Googleplex

I know its late.  But I am up.  Thinking.  This is what I do.  I think about my children.  I wonder how they are.

When I left I took very little with me.  As time fades so do my memories.

But I do have a few videos that remind me of what life used to be like when I was happy.  When I had a family.  When I belonged to something and life actually meant something.

His Older brother taught him the definition of "Google"  These are some of the last memories I have of my kids.  I replay them often as I sit at home alone at night feeling numb.

Its a cruel cruel person who takes a mans kids away from him.

Don't Judge a woman ... until

I find that I am not good at understanding emotion. In my past I have found out that things that seem evident to others escape me.  I recall conversation past between me and  my X where she would say "... I want you to want to .." and for a very long time I was not sure by what she meant at that time.

Today some ladies at work were trying to explain something to me.  I don;t know why I have never learned this; yet ... It would have been a good lesson to know 15 years ago.

sometimes when I have wronged someone in the past when I would apologize I would say "I am sorry I made you angry" .. or sad or what ever it may have been.

Today they explained to me that that specific wording can often times be seen as condescending.  I am told all to often that my tone is condescending.  I think maybe having understood this earlier could have helped.

Now don't get me wrong.  This was not an easy lesson.  I had to have 2 women go over with me again and again until I understood what they meant.

Evidently .. and correct me if I am wrong, when you apologize it should be for the specific act that you did wrong.  Not for the emotion that person felt.  I get in a car accident I don't say I am sorry you are pissed that your car is damaged .. I say I am sorry that I hit your car.

Not sure why this was so hard to grasp .. but now I get it.

I told them .. you should never judge a woman until you have walked a mile in her ovaries.  Evidently they thought that could be scene as condescending too.

I guess baby steps.  one after another.  I hope one day I can learn more about what makes people tick and why they do the things they do.

Domestic Violnece Versus Anger Management.

So I have been assigned Domestic Violence classes by the court.  I am not sure if they are what I need.  But I do them.

Maybe the court should have ordered anger management classes.  I do get angry.  I could use help on those issues.

My previous marriage had all sorts of Domestic Violence.  Not the type you see in movies but the more quiet type.  The fighting back and for between two people who should not be together.  Simple things like not folding laundry; by being late; by not holding up your end of the deal are all "domestic violence: I am taught.

But I am more angry than violent.

The other night in the domestic violence shared group one of the people told their story.  We all have to tell our story.  Some are serious.  Mine is not.

But his; .. his pissed me off so bad it has taken me days to calm down.

This gentleman told a story on how he had an argument with his ex .. because she was sleeping with his drug dealer for drugs and when he went to the drug dealers house he caught her with them.

OK .. I get that.  that is a bad place.  I don't do drugs but I can imagine they bring you to bad places in this world.  But this week he tells us more.

Evidently while he was with his 24 month old son (who was not in a car seat by the way) he decided to go to his drug dealers apt.  While inside the apt for over 90 mins .... yes 90 mins .... he left the baby in the damn car alone. ... 

So after he got high (after the argument I guess) he went back out to check on the baby ... and low and behold ... baby of 24 months has no got into his meth and ingested some.

He has to call his ex wife on what to do .. and she advises him to go to the emergency room to save the boys life.  Good news is baby is ok.  Baby is in foster care.

But how does this affect me.  For the life of me I have no idea why I sit across fro mthis guy angry at him.  there are so many people in this world who want children.  There are so many people in this world who want to be fathers to there kids and are not allowed to see them.

And this guy ... leave alone a child with his meth in the back of a car for 90 mins ?  I just cant bend my brain around this.  I cant get it out of my mind.

How is it that there are people like this in the world.   I was brought up to believe that the world was good.  That people were honest.  And dreams can come true.

Over the past year I have learned what the world is really like.  What people are really like. And that dreams can be ripped from you easier than you think.

Maybe I need this class.  I just wish there was a way to help this kid.