does she really get it?

SO I have a new friend.  Well she is old .. but some how so fast the relationship has changed direction and we have been swept of our feet and things are moving at a thousand miles per hour.

It is good and my mind has been granted a pause of thinking about the negative things that impact me.



So anyway last night she said "You have kind hands." ... something simple and nice to which I replied;



"Thank You that was a nice comment to say." ..

and what she replied shocked me.

"Oh no .. I I meant it as an observation not as a compliment. But if you see it as a compliment take it as such.  I was just making a comment on something that I see as a truth; and it just so happens to please you."



Well I don't what most peoples reaction is.  But for me I have said this before.  I told my Ex about her comeliness and she loved it.  She thought I was trying to be nice.  No ..  I was simply making an observation on something I deemed to be true.

It does not mean you don't wish them to feel good.  It does not mean that you would not care to compliment them.  It is just simply sometimes certain fact exist and they make people feel good.

I said almost the exact same words in a previous relationship and that female flipped out calling me insensitive.  But now .. a female is using those words with me ..and it sticks in my head ... Does she really get it?

I think she does.

Dreams 9/8/13

Im still not awake I am typing this out before I dont forget.  It is prob best I do forget.

I was asleep. I was at my moms.  She said the kids were running late so I turned on some netflix.  Mindy came by with the kids and we talked a bit.

And it was great to see her .. and we talked.  Kind of like normal people do. The kids were kind of older.  Yet things seemed like they used to be.

I think we may have still been together.  And argument ensued.. don't even know what about .. and like my usual .. I just excused myself out of the room and ran away rather than facing it.

and there were kittens. I dont know why .. I dont know what they represent.. but I love kittens.  They helped me get less angry so I could talk with her.  And after I cooled off I proceeded back to the main part of the house.  And I was watching the kids watch TV.  And they were amazing.

And it occurred to me.  That this is the first time I have seen them and that I still had a restraining order.  I had to get out of the house without pissing anyone off because I did not want jail .. I did not want Mindy mad .. and I wanted to see my kids so very very much.

I dont know what it means.  I know that I talked with the court lady yesterday about Melinda and my kids.  She told me how to get visitation even if my ex does not want me to see my kids.

I told her her my stance.

The people at Olympia Psychotherapy have told me that Mindy is deathly afraid of me.  That she has had to change all the locks in the house.  Change the garage door opener.  By a dog, and sleeps with mace spray.

I never meant her to live in so much fear.  I never wanted to hurt her.  I never wanted to scare her.  I did not foresee the reaction should would have being splashed by water.

All I wanted was for her to stop saying that her mother no longer likes me .. and that her father never did.

The mother of children is a special person.  She is a great mother and has the authority to tell me when to see and when not to see my kids. And despite the lady on the phone telling me what I need to do .. I cant help feeling that if I force the issue and see my kids when Mindy is still afraid for her life .. it will undoubtedly be bad for the kids.

I told the lady the Mindy is smart enough.  When she wants me to be a part of my children's lives she will ask the court to reverse its decisions.

I can not see my kids because Mindy asked the court to stop me.  I will wait till she is ready.  Even as much as it hurts.

It was sooo good seeing the kids in that dream.  And even now with tears running down my face I know in 30 mins I will not be able to remember it.  I forgot what the kids smell like.  When I go in their bedroom .. it does not smell like them . just new paint.  I forgot how they act and their mannerisms.

I am torn for my love of my old life.  Where I would be able to comfort my wife as she deals with her brother dying, and my new role as an outsider of my own family.  As a leper that people from the gym and from the church try their hardest to avoid.

I do not know what Mindy has told all these peoples ... but the looks I get; I would hate to hear what she has said.  I fear for what she has told my kids; or rather what Jake has over heard or eavesdropped which is his modus operandi.

So what do I do? 

well for starters .. I am done with that damn benedryl.