DV Homework - taking a turn

Part of my DV training is to try to learn about what mistakes I have made in the past and how to fix them.  This is one of my homework assignments where I wrote about one of the largest controlling incidents I ever used against my ex wife.  I think the many problems led to this and that I could have acted in a much better way.  I think that the result of this was the failed marriage although we tried to hold onto it for 5 years.  I am very regretful of these actions.  I truly loved my ex wife and the actions which I demonstrate in the following show just the opposite.  I hope that as I grow and learn that my next relationship will not end in the same way and that I will have learned to be better able to respect my partner.

Taking a Turn

One of the worst controlling moments in past relationship with Mindy was when I found out she had cheated on me while we were married. 

In her defense, the relationship was not very energetic.  I was working off shifts.  She was home a lot.  She had been jumping from job to job a lot and life had settled into a slump.  I was putting in too much time at BJJ and was playing way toooo much video games.  If I had been paying more attention to my wife and to my marriage I think she would not have been cheating.

She was never the promiscuous type I had thought at the time.  When we first met she had claimed to be a Virgin.  At this time I did not know about her cheating on me while we were dating.  The only indiscretion I knew of was when she was in Texas for Army training and got to drunk and had sex with a Soldier.  I never thought much of it because she was not likely to see him again.

While on this off shift I would go to work and Mindy would go out.  She would find a sitter and she would go to a lot of clubs.  She tended to be more wild than me and actually won a wet t shirt contest once.  She had some friends that were not good for her.   

This is how she met Nate.  He was a ranger.  I am not sure Mindy knew it at the time, because she claimed that he was Special Forces.  She had met him at a bar and went back to his barracks to have sex.  I do not know much about the situation or much about their relationship.  I know they had been dating for a bit.  He had told his mother of Mindy.  Mindy had received a letter or an email from her.  He even took Mindy out for her B Day.  This always held poorly in my brain because she then gave one of the gifts to me because she had no need for them.

The way I found out they were dating is one of the most controlling times in our relationship together.  I felt that here friends/ cousins were real bad influences on her.  She was drinking too much and she was out all the time.  I did not want to be the controlling husband so I never said anything against it.  Instead what I would do would be to check her emails and her texts. 

During the bad times she started getting suspicious.  I knew she was deleting stuff of her phone and she started guarding it like it was gold.  One night she fell asleep early from too much wine and went to bed.  She left her phone (at that time there was no pas code) I stated reading thru it.  I found out about the relationship.  I was not sure what to do so I lived with it for about a week before I would confront her on it.  I figured this was part of marriage. This was the part of dating someone so different than myself.  I figured I could never get anyone better.

That week (after my B Day) she told me she was pregnant.  That night when she was asleep I took her phone to the living room and started reading it.  Nate recently texted.  I texted him back acting as her.  He asked what was wrong and how I had been.  I simply texted that things are not well and that I was pregnant.  At the point I turned off the phone.

I was very livid.  I probably paced for about 45 mins before Mindy woke up.  She came into the living room and asked whats up and I simply said oh nothing I could not sleep.  Then just as passive aggressive as ever I went to bed and went straight to sleep.  She checked on the kids, got a drink of water and came to bed.  About 1 hour later she woke me up asking where her phone was.  I pretended to be stupid and said “.. I don’t know did you leave it on the couch?”

She turned on the phone and found like 24 texts all from Nate freaking out about the baby.

I handled this situation poorly.  I could have handled it better in several ways.  One I should have been more focused on my marriage in the first place.  Two if she was doing things at bars with other guys that bothered me I should have voiced an opinion about it.  My silence was a green light.  Thirdly.  If I felt the need to check a cell phone or an email we should have had a talk about it.  By me playing passive aggressive it made the relationship a lot worse.  I should not have involved Nate and told him about his child.  That was between him and Mindy.

In the end now that I look at this event.  I think it is the one thing that devalued my marriage to me.  I don’t think I ever recovered.  I tried to pretend it didn’t happen.  I tried to fall back in love again.  But all I felt like was that I was not good enough to be loved and that I would always be a second place in her life and someone she would consider and a “settle.”  She should have not had to settle for me.

And I should have left the relationship then.  That was the date of the death of it.  I should have had respect for myself and my Son.  I knew the type of person she was and that it may not ever change.

In the future I need to respect my partner more.  I need to love her and be with her, but I should never feel that I have the right or that I should secretly check their cell phone.  Regardless of whom may pay for the device.

I failed myself on that night.  I failed my eldest son as well.  But I failed my wife the year previously.  I do not feel that any of this would happened if I was a better spouse.