pain

I just had a meeting with a therapist.  I thought it was suppose to be a good meeting where I was going to be recommended to remove my anklet because of passing my polygraph.  However they focused on a few things.  In the past four months I looked at Porn a few times, about a month ago my GF gave me a taste of her margarita, and I continue to use the internet.

How the fuck can they outlaw someone from using the fucking internet? really?

I fear that absolutely understands me and that I am fucking nuts.  I simply want to live my little going no where life and pay my child support and be left the fuck alone.  How keeping me from the internet is suppose to help me?  I haven't a fucking clue.

I have no friends; apart from the internet.  I go no where.  After work every night I stay at home and watch TV on the internet or read.  Most my video games are internet related.

They tell me I need to give up all controlling behaviors .. but wanting to have the rights to privacy, and to live my life as  I see fit is not controlling.

I would hope a therapist would try to deliver you from depression not throw you deeper into it.

afraid to post.

I have done several homework assignments.  I did not post them.  I wonder if this is me getting smarter or just me getting lazier.

I look back on my life and I see so many different fragments its hard to believe that they are all tied together.

And one point as a child I believed I was not of the world and would be found by my alien parents and brought back home to my 'original" wold.

At one point as a teen I really thought I could not be hurt and would live forever.

As a man when faced with a tumour I thought my death was imminent.

And then last last year on my B day I welcomed death.  I begged for it.  And when I woke up the next day to find myself still alive I was filled with disappointment.

A year later .. I have no idea how I feel.  My X brother in law is dying of cancer.  I wish to God I could give up my life in order to save his.  He has purpose.  He has family.  And why the Lord kills a man of faith and spares a sinner like me is not easily understood.

Everyday I cant wait to go to work ... because I hate being alone.  But when I am at work I can't stand being there and want to run home.

A friend at work had his son die on DEC 24th about 6 years ago.  He is a funny jolly type and when he thinks of his son or mentions him you can see his face turn dismal still to this day.

I miss my children so very much.  I feel if I tell anyone my true feeling that I will never be allowed to see my children again.  It is ok to be sad.  But the court say as long as I am sad I can not see my kids.

So like my friend at work I lie to everyone I meet and pretend to be happy.  I pretend to not miss my kids.  I pretend to be well.  Such hypocrisy.  

When I grew up I hated Hypocrisy.  I left the Catholic Church because of it.  Now I have become what I most dislike.

I hope my children are doing well.