at your heart.
It took me ten years with Melinda to learn that when I did not give her undivided attention she assumed it was because she was not my priority.
I still dont know why people think this but everyone I have talked with tell me of course .. that how everyone feels. I have no idea why; and I find that people do not value multi tasking in romantic relationship. I am not talking about dating multiples but .. my current girlfriend detests if I read or text while we are talking how her day went.
I guess I should thank Melinda for letting me learn from her emotions for the last 10 years. And although she did not enjoy our marriage I will always think of it as one of the greatest times in my life. Because when was searching on the internet I loved her. As I trained Brazilian Jiujitsu I loved her. When I fall asleep as she talked with me I loved her.
But she felt differently. She was never convinced how I felt towards her till the divorce. Because when I was on the internet I was showing her I valued other people opinions more. When I was training BJJ I valued my hobbies over our relationship. Because when I fell asleep I was bored with her and didnt care about her needs.
So is it all the Aspie? is this a common misconception between men and women?
I think maybe many people experience some of these issues to maybe a minor degree; unfortunately I learn everything the hard way.
All I can do know is move on with my life and be thankful for what I have learned.
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